Grade Conscious +,+
How had I let this happen to me? How had I become so conscious of what people tell about me? Had my desire for acceptance finally ruined (again) my ability to prove to MYSELF that I am fine as I am and no one needs to redesign me, not even me?
Am not making sense am I?
BACK UP: Today is THE Monday after the Prelims Week AKA Hell Week and the class finally got our test results in three of our five courses. We have two professional education courses: Educational Technology and Principles of Teaching 2. The only academic course I have now this semester is Literature 101. The latter had made my lame test results in the previous ones a tad bit more bearable, Thank God! I guess I should say that my scores aren't really that low, only low in my perspective since I had been expecting much much more from myself. I really wanted to get all 1s this sem, but am not sure anymore.
What sucks is that I've been feeling utterly pressured and bombarded with these and those expectations --- from other people and worst, from myself (so as to prove that their expectations of me are justified and I deserve it all).
How had I let myself be so wrapped up in these extrinsic and undeniably lame motivators? Why hadn't I studied for the sake of learning? WHY!!!
What do I do now huh? Do I cry and hate myself for turning into the person I detested for so long? Or do I just plunge myself into working better?
DUH.
Of course I'd hate myself first, then do the work I need to do. It can't go any other way since I'll be hating myself while I am already doing the work, so might as well get the hate part over with. Am not going to cut myself or anything. No, am just going to work harder. That's punishment enough I believe.
This is why I am still in the library at 4:36 PM. Am really going to suffer heavy traffic if I don't get my butt off this PC, but what the heck. It's free. I can do my other tasks tomorrow and on Wednesday. See them below:
Am not making sense am I?
BACK UP: Today is THE Monday after the Prelims Week AKA Hell Week and the class finally got our test results in three of our five courses. We have two professional education courses: Educational Technology and Principles of Teaching 2. The only academic course I have now this semester is Literature 101. The latter had made my lame test results in the previous ones a tad bit more bearable, Thank God! I guess I should say that my scores aren't really that low, only low in my perspective since I had been expecting much much more from myself. I really wanted to get all 1s this sem, but am not sure anymore.
What sucks is that I've been feeling utterly pressured and bombarded with these and those expectations --- from other people and worst, from myself (so as to prove that their expectations of me are justified and I deserve it all).
How had I let myself be so wrapped up in these extrinsic and undeniably lame motivators? Why hadn't I studied for the sake of learning? WHY!!!
What do I do now huh? Do I cry and hate myself for turning into the person I detested for so long? Or do I just plunge myself into working better?
DUH.
Of course I'd hate myself first, then do the work I need to do. It can't go any other way since I'll be hating myself while I am already doing the work, so might as well get the hate part over with. Am not going to cut myself or anything. No, am just going to work harder. That's punishment enough I believe.
This is why I am still in the library at 4:36 PM. Am really going to suffer heavy traffic if I don't get my butt off this PC, but what the heck. It's free. I can do my other tasks tomorrow and on Wednesday. See them below:
- DO THE ESP TAKE HOME PRELIMS. Analyze three texts. Evaluate them using the following criteria (14 in all). Compare and contrast them. Submission extended January 30. Do 2. Ken's 250 worth prelims. +,+
- DELIVER FS4 LETTERS to HSC, ESPS and DC. Pray they approve.
- MATTER LOAD FOR DEBATE. Afghan Drug Trade 35% done. Three more HWs to research. Bad timing. Mom's PC at ofc not usable w/o permission. Blech!!
- DO EDTECH PROJ WITH GENAY. ABCs for a Beginning Teacher and Instructional Materials. Handy-dandy dictionary. Due Feb 5.
I guess with all these work I wouldn't have to remind myself that I am once again loveless on Valentines. The silver lining to my big, fluffy dark cloud...
PS. I asked my Aunt if I go use their PC tom to type the ESP prelims. 4got its my cuz bday tom. TOINKZ!
Labels: school
posted by beryl @ 4:27 PM
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