Colds, Finals and Hyprocrites

Warp Back to 15 year old me:

People make me really inferior. It's like no matter how much I would want to please them, I just can't do it. It's like I'm such a big loser. Maybe I am. Even if I don't do anything to them, keeping to myself and remaining in the sidelines, galit pa din sila. I don't know what to do. I try to be please them, but it's so tiring. Sometimes I ask myself why do I even try, when it already seems as if they've made up their minds about me even if they hardly knew me. It's hard to believe that it'll be their lost, when I am here sitting all alone and lonely, while they all hang-out and have friends...

Now to the 18 year old me:

I've long ago given up trying to please people. I've learned that no matter what I do, it won't work. I'd just end up miserable and intimidated. What's aggravating with the situation is the fact that I know I'm feeling this way because I let me feel this way. An**** and the others didn't order me to feel inferior, or casted out. Maybe I am letting how they define me be how I define myself, so I decided that, when I started college, I'd be the one defining who I am. And I had done just that.

Now here I am feeling as if I'm back in high school again. Only this time, I'm part of the crowd that is making others feel inferior. What irony! The atmosphere inside the classroom is terrible. I feel so overpowered by this childish people who feel as if its my fault they feel what they feel towards me. If I make them intimidated, its not because I'm so assertive and confident of myself. It's because they are letting their selves react in such a matter. And even if you may consider my being assertive as a factor, you would still have to agree that I have no control on how they would feel towards me, the same way I had no power over the people who disliked me back in high school.

It's frustrating really, to be surrounded by hypocrites, a week before Finals and nursing very bad colds. The silver lining in all of this is the fact that I have some cash on me. "Some" being the operative word of the day.

Sigh.

I guess people are really too complex to understand. It's a shame, I really wanted to avoid these kinds of divisions. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and let them make all the noise. It's already tiring to study for the upcoming exams and frankly, I've got no time for immature college classmates.

******

I'd be spending the 23rd with Mimi, Aileen and anyone who would want to tag along with us. My co-majors planned to have an outing on the same date, place still a big question. At first I was debating on whether I should go with them and save my relationships in class but after finding out that Mimi would be going to Taiwan the next day, I decided that I'd rather be with my friends. Because of them I'm keeping my sanity, thank God, and I don't want to lose them of all people. Masyadong madrama ang mga English majors! Di na nakakatawa...