Eventful Friday

I posted some really nasty thoughts about my professor last Friday. I don't regret it, even if she did give our group 89 for our project and she wasn't bitchy when we were having a hard time operating the equipment we needed. I guess nakaganti na din ako in a way because she was reprimanded for using the computer laboratory all day, and was already running late for the baccalaureatte mass for the graduating seniors. I guess its not her fault she's so detailed, but it still her fault for ruining our plans for the day.

Oh well, I'm just glad I won't be seeing her till June. Hopefully she's not our professor anymore. I would like to think that Friday was the last day I'd see anymore of Vindollo.

*****

Friday became a very tiring, dramatic, eventful day. After I blogged about V, Sir Espiritu arrived with food for the special lunch we had in EJ. There were clubhouse sandwhiches, pancit bihon and putanesca, plus four bottles of different soft drinks. I regretted eating KFC Chicken Steak for lunch so suddenly, but I still had room left so I decided to stuff myself. Much later I was also stuffing myself with Aristrocat food. Bawi na lang sa excercise.

Then I recieved a text message from Genay, just in time as I was contemplating on how to throw the putanesca away. I DO NOT LIKE THE TASTE OF BLACK OLIVES. Anyway, Genay said it was an emergency so I thought baka tungkol sa project namin. With a full-stomach I run from the third floor of our college building to the second floor. I soon found out it wasn't that kind of emergency, but it was an emergency in a way.

This is what happened:

Tinanong ni Genay sa akin sino ba yung nagsabi na gumawa kami ng attendance para fair sa lahat. Si Leah iyon. Apparently, someone texted Reevan and his group that it was Rochelle who suggested that, which may sound as if we were afraid Reevan and his group would cheat the others off by going inside the lab even if it wasn't their turn yet. Late na kasi sila dumating, kasi tinatapos pa lang nila yung project nila. Now Reevan retaliated by deliberately not wishing Rochelle a good luck for their project when it was their turn. Rochelle got hurt and tampo so in true Rochelle fashion, asked Reevan why. Ayun na nga sinabi na nga nila na may nag-text and ang sabi si Chelle nga daw ang nagsabi. Rochelle was hurt, and she still is.

As for me, I don't know. I guess I'm not so affected, although I am also hurt in a way, for Chelle. It's bad enough that people like our insecure president doesn't like her and most of the class has yet to fully forgive her for what she did during the campaign period, now Reevan, her supposed friend, is also part of th0m.

I don't feel that sad kasi I know I have Mimi, Aileen and Gef, even if they're in a different section.

Hay, nakakapagod ito.

******

Message for HIM:

It's kind of weird to know that you still talk about me. I still wonder, sometimes, if you really cared for me as much as I cared for you. I guess not. I don't want to hope anymore. I've long given up on us becoming a couple, because its easier to think that you don't care, than you do. Because if you do, then a new set of questions would arise and I'd only be left feeling stupid and hurt for ever making myself believe na pwede nga, na all the times I cried because of you and for you were all worth it...

So, I don't want to think about it anymore. For the longest time my world revolved around you. I wasn't happy. Now I am. I told you before, in Friendster, that I'd always care for you, no matter how long.

But I won't wait. Not anymore.

******

Addict on Neopets!!! Summer na!!! (UN: pink_bej)

Boj HS Graduation starts 5 PM. Hopefully he'd pass in UST. Cross-fingers.

Quick Rant

I hate it when my schedule gets disrupted by people who are too inconsiderate of other people's needs and wants! And right now, I am directing pure hatred on my EdTech professor, who isn't even a professor yet at all. Vindollo had really gone too far this time. If this is her way of punishing us (me) for being absent on the day she gave the torture-like portfolio project in her detested Field Study 3 course, then my opinion of her being the ultimate biatch educator has become something true and real!

I hate her.

What's worst is I can't do anything about it. It's not fair. Genay was here really early, and so was I. I had to sacrifice crucial minutes in bed because I was afraid she'd fail us (me) if we're late. We (I) didn't think she'd require us to explain our projects and all that. Now kami pa mahuhuli kahit na nauna pa kami kila ****!!! It's so UNFAIR!!!

