The Good Girl

New Blog

2007-12-17T11:41:00.000+08:00

I now have a new blog, the final and official one: Beryllism
I am also deleting the doodle blog since I'm too lazy to write my stories, as always.
I'm keeping this one for future reference, but this would be my last post in this blog in a long long time.

Happy Holidays everyone!

It's One of Those Days

2007-12-13T11:56:00.000+08:00

There are just some days where you can't pinpoint where it went all wrong. Today is one of those days.

From my grandfather's sermons and tirades on cleaning the house, to my not being in the mood to apply for a job even if I need one, to the uneasiness of being outside of the house because the people there are just not the ones I want to be with right now.

Hay.

****

I'm going to work on my new blog for now.

Starting Anew

2007-12-12T10:09:00.000+08:00

I want to start a new blog for next year. This time it'll be final and real and organize. I love this blog, and I'm proud that I've managed to keep it for as long as I had. But I really want to start a new one so I can have my friends and family visit it. One of the my 2008 resolutions is to try to reach out more to my paternal relatives. I'm turning 20 next year. The big TWO ZERO thing makes me feel old and stressed out; it makes me feel like I've wasted two decades of my life doing nothing really.

So I want to start a new one. I've been looking at skins over at blogskins.com since Monday, only since I'm using the free Internet in the lib, I'm not able to upload the skins I like to try on my new blog, which is still empty. I plan to write my first entry next year.

I think I'll try LJ. I never did get how it worked. I've been through Xanga and blogdrive. Blogspot is cool, but I'm kinda bored with it.

*****

Off for now.

Colds and Surveys

2007-12-07T11:42:00.000+08:00

It's so freaking cold here in the library! I already have a nasty cold, to top it all of!

I did something really stupid today --- I didn't go to class. Eek. I went straight to the Internet Station, having this crazy idea of looking for other survey sites that I can try to earn extra bucks. I still haven't found any. I also signed up for sites that pay bloggers who write reviews. Now I need to make my blog more accessible to people, which I have no idea how.

I'm tired.

Belly Dancing and Surveys

2007-12-05T11:39:00.000+08:00

I signed up for the alternative class, belly dancing with my old major mates. We were taught how to isolate our body parts from one another, i.e. the neck from the rest of the body, the chest, the hips, even the arms. It was a good excercise. I would love to do it again, if I had the money to pay for a class. The woman who taught us, Ms. Gemma, was actually a doctor. She was thin and well-built, but she told us that she already has two kids of her own. Super hindi halata. I'm inspired to try this further. I guess I'll just add it to my things to do before I turn 25 list for now.

******

I'm trying to get some information for a part time job or anyway that I can earn extra cash to spend. TeenTalk has been very helpful. I just signed up to A.W. Surveys. I'm still trying to grasp the concept of PayPal though. We'll see.

******

Twenty days for Christmas. I want to ask Mama for a new pair of school shoes before they go, but I just can't bring myself to do so. Mom and Papa talked a couple of days ago, and Mom said we should try to be more malambing to our grandparents, since that's what they are only looking for. I might be able to push myself to do it before the nineteenth. Hopefully.

******

The TeenTalkers' Christmas EB at Food Express, Gateway, Cubao is next Saturday, December 15. Details are still unclear for now. I hope I can go, but Papa and Mama might have plans to do with us before they leave for the States. Hmm...

******

I'm gonna answer more surveys to earn. Need money desperately. Huhu.

A Piece of Me

2007-12-01T15:25:00.000+08:00

I'm so loving this new Britney song. It's blunt, it's catchy, it mentions the Philippines and its pure Britney. No matter how crazy her life is, I still can't help but love her. I grew up listening to her songs, memorizing every lyrics without giving much effort. Although I do admit, as I grew older I realized that her songs aren't really her own. She didn't write them herself, not like Avril or Kelly. But she still remains as the pop teen that had made me dance and sing to her songs. No one can change that.

