\\ i M b a L a n C e //

I am currently in the state of imbalance, feeling like doing something else yet doing something else that I have to do. Its not supposed to be like this. I'm SUPPOSED TO BE enjoying everyday of my life as if it is my last. That has been my mantra, my motto, my ultimate tool for finding contentment and utter happiness.

I am so excited for summer vacation. Then, I wouldn't have to worry for unpaid fees, projects with deadlines, how I look to other people, what to eat at school, if I still have enough to be able to pay the fare home, or can I sleep in or not.

But for now I have all of that and the list of to-dos are growing by the minute. The four things I had listed previously are still in the list of to-dos and additional assignments had bombarded me today:

1. EJ @ 50 celebration. Have to research about the events of the 1970s and how EJ had lived through it. Done with 1970-71. Tasked freshman Eeno with 1972-73 and 77-79. Punishment for being late. Ate Apple will have to do 1974-76. That is if I locate her on time. Due Monday.
2. Pass article (2) by Friday to RD. I don't want to pass anything since I don't want to have anything I wrote in that department. I want to be moved to Pam/Lit, just biding my time before I approach Sir Daks. Sorry Ate Lala.
3. Tree diagramming due tomorrow. Have to research stuff about that pa pala.
4. Search for other schools for my FS4. Denied pointblank from Dominican School, not so sure with ESPS. Will see tomorrow before I go to Yacal to type ESP Prelims. Almost done with it. Will have money by Friday, hopefully.
5. Yellow Day on Friday. Mom bought me lotsa yellow tops, thank God
6. Research instructional materials for edtech proj
7. Lit project. Easiest. Analyze Celia Ahern's "Rosie Dunne" using the Feminist Approach. Due March 16, but will do and finish it tomorrow at Tita Emma's house. Three birds at one stone. Hehehe

I don't know why the webside of Dept. of Education won't open! I can't get new schools if this freaking site won't cooperate! Argh!

March 21 starts off finals. Hopefully may pangbayad na kami then. Hay.

Grade Conscious +,+

How had I let this happen to me? How had I become so conscious of what people tell about me? Had my desire for acceptance finally ruined (again) my ability to prove to MYSELF that I am fine as I am and no one needs to redesign me, not even me?

Am not making sense am I?

BACK UP: Today is THE Monday after the Prelims Week AKA Hell Week and the class finally got our test results in three of our five courses. We have two professional education courses: Educational Technology and Principles of Teaching 2. The only academic course I have now this semester is Literature 101. The latter had made my lame test results in the previous ones a tad bit more bearable, Thank God! I guess I should say that my scores aren't really that low, only low in my perspective since I had been expecting much much more from myself. I really wanted to get all 1s this sem, but am not sure anymore.

What sucks is that I've been feeling utterly pressured and bombarded with these and those expectations --- from other people and worst, from myself (so as to prove that their expectations of me are justified and I deserve it all).

How had I let myself be so wrapped up in these extrinsic and undeniably lame motivators? Why hadn't I studied for the sake of learning? WHY!!!

What do I do now huh? Do I cry and hate myself for turning into the person I detested for so long? Or do I just plunge myself into working better?

DUH.

Of course I'd hate myself first, then do the work I need to do. It can't go any other way since I'll be hating myself while I am already doing the work, so might as well get the hate part over with. Am not going to cut myself or anything. No, am just going to work harder. That's punishment enough I believe.

This is why I am still in the library at 4:36 PM. Am really going to suffer heavy traffic if I don't get my butt off this PC, but what the heck. It's free. I can do my other tasks tomorrow and on Wednesday. See them below:

1. DO THE ESP TAKE HOME PRELIMS. Analyze three texts. Evaluate them using the following criteria (14 in all). Compare and contrast them. Submission extended January 30. Do 2. Ken's 250 worth prelims. +,+
2. DELIVER FS4 LETTERS to HSC, ESPS and DC. Pray they approve.
3. MATTER LOAD FOR DEBATE. Afghan Drug Trade 35% done. Three more HWs to research. Bad timing. Mom's PC at ofc not usable w/o permission. Blech!!
4. DO EDTECH PROJ WITH GENAY. ABCs for a Beginning Teacher and Instructional Materials. Handy-dandy dictionary. Due Feb 5.