****

I'm really looking forward for later, when I'm surrounded by Mimi, Aileen and my other friends, and no Vindollo is there to ruin the fun of being young, just because her life's a big, ugly drama. I'm really being cruel but I bet God didn't think she was equipped to be a good mother that's why she miscarried. Bad karma and all.

****

It's nice to be able to rant... thank God for the internet connection in EJ! LOL We're having special lunch here later. Too bad I've already eaten KFC Chicken Steak with Chelle and Via. I'm thinking of becoming a more active SC staffer next year.. we'll see.

The Older Sister

My brother and I aren't superclose, but we get along most of the time. Today I accompanied him to his interview for the UST CRS, after a long and dramatic encounter with mom last night.

Here's the thing: I resent my brother for being so overly taken care of by our beloved mother that now it's hard for me, and for mom, to make him follow the rules. He's not a bad boy per se; he's just frustratingly lazy. He never once washed the dishes he used without my having to bribe him. And even if he does wash the dishes, he'd only wash his own. Same goes with his clothes, his things, et cetera. And my being such an individualist hinders our technically "bonding sessions" ie house cleaning. I prefer to work on my own because he wouldn't follow my system and ruin everything.

So you can imagine, that for the most part, am not a really good ate.

Be that as it may, I am trying, but it's difficult because my mom already has this idea that I am resenting my brother at all times. Which is of course, so untrue. I resent the fact that my brother has to have help every step of the way, so when mom asked me last night --- indirectly, mind you --- to go with my brother on his interview today, I --- also indirectly --- said that he could do it on his own.

I guess it was the stress or the fact that it was late and mom was tired, but she got all "If it was a friend who needed help, you wouldn't think twice" speech. (Note: I don't get it when people who are already tired get so agitated and get mad. Isn't it more tiring to get mad? Sheesh!) In the end she told me I could decide for myself, with all the drama ek-ek she just had to add. (I'm not comfortable of writing each line in this blog.)

You might be thinking that my mom's little drama stunt affected me, which is why I was with my brother. Actually it wasn't that. I did want to go with him, I just didn't want him to fully depend on me. My final Finals today starts at 10 AM and that meant I could've slept in. So I texted him last night (I was locking myself in my room) and told him if he still want me to go with him, he will be the one to wake me up. And the rest is history.

I realized something funny last night. I'm EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD! I'm of legal age and I can decide on my own. Mom said, in part of her drama moment, that I could decide for myself. My friend Mimi is asking me to tutor English to two Chinese students of her mom. I'd earn money but I would've to stay over at Mimi's house, since the students wouldn't be available till 5PM. I was going to ask for mom's permission, but not to stay over at Mimi's. Even if she's my friend I wouldn't be able to live with her. I was planning on proposing to mom if I can stay over at Yacal for the weekdays, so I wouldn't be so tired anymore and I could teach and earn money. The thing left to do now is talk to my Aunts. Hopefully they let me stay over next semester. But that's for later. I still have some questions for Mimi, which I would be able to ask tomorrow, after their final exams.

Hay. Second year is almost over. I didn't even study for the exam today. Too tired, too lazy. I bet later on I'd regret it, but what the heck.

*****

I wasn't able to meet up with Javi's Korean friend who he said looked a lot like Joo Ji-hoon. Maybe later. Hahaha.

Itchy for Change

Am not totally sure if its because of the upcoming summer vacation, or because I am now 18 and my summer is bound to be more exciting now compared to my previous summers as a minor, or because I'm just totally psyched on having the summer I want no matter what but, for some reason, I am itching for change. I'm talking about major Beryl makeover, something that would make me feel more powerful, more organized, more Me.

Then again, maybe I'm just really bored with my life.