*****

I didn't go to the job fair last Thursday, opting to stay at home and clean the house. I don't know why I didn't go. I guess, tinamad lang talaga ako. Now I'm paying the price. I took 3T from my saving, 2T for mom's expenses till the next pay day. I have to budget the 1T I have now, or else. Baka bumili na din kami ng bagong cellphone kasi yung phone ni mommy nagloloko na. I'd be giving her the one I just bought a month ago (N 2210) so I can buy a camera phone na. I'm thinking of getting the same as Papa's, kasi simple lang siya. But I'd still look for something cheaper, kasi yung 10T na maiiwan dapat hindi na magalaw pa. I really need a job. It's so frustrating, having nothing to do. Ito ngang rent na ito tinitipid ko pa. Hay!

*****
From TeenTalk: HOW BAD IS YOUR TEMPER?

LEO JULY 22 – AUGUST 21

If anyone has total control over their emotions, it is you. But then, you can be described as stiff, cold and uncaring. You are known to lack spontaneity but you really don’t care about opinions. You don’t like to create scenes and will never accept invitations to a party where you suspect the presence of an unruly lot. But your very presence seems challenging to some and they take vicarious pleasure in your disquiet. When angry you can use critical language. A dressing-down can humiliate your opponent, causing a strain between both of you forever.

*****

It's such a beautiful day, no use in dwelling in things I have no control with. So I'm off to TeenTalk for now. Later.

Coming Home

2007-11-28T11:51:00.000+08:00

These past few months I have been avoiding anything religious.

I guess I'm just too ashamed to face God, because I know I don't deserve Him. I may be a good girl in the outside, but there's a lot of things people don't know or see (or would want to see) that's going on inside me. I don't go to church as much as I know I should, and when I have no choice but to go to mass I don't fall in line to get the Eucharist. I don't pray as much as I should, I don't talk about God. I've had this blog for almost a year now, but I can honestly say that this is my first entry about my dying faith.

I still believe. It's just that I'm ashamed and guilty and yet I can't do anything about that. I don't want to. And it's scary because I know at the end of it all I'd have to face the music.

I don't know how to get back to Him. I need some deep soul searching. Good thing walang pasok sa Friday.

*****

I went to ICT Riverbanks yesterday, and passed my resume. The original plan was to pass it to ACA, a video renting shop just walking distance from my house. But when I got there, they were still closed so I decided to go to ICT. It took me about five hours or so before I got out. I was put in the waiting list for part time employees. Wala pa kasing opening ngayon. I honestly feel good that wala since I don't want to go back to a call center again, even if it is the only industry that undergrads like me are in demand, in the moment.

Mom did pass my resume to ACA, though.

I'd be going to a job fair tomorrow at Riverbanks. We'll see.

*****

It was raining hard last night. Sarap matulog!

*****

I want to start writing again to post in my oodling blog. And post it in TeenTalk.
Hmm...

****

I'm thinking of alibis so I could avoid going to the airport when Mama and Papa leaves for the States. I do not want to go the airport. Too many sad memories. Hmm...

****

I need to go home. I'll be getting quick lunch (PIZZA!) sa Recto. Later.

A Few More Days

2007-11-26T11:44:00.000+08:00

For a few more days, my grandparents will be staying with us, but come December 19, six days before Christmas, they'd be off home to Virgina, U.S.A. I can't help but feel relieved and excited that finally, finally I can do as I please without having to console/ please them. They're not that hard to be with, its just that its different with them here. We had a family meeting yesterday, with Papa reminding us to take care of the house as it is most probable that we (me and Boji) might inherit it someday...

Oh well, it's been a long vacation for them, mostly relaxing and enjoying being home, visiting relatives and friends. They were originally scheduled to go by January, but because of Tito Mike and Tita Alelie's sudden decision to get a divorce, they asked for an earlier flight out. It works for me since I've been wondering how are we supposed to spend the holidays --- with them or with mom's siblings in Manila? Now, I don't have to wonder.

Anyway, Boji texted me thru a friend's cellphone, saying we'd meet here in the lib. He doesn't have any money, since mom got annoyed at him earlier. Long story short, hindi siya binigyan ng baon. He's probably going to ask me to treat him to lunch or something. I might just have to touch my technically untouchable savings in BDO. Oh well. I plan to apply for a job in ACA, or Jollibee, by tomorrow. I don't think I want to go back to a call center, for now anyway.

