Getting What You Want

My planner is sitting right in front of me at this very moment. It is positively tauntaing me, making me remember that I should not be blogging my hours away, but rather be in the third floor and start researching for the Lit project.

Then again I fully deserve this Internet freedom. I had been able to do the speech for Lit book sharing earlier. And it was a very successful event. I also had to wait for Toni to text me regarding the slides I needed for tomorrow's reporting in EdTech. It turned out the slides (which Toni also borrowed from my former classmate Jen Yutan) wasn't returned by her irregular classmate. I was going crazy all afternoon, worrying over the report.

Earlier today, right after ESP with Dayao, Genay, Barbs and I --- the three people who had absent ourselves in Vindollo's FS3 class yesterday --- met with said professor. Long story short, V agreed to let us do the final requirement only now we will be working together. The tasks are mind-boggling, which is why I worked on researching it first before I blogged. I understand V now... but I still don't like her.

Back to the slides, as I've said, I was going crazy. Madami na akong atraso kay Vindollo and I knew she hated hearing sorry, since she'd heard it countless times na. I tried my luck in asking the librarian if there was a possibility that the lib had any slides. She directed me to EdTech, where I knew Ma'am Vizconde works. I asked Ma'am Vizconde's help and she directed me to the man in the Office Management Section of the Center. Sir Ariel made me write a letter addressed to Fr. Cabading so that I can borrow the slides. Voila!

I hurriedly texted my mom: May slides na ako! May slides na ako! May slides na... may slides na.... MAY SLIDES NA AKO!!!

I was so happy. (Obviously). It felt good to get something you worked hard for. c*,)

Well, off to third floor. I'm meeting mom in the LRT later. Hope she'd feed me... am famished!

Wish me luck on my reporting tomorrow! c*,)

Calm before the Storm

I am actually very calm right now, despite the fact that it is raining on a Monday. I hate it when it rains on a Monday. Makes me feel like the whole week would be this ... dark. My day actually started good, considering that I've bought my 57th issue of WITCH. Have not missed a single issue in what? Four years! (That reminds me. Have to join the contests...)

I decided not to attend the FS3 meeting today. Genay texted me late yesterday about it and I just wasn't in the mood to think about the evil Vindollo. Tita Emma, Tito Dan, Nanay, Agnes, Aaron and I were in Tita Yolly's house yesterday, for Nikki's 1st birthday party and baby Ivan's christening. (Tita Yolly is mom's cousin, making the babies my 2nd cousins). It was fun. Agnes and I had to help Tita Emma manage the hosting, making the games. Today Agnes turns 14. OMG. I was supposed to go get the radio from them today! I totally forgot. Oh well, I've got tomorrow.

Anyhow, back to Vindollo. Since I was absent in the meeting, apparantly she'd be giving me an incomplete grade. She told the class that those who weren't present in the meeting would not be making the final requirement for FS3. How stupid is that?

I plan to report her to our guidance counselor tomorrow. Shortened classes naman e. Accreditation starts tomorrow. I also have to speak infront of my class and 1N1 for the book sharing. God help me!

Presently am working on the Lit proj. Have to do three: one for me, one for Javi and one for Ken. Mine will be about DS "Wanderlust" (my ultimate fave novel); Javi's about Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird" (don't know why I have to say pa what novel, when it's the only one HL did) and Ken's will be about Golding's "Lord of the Flies". I'd be earning cash from those and only have a few weeks to finish them. Would have to give Javi and Ken their project by next week.

Well, it's almost uwian time. Promised mom I'd finished the undies for her. Ciao for now.

Happy Camping

Too many movies, too many books, too many access to any other of the mention form of media IS bad for one's mental health. Especially if one is such a sucker for profound ideas on not so profound situations, at least to some intellectuals.

I think I've just babbled in my intro, but what I'm trying to say is (yes, there is a point), my life --- everything about me, my thoughts, my opinions, the way I can live life by the day --- is heavily influenced by the books I read and the movies I watch. Much like getting fat is influenced by nonstop eating, I do not stop observing. It's so natural for me to observe as it is for me to breathe in oxygen. (See why I became a high school outcast?)

Been reading the book Rochelle lend me. It's entitled "On the Fringe" and is basically a compilation of short stories on teenage/ high school drama. Only its not about mysteries, or marital woes, or financial troubles I always rant about in this blog o' mine. It's about, BIG SURPRISE, peer pressure and its bearings.

I haven't finished it, but I'm getting really into it, especially since I know how it felt to be invisible, unworthy, unliked, unaccepted, rejected, casted out and overall, hollowed out by the people who, I learned, would eventually become no one to me. If I knew what I know now then, I would do everything differently.