I guess with all these work I wouldn't have to remind myself that I am once again loveless on Valentines. The silver lining to my big, fluffy dark cloud...

PS. I asked my Aunt if I go use their PC tom to type the ESP prelims. 4got its my cuz bday tom. TOINKZ!

Hell (of a) Week

*UPDATES:

1. Still unable to pay for my Prelims fees, but have been allowed to take the tests provided I see the prof once I get my permit. Mom says I might be able to pay by next week, might being the operative word of words. Story of my life. (And everyone else's for that matter... Money is really not something everyone has right now, and I'm just thankful am still in UST).
2. Papa texted mom last Tuesday, aggravated because we couldn't pay the land tax this month. Mom needs a huge sum of cash to do so, even with the so-called senior citizen discount. Part of the money for the said tax had been left to our neighbor who had let mom get it because we've been really in need. I actually don't remember when, but then again we've always been in need. Oh well, its not like I can do anything about it. I still can't understand Papa. He's already retired, a US citizen, a man with money and obviously, he's not going to live for too long, so why not use it, right? Now I know I sound really brutal, but forgive me. I resent my grandfather for being so damn selfish. And because, deep inside, I blame him for my dad's sudden departure... but that's for a different ranting session. Let's schedule it once of these days okey?
3. But back to Papa and Mama. Am not sure when but there's been news that their coming home for Boji's graduation (if they (OLOPSC) let him graduate... Boji has yet to pay his tuition fee and am not sure what kind of magic will mom pull of to do so...) I wish they won't cause it will make my (our) home life hell. I won't be able to go as I please. It wouldn't be OUR home when they're there since, duh, it is theirs.
4. Because of all these problems I've decided to focus my attention to other things, like school and books. Books are by far the best remedies if you want to escape your reality. I've finished reading Kathy Love's "Wanting Something More". So cool. Its supposed to be for seven days but I couldn't get my hands off it so I finished it in one sitting. Chelle wants to read it too, but she can't borrow books since she still has unpaid overdues here in the lib. Too bad, wala nang ibang Kathy Love books in the library. I chance upon it by the new books section sa Humanities. Oh well.
5. Speaking of Chell, we've been hanging out a lot these past four days, being in the Education Debate Team. Bry, Reevan, Chell and I will be competing against Engineering on February 16, and I'm really anxious to get it over with. Kakakaba!

Well, today's my last prelim. Tomorrow Gef wants to celebrate her 18th birthday and the last day of exams, but am not so sure if I 'll be able to go... see reasons above.

Hopefully one day I won't be writing about being poor anymore...

Limits in Friendship: Is there such a thing?

My friend Rochelle is planning to run as the Student Council Secretary next year. I'm biased of course, but it'll still depend on how they (the candidates) deliver their platforms and campaign for votes. As for now I'm keeping in mind the positive traits in Rochelle that I've learned to love.

1. She's very firm when it comes to what she believes in, to the point that you'd (if you're as nonconfrontational as I am) feel you've lost all together.
2. She's far from being shy on telling how she feels. (This may lead her to being overly frank, but that's just how she is. I'd rather have her that backstabbers any day.)
3. She may be small for her age (19), but she lives big.
4. She's honest, brutally at times.
5. She knows when to be a friend, when to console and when to say sorry. I know this for a fact.

Many people wouldn't like her, but many would respect her too. Now I see Rochelle as a person that I can never be like. For one, even if I'm trying (and so far had been successful) in forgetting what other people may be thinking of me, it still hurts to know that I have only a few friends who'd truly miss me if I die today. (God forbid! I still have four more prelims to take... and I've yet to pay my prelim fees. Yikes!)

Rochelle is also an epitomy of the person I wish I had been way before. Someone who knows herself enough not to mind how society, or a class filled with backstabbers and plastics, want her to be.