Back to my beloved baby brother... He decided to quit his ROTC training saying that he's missing his 'civillian life'. He's already a fourth class officer, but I guess he's realized that he's not actually enjoying his first year in college with all the responsibilities of being an officer on his shoulders. It's just sad though. He's gone through a lot in his training, but I guess he's got what he needed in that experience. We'll see.

******

Back to TeenTalk after two years! Woohoo!
Visit my Thread!

*****

No classes on Friday. Bonifacio Day! Wee!!!

Breaking the Stereotype

2007-11-23T12:48:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I am suddenly being defensive by how I look. Probably because of the countless stares and unexpected reactions from strangers and friends, as the effect of my brand new look. I had my hair cut short last nigh, with a long bangs framing my face in the right side. I look boyish, like a rocker or a punk, but I'm neither. I'm just me.

I like my new hair. I asked Gee to specifically do this because I want to look edgy, different and comfortable because, duh, I live in a tropical country and I had inherited the sweaty gene from one of my parents that even if I do have short hair, I still get sweaty.

With that said I feel really scared and hurt and over all BAD in all those times that I stereotyped/ judged/ commented/ insulted a person behind their back about the way they look, talk, act, et cetera. It's just a bad feeling, knowing that you are being watched and looked over and dissected.

So now I promise myself to watch without judging. I'm not going to let this new attention scare me off from being who I am. I know who I am and I like me. I don't need to justify myself to people. Nor do I have to justify it to myself. Perhaps the reason why I am writing this now is because I am judging myself. No one has yet to comment anything to my face (and those who say things behind my back are just not worth my time). I am still me, just a little different. Then again, I've always been different, at least from my standpoint. I don't conform. After years of wanting to be part of something and completely forgetting about myself, I've learned that I can't please everyone. I don't need to either.

As long as I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, I'm happy. So I can live, and I'd let live.

*****

My beloved brother is on hyperdrive today. Tc little bro!

*****

I watched "Enchanted" yesterday at the Eastwood Cinema. Kakaiba ang sinehan doon, sosyal! I decided to use my prepaid movie pass since I won't be going back there for a long time to come and it was only good till December 23. I had finished doing my exit clearance and would probably ask for my certificate of employment sometime next month or come January since it is the holidays already.

"Enchanted" is a story about a fairy tale princess named Giselle (played by "The Wedding Crashers" AMY ADAMS) who met and was set to wed Prince Edward ("X-men"'s JAMES MARSDEN) . Meanwhile, the Prince's evil stepmother, Queen Narrisa (played by SUSAN SARANDON) is watching over them and in fear of losing her crown, she turns into a hag and tricks Giselle, pushing her into a well that leads her to the "real world", that is Manhattan. In the city, Giselle meets the hunky divorce lawyer Robert (Grey's McDreamy PATRICK DEMPSEY), whom she reminds of the existence/ possibility of a happily ever after.

I loved the movie from start to finish. The songs, the actors, the production. The story, even if it isn't so original, was good too. It was as if Disney was making a spoof of their own, while still making it as magical and amazing as it does to little girls (and boys). Amy Adams was amazing; a true Disney princess come to life.

I recommend this movie to anyone who is tired to thinking about work, school, problems, money, terrorism, and even being single because it reminds you, there is a happily ever after waiting for you there... somewhere. A five star feel good movie. Go Pip! Chipmunks rule!

******

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY's new movie, "Atonement" and "The National Treasure: The Book of Secrets" were featured in the trailer. Yee, can't wait!

Book Two of Maging Sino Ka Man showing December 10! Proud to be Kapamilya!

Eureka!

2007-11-21T13:08:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah I did it again! I found this awesome lay out in blogskins.com and I love it. I thought I wouldn't be able to get it since I had absolutely no idea on how to "host" the image then I saw in the html code that it was just in photobucket. I've had an account there for as long as I can remember so now I am actually using this lay out with making someone's bandwith suffer. Hurrah for me!