But whatever it is, I've decided to make my blog a priority this summer, even if I won't be online at all times since we don't have ready Internet connection at home, or a working PC, or a telephone line... Basically, all I'm saying is that I'd try my best to squeeze in quality blogging time during my vacation, while I'm looking for a job, saving up, watching TV (Hah! We've got Hable now! At least I can still be "in" with the movies, even if I won't be able to watch a lot of the new ones in the cinema. Austerity measures, people!), thinking of doing house chores, actually doing house chores and dozing off whenever I want to.

Now I don't know about you, but at this point of my life, those activities are pure heaven. I'm actually grinning from ear to ear as I write this, a true reflection of how appealing it would be for me to actually do nothing.

But since I still have one final examination tomorrow, and its a big one, I would have to live with the fact that I've got to study. A lot.

...

Then again, there's always later. I'm waiting for my friend Javi to text me where we'll meet up on the way home. He's going to introduce me to his Korean friend who he swears is a look-alike of my newest crush Joo Ji-hoon, Prince Gian of the Koreanoval being shown in ABS-CBN, Princess Hours (from which I am currently obssessed on). Since my mom has been bugging me all month, telling me to get myself a boyfriend (as if that's so easy!), I figured I could give it a shot. I'm just meeting up with a friend of a friend if you think about it. But you never know for sure right?

My mom's also making me text this 23-year-old Malaysian guy she met through an office mate, and it's kinda funny to see my mom pimping me to guys. I guess she was affected when I told about my, well, insecurity, for being boyfriendless all my life. Oh sure she told me I was still young, but she was affected. I could see that.

I wonder if my being single all my life is also a factor for this sudden need for major change.... Hmm...

*****

I chanced by a Shannon Elizabeth movie on HBO last night, entitled "Confessions of an American Bride". It is a chick flick but I was feeling it last night. The story revolved around Sam (played by Shannon Elizabeth), a 20-ish soon-to-be wife of her handsome prince charming named Ben (played by Eddie McClintock). Everything was OK with them; they were in love and wanted to be togethere. Then disaster struck when Sam's old college crush Luke (played by Geoff Stults, who I have to say, is HOT!) who apparently also crushed on Sam. It is a classic story of a girl choosing the One she has or the One she always wanted. I particularly liked the story because it was real, it was comedic and it was honest. If I was Sam, I would also be confused. "What if in the future, the guy I've always cared for, but couldn't care less if I lived or died, confesses his love for me, even when I'm already taken?" Unfortunately, that's not the applicable question at the moment. No, the more applicable question is "When would I ever be able to tell people that I am taken?" (I think it'd sound more pessimistic if the question was "If I'd ever be taken..." and I'm not in the mood to welcome dark thoughts.)

Oh, I also watched Brittany Murphy's The Little Black Book last week. A chick flick with a twist. I don't particularly like Britanny, but the movie was cool. Highly recommended for girls who have broken up with their boyfriend because of his ex.

*****

Well, am off to type our ESP Finals. And to play with the lay-out. And to link other people/ new friends from TeenTalk.

Man, am craving for Cerealicious! Can't wait for Friday! Freedom!!!

Twenty One Minutes

I've got 21 minutes left of my 2 hours renting PC. I'm so proud of myself. I've done all my tasks, well except for the draft for Principles 2 HW (due tomorrow) and finishing the ESP finals (I'm already 75% done), but that's only because I am tired. So to relieve myself I am posting eye candy pictures of the hunky Joo Ji-Hoon of Princess Hours. YUMMY!!

Tonight's episode of Princess Hours will be the Interview part. I've already seen it in my DVD copy but its easier to understand when its in Tagalog. Hahaha!

FiNals Update: 2 Down, 2 More to go!!! And then ... VACATION!!!!

Colds, Finals and Hyprocrites

Warp Back to 15 year old me:

People make me really inferior. It's like no matter how much I would want to please them, I just can't do it. It's like I'm such a big loser. Maybe I am. Even if I don't do anything to them, keeping to myself and remaining in the sidelines, galit pa din sila. I don't know what to do. I try to be please them, but it's so tiring. Sometimes I ask myself why do I even try, when it already seems as if they've made up their minds about me even if they hardly knew me. It's hard to believe that it'll be their lost, when I am here sitting all alone and lonely, while they all hang-out and have friends...