But all these traits that make Chelle unique and lovable are being undermined by her desire to have power in the student body. Reevan talked to her after our debate training (while Bry and I are at the xerox counter) about her unconscious manner of forcing her insights on the topic regarding our Lit101 class. I was the one who first started this issue. It's basically a question of competency and value of education here in UST, in connection to their refernce materials for the offered course of World Literature. (I'm not sure what it is for, since all courses in UST are prerequisites to other courses. But I digress. I love lit. Too bad it's so undervalued here. First time I regret being a Thomasian.)

Basically, our instructor told us that the reference materials used in our class was actually a compilation made my Engineering students as a project.

TALK ABOUT UNDERVALUE!

Chelle being frank and all, got all hyped up in ranting on this insulting behavior. I myself told my prof that its not only an insult to us, but to her as an instructor (and not a very good one at that, sorry). How can she, as an educator, manage to use a non-academic text as an academic text and rely on it from the start to end of the semester, without feeling subjugated? If she had any professional self- respect, she would not tolerate such a thing?

Chelle had other points however, and because it was already the end of the period, almost, I wasn't fully listening. It wasn't all new to me to hear her get carried away. I know her to be very vocal, which makes us good friends because I tend to keep my mouth shut on certain topics. (Except if I'm speaking to Mimi or Ai, two people I know I can trust with anything).

Reevan told Rochelle to be careful in her manner of presenting her points, given her desire to run. I think Reevan was just trying to help, but in the process, he had put Chelle in the ugly position of questioning herself, her every move.

I sure know how that feels.

Warp back to high school: Angeli and I were on our way out of UST. I walked her home so I wouldn't be bored, and so she wouldn't be harrassed by the passing tambays of Espana. Anyhow, Angeli told me pointblank, what Kathleen (his girlfriend at that time) told her: that she (Kath) hated my existence.

Imagine my shock when I heard that, when all along I had been walking hollow and soulless in the dark walls of EHS, hurt and alone. It was like a huge sword has been stuck into my heart, ending my battle for high school acceptance.

Up to now am not sure why Angeli told me what she told me. I can't clearly remember. When bad memories like high school and losing a dad haunt your everyday existence, you just can't help but obliterate them completely from your long term memory.

Now, I am asking: Is there such a limit in friendship? Was Reevan right in his manner of telling Chelle on being more diplomatic while not diminishing her identity? Is it even possible to be anything than who you are and still be happy?

The last question I can answer: NO. Because even if you create thousands of masks, your real face will still be tear-streaked and crumpled underneath, and as one by one the masks fall off, your true face will be revealed.

And then you just might be able to smile. (Because there'll be no more rubberbands pulling on your ears...)

Aloha: Hello and Good bye

Hello to: new template
Good bye to: old template

Hello to: prelims
(Almost) good bye to: 2nd year in college

Hello to: more hours of sleep and leisure
Good bye to: work

FOR SOME REASON EVERYTHING HAD CHANGED SINCE I LAST WROTE IN THIS BLOG O' MINE!

And I have the faintest idea why... Yesterday we had our successful reporting for Ed Tech, despite Tin's stressing urges of working on it. Ma'am Vindollo made her comments and suggestions, and will tell us our grade tomorrow. Since Ma'am Jimenez and Sir Daks were on a seminar, we were free. I had to dash home to be able to change clothes and rest (got to watch 8 Mile, Eminem was actually good.. hee) so I can make it to my job at Banawe before 5. I did, and Jaime was actually cooperating. I was having fun teaching her, learning from her. I hoped she learned from me as well, because her grandma was really worried she would have to repeat first grade due to her low grades.

Then disaster struck in the form of 800 pesos.

Now I know why one shouldn't count the chickens before the eggs hatch. I was so stressed with the fact that I haven't paid for my prelims which starts Monday that I started imagining where will I used the money I'd earn from tutoring Jaime, a thing I had tried to stopped myself from doing because I knew its a jinx.