And as if this book haven't made my day, I've caught "Happy Campers" on Star World last night. I missed Gilmore Girls because of it, but what the heck. GG is still on replays anyway. Of course there were a lot of cuts in the flick, but I like it nevertheless. I plan to rent a VCD of it to see it all though.

Here's a quote I got from the film: (courtesy of the every dependable IMDB.com)

Life sucks--in a good way. Falling in love, falling in hate, getting laid, getting hurt--what's one without the other? When it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you're happy. Other times, you smile just because you've survived. But hey, a smile is a smile.

How's that for being profound?!

*****

I think I sprained my left ankle today. We were finishing off the OHP report in EdTech and Ma'am Vindollo got pissed 'cause we didn't have all the materials we needed to show the techniques. Chelle kept mentioning that the reason we didn't have it is because it was expensive. Vindollo also didn't like the way the powerpoint presentation was made --- too much infos were in it and Chelle only had to read it. Chelle, who had sadly lost the elections, took this really bad. I knew Vindollo could sense it so she asked us (the group) to go meet her outside after class.

(Actually I think she truly got mad on the fact that we kept mentioning Sir Espiritu. There's a rumor that she and Sir aren't in good terms because of our class. The project problem. Personally I think she needs major personality adjustments. I think she's focusing all her depression on losing her baby to us. I know it's an evil thought, but I can't help it. I hate her. Now I have to edit, for the umpteenth time, the PPT I made for my report. Argh!!!)

But before we could even go out, I fell from the flatform hence the sprained ankle. I have no idea if I'd be able to dance on Saturday after this. We were supposed to practice today but my speakers won't work. Oh well.

Life.

******

I'd be bombarded with events to attend on Friday. The EJ Seminar from 9 - 12 (from which I am the Head Usherette). The Book Club Week Parade on 10 -11 (from which I shall be wearing a Princess Tiger Lily costume). The Ola Bayle competition (from which I just have to show myself to avoid being absent). And the EJ Grand Homecoming (from which I shall be all glamorous in semi-formal attire... Yehey free food!!!) c*,)

With all of life's troubles, I am still thankful for being alive.

(So I can prove that I can succeed over them! HEH!)

Genius

"My 5th grade teacher told me, that "Genius is the ability to go from A to D without having to go through B and C." Sebastian can do that, but for me, I gotta have the B and C." - Matt Kensington from the 2000 movie "The Hollow Man"

I've never liked "The Hollow Man". The first time I encountered it, I was feeling hollow myself, a portion of my young life I hope never to remember or feel ever again. The next few times I was given a choice to watch it with either family or friends, I was just not into it. I love Kevin Bacon and all, but for some reason I never truly appreciated the idea of invisibility. I'm not necessarily invisible, yet to most people I'm still Nobody.

Anyhow, that's not why I took that quote off the flick (courtesy of IMDB). I've just got out from the opening of the EJ @ 50 Exhibit. I couldn't help but think... when I entered college all I wanted was to make sure I'd remain in UST. Money's tough, so I applied for the San Lorenzo Scholarship. Sadly, I'm not fated to be a working scholar (another facet of my young and mishap-filled life that I wish not to elaborate at the moment). Thankfully, God is still letting me live my life with all (almost) the things I shall need. When I lost the scholarship that I never really had in the first place, I decided that maybe it is time for me to put all my pent up energies into paper. So I joined the EJ.

I wasn't really sure if I'd get in, but when I learned that I did, I was sure it'll be in the PamLit section. Imagine my surprise when they told me I'd be in the Research Department, one that I didn't even consider. The general exam they make us all take was a bit judgmental --- they based my research capability by my knowledge in writing the correct APA formate in a bibliography. (I obviously know this since we were taking English 101 B then and making our research paper).

It was like a weird, and utterly devastating, rewind of high school, when out of nowhere I was made the News Editor for the Rosarian when all my high school life I've been in the Literary Department. But I digress. Better be part of an organ, that not be part of anything at all. And I decided, maybe they are telling me something about myself that I didn't know.

Maybe I was trying to be a genius, going from A to D without trying the B and C.

I gave all effort to get in the PamLit dept, not caring if I didn't pass the other departments because I was so sure of where I wanted to go. But they decided I'm better off in the RD.

Up until now I still haven't proven them right.

No article of mine reached the EJ, which is bittersweet. Bitter since I have no bragging rights (hah!). Sweet because I'm not so proud of the work I submitted.

Next year, I'd do better. Next year, I'd be more active in EJ. Next year I'd not only prioritize my acads, but also my extras. Next year... oh Lord, please let me stay in UST!