Now to the 18 year old me:

I've long ago given up trying to please people. I've learned that no matter what I do, it won't work. I'd just end up miserable and intimidated. What's aggravating with the situation is the fact that I know I'm feeling this way because I let me feel this way. An**** and the others didn't order me to feel inferior, or casted out. Maybe I am letting how they define me be how I define myself, so I decided that, when I started college, I'd be the one defining who I am. And I had done just that.

Now here I am feeling as if I'm back in high school again. Only this time, I'm part of the crowd that is making others feel inferior. What irony! The atmosphere inside the classroom is terrible. I feel so overpowered by this childish people who feel as if its my fault they feel what they feel towards me. If I make them intimidated, its not because I'm so assertive and confident of myself. It's because they are letting their selves react in such a matter. And even if you may consider my being assertive as a factor, you would still have to agree that I have no control on how they would feel towards me, the same way I had no power over the people who disliked me back in high school.

It's frustrating really, to be surrounded by hypocrites, a week before Finals and nursing very bad colds. The silver lining in all of this is the fact that I have some cash on me. "Some" being the operative word of the day.

Sigh.

I guess people are really too complex to understand. It's a shame, I really wanted to avoid these kinds of divisions. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and let them make all the noise. It's already tiring to study for the upcoming exams and frankly, I've got no time for immature college classmates.

******

I'd be spending the 23rd with Mimi, Aileen and anyone who would want to tag along with us. My co-majors planned to have an outing on the same date, place still a big question. At first I was debating on whether I should go with them and save my relationships in class but after finding out that Mimi would be going to Taiwan the next day, I decided that I'd rather be with my friends. Because of them I'm keeping my sanity, thank God, and I don't want to lose them of all people. Masyadong madrama ang mga English majors! Di na nakakatawa...

24 Hours = Not Enough

I
It's weird. I see my mom and my brother everyday and yet I have this nagging feeling of homesickness. It's not surprise I guess, since whenever I am home, I'm doing tons of things that are very important, but they tend to disregard the feeling of home... It's like my body's inside my house, but my mind still wandering off to the things I have to get done for school.

I guess I just love school too much. And too much can sometimes can be a bad thing, right?

The thing is, I've been feeling really overworked and sleepless these past few days. It's as if the 24 hours I get to be alive for a day just isn't enough for me to sleep, eat, work and recreate.

I know I should be thankful for being alive, but I can't help but imagine how heavenly it would be if I could just curl up on my bed, with a good book and some snacks (that aren't necessarily healthy.. I've long since given up on caring on my figure. And I found out, the less I criticize myself about it, the better I look. Hah.), with no care in the world.

Sadly, I can't just do that, for the in following days I'd be working my ass off to finish my sophomore year with a big, blasting bang. I have to finish the requirements, review for the finals, pass the finals, and say goodbye to my being a mere second year. Next year, we'd be having our thesis and I just can't wait. (Not!)

You know what could make my year end better? If for once in my life, someone who'd care to get to know me --- the real me --- comes and sweeps me off my feet with his dashing good looks, sincerity and honesty.... Ooooh... Umaatake nanaman ang girl sa loob ko na masama pa din ang loob at wala akong boyfriend. She often comes alive whenever I'm really stressed, or tired, or envious. And right now am all three.

1:30PM na. I was supposed to meet with Genay and Barbs today, but Genay told me we'd be hanging out with Ruth, and I just don't want to see her now. At least not with Genay. If I see her now, I might just regret what I say to her, so no thanks. I'd rather hide in the comforts of the Internet that tell Ruth off. I've already scheduled it on Monday, and I hate having my schedule suddenly altered by other people.

Then again, I better go. Baka di na sapat ang baon ko for this. Naka one and a half hour na din ako ah.

Well, later.