Seriously, I am glad with this lay out. I don't think I'd be changing it for a long long time. I also changed my blog's name to The Good Girl which fits. I'm going to try to make my own header image. Would have to look for Photoshop and review the things Ma'am Vindollo taught us two semesters ago.

I am already suffering from a terrible headache; it has been three days since I told this to mom. I am not complaining anymore, at least not to her, because for sure she'd make me stop renting or staying after class to use my internet privelages. This is my only addiction, my saviour of sanity, so I don't want to lose it.

Besides, I know why I am having headaches. It's my eyes. And no its over exposure with the computer, because I had worked 8 hrs for 5 days in front of a pc and that didn't make me have a headache. No, I think I need to wear glasses already. We'd have to check it out this weekend.

*****

I went to Libis as I mentioned in my previous post (look down). What I failed to mention is my fear that I won't be able to get anything from my last pay because I need to pay for the missing headset (almost 5T) and the remaining "balance" with my training bond (almost 8T). That's 13T if you do the math and they will take that from my last pay (I'm not sure if they can touch my commission though). Argh. The good thing about this, and yes there is a silver lining, is that I can now apply to a part time job once I get all my paper work done. I can't wait. Would be going back tomorrow to get all the sigs over with.

*****

It's been three hours since I got here. I think I'm just going to play with TeenTalk some more then off home. I can't wait to get a job. Then again, I better enjoy this freedom while it lasts.

Diamond Wedding

2007-11-20T12:49:00.000+08:00

Diamond Wedding

Andrew Motion

Love found a voice and spoke two names aloud -
two private names, though breezed through public air -
and joined them in a life where duty spoke
in languages their tenderness could share,

A life remote from ours because it asked
each day, each action to be kept in view,
and yet familiar in the trust it placed
in human hearts, in hearts remaining true.

The years stacked up and as their weight increased
they pressed the stone of time to diamond,
immortal-mortal in its brilliant strength,
a jewel of earth where lightnings correspond.

Now every facet holds a picture-glimpse;
In some, the family faces and the chance
for ordinary talk and what-comes-next;
in others, shows of pomp and circumstance.

And here, today, the diamond proves itself
as something of our own yet not our
own -
a blaze of trust, the oneness made of two;
the ornament and lodestar of the crown.

This is the poem read by Dame Judi Dench for Queen Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh's 60th Wedding Anniversary. Sixty years... whoa!

*****

I thinking of changing my blog template and name again because I'm bored. I just don't want to go home yet. We'll see.

*****

I went to Libis today and got my clearance almost done. I need to go back either tomorrow or Thursday to get the final sigs. It's funny how different the world of Libis and the world of UST can be. I feel like I have split lives. Hmm... Not in the mood to be too deep. Later na lang.

Doing Something

2007-11-19T12:33:00.000+08:00

I am looking for ways to make use of this blog in a more useful way. Of course, it is primarily for my own enjoyment, writing my thoughts and opinions on particular topics and events in my life. But I want to do more, give more. I may be just an insignificant college junior in the middle of the Philippines, but the Internet has become so powerful and I believe that I must maximize the chance to do something meaninful to make a change in my own simple way.

We only live once, so I suggest we do the most of it.
Do something in saving the world.
It is for our own good.

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SAVE THE DOLPHINS!
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YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL CONTEST
(Donate to the RJA Foundation and win $1000!)

*****

I am going to look for more ways into making use of my blog to make a small difference, but a difference nonetheless. But for now, I need to head home. I'm going to eTel tomorrow to fix my paperwork and clearance. Then off to look for a part time job. I've been enjoying more than two weeks of freedom, being jobless. It's time to work by ass off. Again.

Note to self: Need to set up Christmas decorations ASAP.
*****

Happy Holidays y'all!!!

I've Never Been

2007-11-18T17:13:00.000+08:00

In the past nineteen years of my existence in this world, I've been a lot of things --- some permanently, some artificially and some I wish would either be permanently or just for the moment.