So when grandma Sally asked me for a talk, I knew it wasn't anything good. For me anyway. Apparently, Jaime's teacher who was also concerned with her academic status, offered to tutor Jaime herself. I was despensable, so off I went. Grandma Sally did pay me Php 800, doubling the supposedly 400 I had earned with the four sessions we had. I still don't know if I'm sad or not. For one thing, it was only 100 for a session, one that I had to work hard for, wait for, and lose sleep from. For another, it was an experience, a way to know if teaching truly is my calling (and it is!), and besides, I'll miss Jaime. She was my first ever student. Well, aside from Alyssa and Medrick.

Oh well.

Without the tutoring, I now have NO OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME, NO OTHER SOURCE OF PROBLEMS making me remember that I am a pathetic, boyfriendless eighteen year old, trying to trick people into thinking that I am awesome.

What a life.

Loveless and Lonely

I promised myself not to let the fact that I am 18 and still a relative virgin to the fact that I have not, in any part of my life, participated in a serious, committed relationship with the opposite sex, get in the way of my making 2007 my year.

Sadly, I am unable to fulfill this promise.

Yesterday I was with my classmates at the mall, ready to watch Juda Anne Santos' MMFFP film "Kasal, Kasalo, Kasali" from which she won Best Actress, and I couldn't stop but watch my friend Lianne and her long-term bf Jay be all sweet to each other. I'm not jealous because I like Jay or anything -- I hardly know the guy -- its just that I feel inferior, knowing that I am as clueless in the rules of dating as a Martian would be if he's thrown on planet Venus.

And that sucks.

It not only makes me feel all alone and lonely, it also makes me really feel ugly, unlovable and unworthy. It's getting really harder to cheer myself up, to believe that somewhere out there HE is there waiting for me as I am waiting for him.

I'm now taking a test at Tickle.com, "Why are you still single?". Let's see what it could tell me, and maybe, just maybe, it could help me get a new perspective. I still have two hours to waste, since I have to go to Banawe for the my first tutorial session before 5 PM.




You're single because you don't want to commit

Why Are You Still Single?
Brought to you by Tickle

Once the blush of first love wears off with your partners, do you get a little
antsy? You probably crave excitement in all realms of your life, and you need a
relationship to keep you filled with possibilities. Let us guess: Someone has
probably told you that you haven't quite grown up yet, that you're still holding
out for the perfect "whatevers" (job, car, home, date) in your life to come a
knockin'. Or perhaps you're just having a difficult time accepting that your
comfortable little place in this world is always growing, always evolving — and
that means you have to be willing to accept big life changes, too. Not that
there's anything wrong with that. After all, you're probably a lot of fun to be
around and may be the life of the party.But when it comes to settling down, you
leave without looking back twice. Now's the time to ask yourself: Why? What's
holding you back? Maybe you don't want someone to get to know you fully? Perhaps
by saying "yes" to someone, you're afraid you'll lose yourself, or the
possibility of something better coming along. Just remember that the best
relationships are those that never stop growing. That's something you can
identify with, right? So keep that in mind next time you find someone you're
really comfortable with. You never know, it may prove even more exciting once
you really get to know each other, teensy flaws and all.

I'm not so sure if I fully agree with this result. I mean, for one thing, I considered my unrequited concern for he who shall not be named in this blog as my ex, even if, obviously, we weren't a couple. I couldn't think of anyone else to consider my ex, since, duh, I never had a bf, much less a nonbf.

I'm babbling. This is sooooo lame. I'm hating myself for doing this, but I'm in such a desperate position. I'm frequently asking myself if perhaps, it might be better if I just forget about the idea of a one true love waiting for me, and go on believing that the sad truth is, I'll grow, live and die on my own.

I think its because I have intimacy problems, even with guy friends. I mean, Oliver and Lloyd are the only guy friends I have. I had a crush on both of them, only Lloyd doesn't know that (and I rather die than admit it). I talk to them occassionally, when I bump into them with Mimi and Aileen. Our scheds are pretty tight so we don't always see each other, but we text. I was really annoyed at Lloyd when he opted to hang out with that random girl during the Paskuhan, but I tried not to let it be so obvious. It's not like I was hurt or anything. The only guy who had truly hurt me, was him. And up to now, I'm still hurting because, sad to admit, I still love him.

Which is why I am so angry at myself.

