Genius

"My 5th grade teacher told me, that "Genius is the ability to go from A to D without having to go through B and C." Sebastian can do that, but for me, I gotta have the B and C." - Matt Kensington from the 2000 movie "The Hollow Man"

I've never liked "The Hollow Man". The first time I encountered it, I was feeling hollow myself, a portion of my young life I hope never to remember or feel ever again. The next few times I was given a choice to watch it with either family or friends, I was just not into it. I love Kevin Bacon and all, but for some reason I never truly appreciated the idea of invisibility. I'm not necessarily invisible, yet to most people I'm still Nobody.

Anyhow, that's not why I took that quote off the flick (courtesy of IMDB). I've just got out from the opening of the EJ @ 50 Exhibit. I couldn't help but think... when I entered college all I wanted was to make sure I'd remain in UST. Money's tough, so I applied for the San Lorenzo Scholarship. Sadly, I'm not fated to be a working scholar (another facet of my young and mishap-filled life that I wish not to elaborate at the moment). Thankfully, God is still letting me live my life with all (almost) the things I shall need. When I lost the scholarship that I never really had in the first place, I decided that maybe it is time for me to put all my pent up energies into paper. So I joined the EJ.

I wasn't really sure if I'd get in, but when I learned that I did, I was sure it'll be in the PamLit section. Imagine my surprise when they told me I'd be in the Research Department, one that I didn't even consider. The general exam they make us all take was a bit judgmental --- they based my research capability by my knowledge in writing the correct APA formate in a bibliography. (I obviously know this since we were taking English 101 B then and making our research paper).

It was like a weird, and utterly devastating, rewind of high school, when out of nowhere I was made the News Editor for the Rosarian when all my high school life I've been in the Literary Department. But I digress. Better be part of an organ, that not be part of anything at all. And I decided, maybe they are telling me something about myself that I didn't know.

Maybe I was trying to be a genius, going from A to D without trying the B and C.

I gave all effort to get in the PamLit dept, not caring if I didn't pass the other departments because I was so sure of where I wanted to go. But they decided I'm better off in the RD.

Up until now I still haven't proven them right.

No article of mine reached the EJ, which is bittersweet. Bitter since I have no bragging rights (hah!). Sweet because I'm not so proud of the work I submitted.

Next year, I'd do better. Next year, I'd be more active in EJ. Next year I'd not only prioritize my acads, but also my extras. Next year... oh Lord, please let me stay in UST!

******

Updates:

Papa and Mama's gifts for Boji's graduation from high school arrived yesterday. It consist mostly of expensive men's vanity stuff, huge second-hand shirts (Americans are fat. Even Pinoy- Americans), $150 (the $50 is mine c*,) and letters.

Mama's letter was the kind of letter you'd expect from a grandmother. I plan to reply to her thru email after this entry.

Her husband's letter, however, sounded like a strangers. Then again, mama's letter was addressed to me and Boji; Papa's was to mom's. And Papa likes to feel superior on mommy, which is partly the reason why I don't really like him. Mostly I don't because I personally blame him for dad's sudden death. Him and the others.

It may sound childish but I really hate the idea that they were all there, all together, while my beloved father's health deteriorated and no one even cared. Now, no one can, because he's gone, we're here, the dream of being together never ever coming true, while they live their lives in snow and prosperity. Together. Happy.

Mom and Boj have no idea I feel this towards the people I share a surname with. Being the eldest of all grandchildren sucks.

Being the eldest who remembers her dad's laugh ever so clearly... and knowing that I'd never be able to dance with him... just painful.