For example, I'm going to be the eldest sister, the eldest cousin, the eldest grandchild on both sides, and yes there were times that I daydreamed of having an older sister or brother, but generally, I like being the leader, by birth right.

I was also Paula Obmerga's best friend way back in second grade. Together with Aliza Reyes, Kamille Lecio, and Kirsty Garcia, we completed the dangerous group of nine-year olds called "PBA Double K" (Actually, we never really called ourselves that. My mom created it for fun...) who would kick the bags of the boys in our class as a form of revenge. We'd usually do this during recess and lunch time, so no one would know and we'd kick the hell out of those poor bags, while cursing our heads off. It was a liberating experience, although I must admit that there was a time that I thought my being a "bad girl" had caused my dad's death. Stupid, I know. Anyway, Paula and I 'broke off' our friendship when she chose Sherry and Mary Joyce over me. The rest of the group just didn't stick, probably because after that summer, nothing was the same for me... The Summer of 1998. It's a completely different story.

Moving on, there are somethings that I am right now, that I wish would change. The one thing I can think off now is the fact that I'd be an orphan for the rest of my life, with my dad gone. I can't change that, much as I want to. In this case, something I want turns to be not necessarily something I need, or so fate or God or whatever Higher Being there is watching over me, thinks so.

Speaking of faith, I am currently 'unsure' of mine. I believe in God; I know He exists. I just don't feel like I completely trust in Him. Too many questions, too many heartaches, I guess. Hopefully, I can get back on track, although I doubt it'll be happenning soon enough.

All these, and many more, define me and my being, either for forever or just for the meantime. But one big thing, at least from where I see it, that I've never been, is to be someone's girlfriend, in the true sense of the word.

Heck I don't even know what it truly means, or entails. The duties of a good girlfriend and all that. I don't know the feeling, although I've been hurt, before.

I like to think that Ranel Keyser wasn't a mistake, although I did think of him that way, because of the hurt. I was like a walking rock, feeling hollow and empty and in daze. I wasn't enjoying the moment, and that was just not me. My dad's sudden death had taught me never to take the moment for granted, ever. But because of the embarrasment, the disappointment, of not being cared for in return was too much for my young heart, I was just... nothing. Sometimes I wonder how I got through it. I really don't remember. Nevertheless, I thank God I'm through with that.

There's no real reason why I'm still single. I just don't see the point on crying over something I really do not want, not just for the sake of having it, so I can say that I had. I didn't wait this long to just get a fling, or a meaningless relationship. I deserve better.

I want to think that all these time, all these waiting had been for my own good and for that person who'd be my first love. I'd like to believe that relationships, the serious kind, is not a matter of completing someone, rather complementing that person's, er, shortcomings. Or maybe the words should be 'missing features', things that he might not be so good in, and vice versa. It's important for me to remember that I have been a complete person before I met him, so if I do lose him, I wouldn't be losing myself as well. I know, it's idealistic of me, Miss No BF since Birth, but then again, at least I know what I want, right? And think it means a lot of sense.

I've been waiting my whole life for him, and I surely can and would wait to get the quality guy that I know is waiting for me as I am for him. It really isn't about the quantity, but the effort that you give into the relationship that you have. Like for instance, I have a number of friends that I completely trust with my life. They may be few, but at least I know what I have with them is long lasting. At least I hope so.

Yes, I've never been someone's girlfriend. But that doesn't mean I will never be.

*****

Welcome to the Christian World Carlito Flores, my first ever inaanak!

Make your Ninang proud!

*****

I saw him today. He looked good. Diane and Mae, my new, ahem, kumares, were all for his older cousin, so I had him for myself. Wonder if he's single? I wonder if he remembers our childish games in the canteen during lunch. I wonder if I was that obvious that I had crush on him, and what that knowledge made him feel... Too many questions, so little time...

To my former service mate, my street mate, my kinakapatid (I think)...

To WP, my lifelong crush.

*****

"One More Chance" starring Bea Alonzo and John Lloyd Cruz, NOW SHOWING!
Para sa mga in love, na in- love at gusto ma in love... RATE: 3 laughs, 4 hearts = 5 stars

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!!