******

Cheerleader Nation is on later at Studio 23, 6:30 PM. Looove it!
******
Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend (What could she be feeling now whenever she's being called behind the name of the Prince, like she has no identity of her own? That's a toughie, isn't it?), ruined all my fantasies on Will. Oh well. She is pretty, in a way. Can you imagine what she could be feeling at this moment? Rumors had been spreading all over UK about her and the Prince's getting married in the near future. God forbid! (Joke!) I still haven't made my mind about her. It's hard to let go of Prince William, him being the center of most of my fantasies. At first I though Kate looked older than 25, and much older than Prince William, whose only 24. I guess she's just mature for her age. Could she be willing to sacrifice her "freedom" and privacy for Will? We'll see. Until then, I'd still play my Marrying-Prince Will- and- Uniting- Europe and Asia fantasy whenever I can. And if they get married, there's always Harry. Hehehe.

Bad Girl

I guess its true, that when you do one bad thing, it would eventually become a hundred of bad things and you don't know how you had let it happen. I've never been a passive person --- its not in my genes --- but this week has proven how easy it is to become accustomed in doing really bad things, like lying.

First let's define lying. Lying is any form of hiding the truth or altering the truth. Sad to say, this is just what I did.

It all started last Friday, when I went to my Tita's house in Yacal to finish Ken's and Javi's projects in Lit. I've been known as the secret project maker all through highschool, and even if I didn't intend to continue such a "career" in college (so as to avoid being a hypocritical educator who won't allow cheating yet cheats others as well) but then again, desperate times call for desperate measure, right? So anyway, I was doing just that just so I can get it out of the way for good. I haven't done MY own project, which sucks since the deadline's fast approaching and I hate to cram.

I was fine with pressuring myself and all. I knew I'd be paid appropriately in the end, so it all seemed worth it. Then my tita approached me and told me about the money her twin brother, who is a teacher in New York, had sent for me and my younger brother. Now a thousand pesos may seem really pathetic to some people, but that's like a million to me, what with a hundred pesos I get a day, which is only enough for fare back and forth from Marikina to UST, and baon. So I had a thousand pesos on me, and finals was fast approaching.

The good thing about Finals Week is that I know after all the pain and hardships and caffeneited nights, I'd be enjoying the last day of Hell Week with my friends (who happen to be in another major, which is why I miss them very much.) The bad thing about it is that I'm always worried that mom won't be able to pay my tuition fee and therefore I won't be allowed to take the finals. That won't just be utter embarrasment --- it'd disregard all the other hardships I had to survive just so I can become a teacher.

And because of this fear, I decided to hide the money for awhile. Hide as in not use it OR tell mom about it, as my tita had so blatantly reminded me. She thinks mom spends too much...

Now, ask me how much is left of it. Php 400. I had used Php 600 in a week. See how thrifty I am? And I've used up all that money even if my mom, who remains oblivious of its existence to this day (and for the rest of her life, hopefully), was still giving me my baon every night and I continue to take it even if I knew she was really short of cash.

It's like I've become a nonstop sucking snake and it makes me cringe to see how greedy I've become.

As if that isn't bad enough, I've lied one too many times this week. Here's a list:

1. I lied about having to go home early and not going to the PE Practice for the Finals in Social Dance three times. I made up different alibis, except on Wednesday, when I truly planned to go but my brother had to be taken to the doctor.
2. I lied about being on the way home at 5PM yesterday. I was so excited to watch the Princess Hours DVD I got from Ken as his payment that I lost track of time. Mom was worried I haven't texted her, but because I didn't tell her about Ken asking me to make his project, I couldn't very well tell her the truth.
3. I lied about finishing my Lit project. I told Chelle and Via that it'd be really long and it is, but I haven't started typing it. I told mom I'm done with it so she won't think that I used my free time staying at Yacal for nothing, even if that's the truth.
4. I lied to Genay just now, about not being able to get her journal from our professor because I'm in the lib already, even if I was still on my way to the lib and could very well detour by the faculty room and ask. I could've given it to Chelle and she could give it to Gen.

With all these lies its not much of a surprise why I had a really big headache last night. And mom choose last night to rant about my not helping around the house, of all nights, so I'm not in a particular good mood today.

