Loveless and Lonely

I promised myself not to let the fact that I am 18 and still a relative virgin to the fact that I have not, in any part of my life, participated in a serious, committed relationship with the opposite sex, get in the way of my making 2007 my year.

Sadly, I am unable to fulfill this promise.

Yesterday I was with my classmates at the mall, ready to watch Juda Anne Santos' MMFFP film "Kasal, Kasalo, Kasali" from which she won Best Actress, and I couldn't stop but watch my friend Lianne and her long-term bf Jay be all sweet to each other. I'm not jealous because I like Jay or anything -- I hardly know the guy -- its just that I feel inferior, knowing that I am as clueless in the rules of dating as a Martian would be if he's thrown on planet Venus.

And that sucks.

It not only makes me feel all alone and lonely, it also makes me really feel ugly, unlovable and unworthy. It's getting really harder to cheer myself up, to believe that somewhere out there HE is there waiting for me as I am waiting for him.

I'm now taking a test at Tickle.com, "Why are you still single?". Let's see what it could tell me, and maybe, just maybe, it could help me get a new perspective. I still have two hours to waste, since I have to go to Banawe for the my first tutorial session before 5 PM.




You're single because you don't want to commit

Why Are You Still Single?
Brought to you by Tickle

Once the blush of first love wears off with your partners, do you get a little
antsy? You probably crave excitement in all realms of your life, and you need a
relationship to keep you filled with possibilities. Let us guess: Someone has
probably told you that you haven't quite grown up yet, that you're still holding
out for the perfect "whatevers" (job, car, home, date) in your life to come a
knockin'. Or perhaps you're just having a difficult time accepting that your
comfortable little place in this world is always growing, always evolving — and
that means you have to be willing to accept big life changes, too. Not that
there's anything wrong with that. After all, you're probably a lot of fun to be
around and may be the life of the party.But when it comes to settling down, you
leave without looking back twice. Now's the time to ask yourself: Why? What's
holding you back? Maybe you don't want someone to get to know you fully? Perhaps
by saying "yes" to someone, you're afraid you'll lose yourself, or the
possibility of something better coming along. Just remember that the best
relationships are those that never stop growing. That's something you can
identify with, right? So keep that in mind next time you find someone you're
really comfortable with. You never know, it may prove even more exciting once
you really get to know each other, teensy flaws and all.

I'm not so sure if I fully agree with this result. I mean, for one thing, I considered my unrequited concern for he who shall not be named in this blog as my ex, even if, obviously, we weren't a couple. I couldn't think of anyone else to consider my ex, since, duh, I never had a bf, much less a nonbf.

I'm babbling. This is sooooo lame. I'm hating myself for doing this, but I'm in such a desperate position. I'm frequently asking myself if perhaps, it might be better if I just forget about the idea of a one true love waiting for me, and go on believing that the sad truth is, I'll grow, live and die on my own.

I think its because I have intimacy problems, even with guy friends. I mean, Oliver and Lloyd are the only guy friends I have. I had a crush on both of them, only Lloyd doesn't know that (and I rather die than admit it). I talk to them occassionally, when I bump into them with Mimi and Aileen. Our scheds are pretty tight so we don't always see each other, but we text. I was really annoyed at Lloyd when he opted to hang out with that random girl during the Paskuhan, but I tried not to let it be so obvious. It's not like I was hurt or anything. The only guy who had truly hurt me, was him. And up to now, I'm still hurting because, sad to admit, I still love him.

Which is why I am so angry at myself.

It feels as if I still love him because if I don't, I feel all empty and alone. So in a way, I'm just using him as a stopgap, an escape route from the sad reality that I am alone. I don't want to love him anymore. The more I do, the more I prevent myself from growing past him, past high school, past the sad, ugly poems inspired by a fourteen year old's infatuation.

But its not so easy as it is said.

He has a girlfriend, one that I despise even if I hardly know her. She's older, also an English major like me. They often hang around the lobby. I haven't seen them this year yet... maybe they broke up.

I saw him today. Our eyes caught and his looked as it had all those years ago -- deep, secretive, like he wanted to say something but couldn't/ wouldn't-- and I could breathe for five seconds. Then Via was teasing me so I snapped out of it and Chelle pulled him away to ask him something.

It hurts that after all these years I still care for him. It's insulting and aggravating, and downright embarassing to admit, even to myself, that I am loving a guy who I don't know well enough, and I had been for more than four years.

Maybe I am afraid. Maybe the experience I had with him had made me overprotective of my own heart. Via was teasing me to Reevan today, and I had to accompany him to buy us some snacks. I couldn't think of a thing to say to him and he seemed really awkward about it. I feel insecure. It doesn't show because I had always been such a good pretender. I can't stop myself, its like second nature to pretend. Other people are too blind to realize it. My introverted nature and individualistic ideas had blocked me from many people, but thankfully I still have some who I can truly count on. Even if I can count them using only my fingers, on one hand, they are still wonderful gifts of God.

Shucks, I'm being overdramatic again.

On another topic, I've been reading Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones". Its really good. I wanted to borrow Mitch Albom's "The Five People You'll Meet in Heaven" but I couldn't find it so I took this one instead. It was fated, I guess, because the more I read it, the less I remember my other problems and get to focus on Susie's.

I'm also hooked with Princess Hours. Its the first time that I'm dying to see how it'll all end. Too bad UST EdTech blocked YouTube.com and I couldn't watch it here... Oh well. I really want to see it so I won't have to sleep late and wait for the next episode. I'd just rent PC for it, once Tita Loi pays me for the tutorial sessions I gave her 11- year old son Medrick and his friend Alyssa. (I'd also be paying Boji, for the money I borrowed to watch KKK yesterday. It's a good thing my brother had money and that he was in his good mood.)

Well that's about it. I've overstayed again. Oh well. Off to read Chesca's blog. I love reading her life -- it makes me thankful that I have mine as mine. If you get that...