******

Updates:

Papa and Mama's gifts for Boji's graduation from high school arrived yesterday. It consist mostly of expensive men's vanity stuff, huge second-hand shirts (Americans are fat. Even Pinoy- Americans), $150 (the $50 is mine c*,) and letters.

Mama's letter was the kind of letter you'd expect from a grandmother. I plan to reply to her thru email after this entry.

Her husband's letter, however, sounded like a strangers. Then again, mama's letter was addressed to me and Boji; Papa's was to mom's. And Papa likes to feel superior on mommy, which is partly the reason why I don't really like him. Mostly I don't because I personally blame him for dad's sudden death. Him and the others.

It may sound childish but I really hate the idea that they were all there, all together, while my beloved father's health deteriorated and no one even cared. Now, no one can, because he's gone, we're here, the dream of being together never ever coming true, while they live their lives in snow and prosperity. Together. Happy.

Mom and Boj have no idea I feel this towards the people I share a surname with. Being the eldest of all grandchildren sucks.

Being the eldest who remembers her dad's laugh ever so clearly... and knowing that I'd never be able to dance with him... just painful.

Post V-Day

I had survived and I am so proud of myself.

Yesterday had been one of the hardest days to live through. Of all the eighteen years I've been living, not once had I fully enjoyed the detested day for lovers, since, duh, I've never been a lover... or perhaps I've never been the lovee, if there's such a term. Whatever I am called, I did not, for obvious reasons, looked forward for V-day. I wanted it to come and go, and even liked the fact that it landed on a Wednesday, which is for me the most useless part of the week. It's just there to complete the seven days of the week, unlike Monday which officially kicks off the week or Sunday which officially ends it. (To some people Sunday may be the first day of the week, but I think that depends on how your calendar has been printed).

I am currently in the EJ office. All alone now that EIC Cyrus left. Oh yeah. Now I can do anything I want. I think I'd go and watch You Tube. Leo, a PamLit writer and the cutest guy in our quaint little org, told me the proxy that I can use to see blocked sites such as You Tube and Friendster. Helpful, that Leo.

We were made to attend the 22nd Fr. Antonio Gonzales, OP Memorial Lecture today. It wasn't much of a lost, since the speaker was really good. Dean is also celebrating her birthday today, which paved way for the mass. I wasn't in the mood to go to school today but I knew that I'd regret it if I absent myself. I always do.

So here I am, in my old, oversized uniform. I have to go home right after the EJ meeting so I can finally wash my appropriately fit uniform. Not so sure what's in store tomorrow for the Edukasiyahan. Hmm. The elections started today btw. I can already see Kalyo winning, even if 2EEM won't support Chelle. I told myself (and everyone else) that I'd be basing my vote on the person with the best platform. Since Lakas Tama didn't campaign to our class personally, I have not clear idea of their platform. I also asked for a sign last Tuesday. Ate Camille won that "sign", but I'm still not so sure.

Oh well. Have to do some more worthwhile projects. February = work month. (Maybe next year it could mean love month to me too... HOPEHOPEHOPEHOPE!)

Politics vs. Friendship

My idol Maya Angelou once said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I've always thought of how smart Maya Angelou is and this quote proved just how much. Typically, it should go as a positive way of reminding people to be careful of what they'd do, but in my current case, its the other way around. And its all connected to Rochelle.

Rochelle had been my friend since first year when we had our PE (women's swimming) together during the first semester. She was part of the other BSE freshman section but we nevertheless became close. When the majors were finally arranged, she became the closest person to me in class. Her running for student council secretary alarmed me in a way, because I knew that things would be a bit difficult for her. I didn't think I would be effected that much.

February had always seemed to be the longest month for me, what with having all its 28 days jam-packed with activities and deadlines. So I was off and running for the Journal last Thursday when I saw Rochelle and her co-party members, Ate Camille (for president) and Ate Julie (for VP) were inside the classroom and were apparently explaining something to the English Majors. I was all "What's going on here?" but since the professor already arrived, I didn't get my answer. Later that afternoon, the Education Debate team, to which I was part of, had a meeting with Sir Bong. Rochelle was also a member. Too preoccuppied with the debate, I forgot to ask Rochelle what was happenning when I entered the classroom. We were all going crazy because the debate was held the next day, and Education week was fast approaching. (It actually started today.)

Anyways, we agreed to meet early Friday morning to prep up for the competition. Rochelle wasn't able to attend, and out of the blue I remembered about the "issue" in the class. Bryan filled me up. Long story short, I learned that Chelle had blindsided us (2E2) about being affiliated to their party (KALYO) by taking our registration forms and IDs in support of her party. What pissed me off were actually three things:

1. That Chelle lied to me.
2. That she lied to everyone else.
3. That I was too ignorant to know what was already unfolding in front of me.