******

RANTING SESSION

I'm not really confrontational, mind you. But if I have a point and I know I'm right, I wouldn't just let you step on me. It's stupid of you, just because your the CLASS PRESIDENT to speak to us "smart people" and make us seem as if being "smart" is a negative thing. We don't control the passive people in the class, the same you can't control us from saying our insights. Leaders should know how to listen, since we've listened to you when you were speaking.

What I hate about it all is that you just had to make a scene! You just had to go to the lowest form of confronting a person: NAGPARINIG KA! It's so elementary!!!

I was actually waiting for you to cry, then I'd be able to prove to you that you're really being immature about things. Then I'd know I won. I had laid my points and if you don't agree, so be it.

It really annoys me that you said sorry and then went out to tell other people about it. It's so fake! What saddens me is that I actually agreed to your point. But because you were feeling inferior of us "smart people", you couldn't face me and tell me the things you wanted to tell, so you made that pathetic scene.

Remember: NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. So I guess I should thank you, you've given me your consent to intimidate you...

******

I promise I'd be a good girl after this.

TeenTalking

I'm getting hooked on TeenTalking again. I've been a member for more than three years now. I deleted my first UN so I can have "lyrebelle". (It was the time that I didn't like my real name, or age, or self ... you get the point). It's kind of dangerous for me to look forward to Ttalking constantly, since summer's three weeks away (making Finals A.K.A. Hell Week, two weeks away). But I digress. If my other classmates find comfort and happiness (in a college-aged kid's perspective) in computer games, I find mine in forums and of course, blogging.

*****

One of the things I dislike is when people put me in a position wherein my schedule --- my very carefully plan schedule (that utterly reflects my OC-ness) --- gets distrupted. I don't get why people who I see almost everyday can not say what they have to say and give me time to squeeze it in my schedule. I'm trying to be responsible, I really am. And as far as I am concerned, I am doing very well. But when people who are not being responsible (when they should be), my being responsible gets affected.

I tell you. If you can't be responsible for yourself, at least be responsible for others. You should be considerate of others too. I'm not one of your soldiers waiting for your command. I waited. You kept quiet. Now when I'm so busy, you'd start making orders!

Pardon me, pero I'm SO thankful you'd be gone next year. Then, perhaps, order will be restored. Hopefully.

******

Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines... I'm DEAD!!!

*****

ON STRICT BLOG LEAVE FOR A WEEK!!! WAH!!! GOD HELP ME!!!

Wounded Monster

Am currently in the library again, researching for my Lit Project. Been reading all about Hitler. It's kind of empowering to know that the man who had killed a thousand people was not pure evil but rather, a man who had been wounded --- repetetively --- by the people surrounding him, that it led him to being a monster who needed someone to understand him.

Too bad no one thought of that during those times. Then again, why should they? He was a murderer. Him being a mental patient does not justify his actions, though it gives light, and hope, to me that man is not purely evil. He just becomes so because of the situations he found himself in.

I wonder if, when Hitler died, he realized he had done something so monstrous and asked for mercy? I pray for him. In a way, he was a victim of man's actions as he was the cause of man's sorrows.

*****

I need to do my researches today on the important people mentioned in Danielle Steel's novel "Wanderlust" so that I won't be pressured tomorrow when I start (and hopefully, if all goes well) finish both Javi's and Ken's projects. Would have to that in Yacal which is why I'd be once again spending the weekends with Tita Emma and the others.

******

Today I also have to write three drafts:

1. draft for the script for the film video for FS3
2. draft for the workbook for the taped workbook for FS3
3. draft for the poem for the audio for FS3

Utter punishment. Well, I worked out the last one by searching for a poem about Verbs on the net. I found one that you can sing with to the tune of BINGO. Hehehe. Both the first and second activities are due on the 23rd so my priority would be the taped slide. I'm too tired to get angry at Vindollo for all these projects, so I'll just use my left over energies on fulfilling my requirements.

*****

Two weeks to go for sophomore year. Gosh! Am already a junior!!! c*,)