It feels as if I still love him because if I don't, I feel all empty and alone. So in a way, I'm just using him as a stopgap, an escape route from the sad reality that I am alone. I don't want to love him anymore. The more I do, the more I prevent myself from growing past him, past high school, past the sad, ugly poems inspired by a fourteen year old's infatuation.

But its not so easy as it is said.

He has a girlfriend, one that I despise even if I hardly know her. She's older, also an English major like me. They often hang around the lobby. I haven't seen them this year yet... maybe they broke up.

I saw him today. Our eyes caught and his looked as it had all those years ago -- deep, secretive, like he wanted to say something but couldn't/ wouldn't-- and I could breathe for five seconds. Then Via was teasing me so I snapped out of it and Chelle pulled him away to ask him something.

It hurts that after all these years I still care for him. It's insulting and aggravating, and downright embarassing to admit, even to myself, that I am loving a guy who I don't know well enough, and I had been for more than four years.

Maybe I am afraid. Maybe the experience I had with him had made me overprotective of my own heart. Via was teasing me to Reevan today, and I had to accompany him to buy us some snacks. I couldn't think of a thing to say to him and he seemed really awkward about it. I feel insecure. It doesn't show because I had always been such a good pretender. I can't stop myself, its like second nature to pretend. Other people are too blind to realize it. My introverted nature and individualistic ideas had blocked me from many people, but thankfully I still have some who I can truly count on. Even if I can count them using only my fingers, on one hand, they are still wonderful gifts of God.

Shucks, I'm being overdramatic again.

On another topic, I've been reading Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones". Its really good. I wanted to borrow Mitch Albom's "The Five People You'll Meet in Heaven" but I couldn't find it so I took this one instead. It was fated, I guess, because the more I read it, the less I remember my other problems and get to focus on Susie's.

I'm also hooked with Princess Hours. Its the first time that I'm dying to see how it'll all end. Too bad UST EdTech blocked YouTube.com and I couldn't watch it here... Oh well. I really want to see it so I won't have to sleep late and wait for the next episode. I'd just rent PC for it, once Tita Loi pays me for the tutorial sessions I gave her 11- year old son Medrick and his friend Alyssa. (I'd also be paying Boji, for the money I borrowed to watch KKK yesterday. It's a good thing my brother had money and that he was in his good mood.)

Well that's about it. I've overstayed again. Oh well. Off to read Chesca's blog. I love reading her life -- it makes me thankful that I have mine as mine. If you get that...

A Good Way of Starting the New Year

I shouldn't be here blogging, but forgive me, I'm tired. Just finished checking off the two important tasks I had planned on finishing today --- the day before regular classes returns, THE last day of Christmas vacation --- because I was too psyched with the upcoming celebrations that I had, stupidly, let my other responsibilities be forgotten for the moment.
Now it's 2007 and I had done the LTS requirements, emailing the Adobe file that I have to write on before I pass it tomorrow. I also have to tutor Medrick (and Alyssa, if she'd come) in Science later, for their MASAT Entrance test this Saturday. Today is day 3, the last day of our sessions, and I'd soon be jumping for joy with the money I had EARNED! Have I really written that? I had EARNED MONEY! It's not much, but hey, it is still money that I HAD EARNED thru MY ha
Anyways, 11 minutes more and I'm off. Better make the most out of it.
The other task I had successfully completed today is the ESP HW. Hopefully Prof. Dayao would like it...
Classes returns tomorrow. I'm really worried with my FS 4. Am still unsure if Kotska would allow my requests, so I made a new letter for Infant, just in case. I have to give more effort in the other subjects, in case Sir Daks wouldn't consider my being a model student and make true the 3 being enough for me comment. Yikes! I could handle a 2 but not a 3. It already sucks that I have to work with a 2 hovering on me, when I wanted to avoid a 2 this semester. Oh well. Sana lang I would still be in the DL, even with the ugly 2.
Well, am off for now.
******
Got to watch Disney's "High School Musical" last night. Finally. I'm so late with the gossips that it seemed like a gift from heaven. Zac Efron is really good looking, I realized. Hahaha...