I knew there were something fishy when Chelle asked for the forms. I knew I should've asked her in detail. But because of too many things in mind (EJ, requirements, assignments, projects, deadlines...), I forgot. And now I feel torn: should I defend Rochelle, she being my friend and closest confidante or confront her and decide the fate of our friendship?

I needed to think. I needed to get past the hurt and disappointment. I needed to talk to Chelle first, but for some reason I couldn't face her just as suddenly. Probably because I was still hurt and disappointed. So I decided to let it go for a while. We went through the debate competition, fought well and hard, lost but had gained a lot of things from the experience. *That reminds me, I should ask Chelle to request a certificate of participation from the TomCat. It would really look good in my resume. Hehehe* Afterwards, we got to interview the four oh-so lovable boys of Lakas Coalition. Kuya Ney (for CSC pres), Jonet (for Treasurer), papa Cachi (for Auditor) and Jules (for P.R.O.) answered all our questions in that whole hour we've interviewed them. We even got pics and autographs! Ha! (I plan to watch the Miting de Abanse on Wednesday since I've got no other plans for V-Day anyway).

Anyhow, Rochelle and I finally had the Talk on the LRT, with our guidance counselor Ma'am Carol and Javi as witnesses. I told Chelle what happened to me and how I felt. I told her that she's still my friend, and I'm still hers, but there is still a looming doubt on my part. I still feel really pissed off to the fact that she lied.

The problem now lies at the fact that my beloved co-English Majors are sooooo dramatic. And plastic. They are this close in becoming utterly judgmental, which I hate. I told Jenny, a friend and one of the people who still dislikes Rochelle for what she did, that if there will be a time that I'd have to choose whose side I'd be in, I'd remain neutral. Why?

Because either way I'd lose. If I choose Chelle, her being my friend for the longest time, it'll be like I'm being punished also, when in the first place, I'm also a victim of her lying. If I choose Jenny and the others, I'll be turning my back from Chelle, which I do not want to do. As much as I hate what she did, she's my friend and I love her. A friend loves at all times.

So where does that leave me? Where do I truly belong?

There are actually two good things that I earned from this experience:

1. I learned how ignorant I can be and promise not to be like that anymore.
2. I learned that I can forgive easily, but I won't be able to forget in a snap.

As for Chelle, well am still unsure if I'd still vote her. I know for a fact that the other English Majors won't. The miting de abanse held earlier was great. I got a lot from the candidates. But I still have to think it through...

Sigh. I got too excited in writing this, I haven't even done the researches I was supposed to do and now I got to go home. Would be riding the jeep today. Austerity measures. Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

Ranting Session: Don't try to Define me

Don't try to define me. I am not definable by certain terms, for I am complex. I am this, but I can also be that. I am not limited to a particular mold of bread. I am everchanging. I won't be feeling this way tomorrow, but I could still feel it again. I maybe complicated for your taste, but this is me. This is who I am. Don't try to figure me out by just hanging around for a couple of days. Don't try to pinpoint my moods, or judge my actions. Don't even think that you know me enough to tell others when I am feeling something or not. You don't know me. I am still trying to figure things out on my own, how a person as clueless as you can figure them out for me? How can you even think that by being a supposed friend, you can be patrionizing and hypocritical?You ought to listen. Learn to listen. Because if you don't know how to listen, people would never learn how to listen to you. And because if you don't listen, you'll end up saying trash, much like what you are doing now.

I hope you'd know by now not to generalize people. We aren't like the points or standards you get to formulate in that thick skull of yours! We are humans, we change, we grow, we get so complicated, it's even annoying for us! But that's who we are. If your not like that then so be it. I am not asking you to be like that. I am merely asking you to respect who a person is, and don't even think you can change him. Even if you can, YOU HAVE GOT NO RIGHT! A person is to his own, as you are to yourself. You change yourself, because in my opinion, there are A LOT of things about you that needs adjustment. Major adjustments!

Learn to listen, and keep your mouth shut. Learn to be polite, although I personally believe that should be innate. Politeness that is insincere is merely rudeness in a completely rude form. Learn to hear other people, learn to shut up. Learn to be a man. Be a man! If that's what you really are!

I am through trying to be your friend. I am finished. I don't care anymore. After this is all over, I am backing off. I don't need someone who boxes me in an idea he has created of who I am. I don't want to call a friend who considers me a mere manequin who has tempers and tantrums, and that's all that is to her. I am not like that. You are not a true friend if you think that. Obviously, you're not. Your are a plastic friend, a person who judges others. Too bad for you. Life is hard for those who sees others' flaws, while they themselves are filled with puke, and don't even realize it. They ARE the puke of society.

And a big bad "BLECH!" to the hell of them.