*****

DISCLAIMER: The names mentioned in this article are of real people in my life. Their existence had made me who I am today, so if there were some negativity in my choice of words, I apologize. I mean no negativity on their being and I am actually thankful for them.

Bored

2007-11-16T12:47:00.000+08:00

I feel like trying something new, something different. A week ago, I think, a relative made a comment about Boji joining the PNP, just because Mama and Papa told him that Boji wants to join the PMA. For my brother, the two are very different, with the former being a tad bit negative. Anyways, the idea of joining the PNP made me think. What if I do that? So I checked their website, and found out that I'd have to wait two more years to be able to pass the application. Oh well. I'm just being my impeteous self.

I went to rent PC even after spending way too much during lunch, because I got the orders incorrect. I just want to relax, play a bit and not think about the things I need to do namely:

laundry - I'll do this later.
review for Q#1 in Theology on Monday.
get my clearance
get my paycheck - It turns out that I need to be cleared first to get it. Hay.
get my patch embroidered (Php170!!!)
count the money I have left for next week
make the final copy of my biodata/ resume
get my id back so I wont have to rent PC anymore
get a part time job

No I don't want to think about that now. So am off to Neopets to enjoy myself...

Spiced Up

2007-11-15T17:33:00.000+08:00

Thirty minutes left. I wasn't planning anything when I went to rent PC today, just a chance to relax and enjoy myself. I'm trying not to be too alarmed that my pay hasn't come through yet and it's already the 15th. I should have my pay today, and I need it, badly, but for whatever reason my account is still empty.It is very alarming. I'm gonna check again before I go home.

Anyway, in my attempt to forget my problem for the mean time, I played with youtube and got into researching the history of the Spice Girls. I remembered, I was in my elementary days then and they were so hot, that I onced sang "Who Do U Think U R" with some of the kids in the village when Mayor BF came to LCV. I think he gave us 100 each. Hmm.
I love that they are reunited and I love their new song and I love that they are now full grown women--- mothers --- and yet they still make beautiful music together. I told mom that if ever they get to visit the Philippines, I'll make sure I'm there.

Anyway, I'm so spiced up, I think I'm going to modify my Friendster and put the girls in the background....

Pissed

2007-11-13T16:38:00.000+08:00

Nandito ako ngayon sa suki kong rent shop. Tuesday so walang pasok. Went to Libis earlier to get my clearance. Hindi pala siya ganoon kadali. Madami pang kailangan gawin. Shit.

*****

ID was confiscated yesterday, because my new uniform doesn't have a crest as it should. Which is why I am renting PC instead of enjoying my free Internet in the lib. SHIT.

*****

Pinapabayaran ng lolo kong kuripot ang kuryente, at 1T lang daw ang share niya, even if THEY are the ones using ac all night, every night. Since mom's paycheck wouldn't be coming out by Thursday (as mine), I would have to either get the saved money for my bank account OR withdraw directly from that account, which I do not want to do. SHIT SHIT.

*****

Saw Chelle yesterday. Had lunch at KFC. Found out how nasty the people I thought were my friends truly were. SHIT HEADS.

*****

Money is slowly fading. I'm terrified. I don't think I can bear being poor again. Need a job asap. WAH.

*****

i NEED a BREAK.

Out of Sync

2007-11-09T11:34:00.000+08:00

Hanggang maari iniiwasan kong sumulat sa Filipino. Mas sanay ako na mag-English, malamang dahil sa mga sumusunod:

Lahat ng binabasa ko ay English.
Halos lahat ng pinapanood ko ay English. (American TV shows).

Hindi naman sa ikinahihiya ko ang sarili kong wika, talagang hindi lang ako sanay. Nahihirapan akong magsalita ng Filipino ng hindi nagbabangit ng salitang English. I think they call it codemixing or codeswitching. As much as possible I avoid doing that, and I get annoyed by "kolehiyalas" who actively speak in the 'taglish' form. Kung magTatagalog ka, magTagalog ka na nang maayos! I'd rather hear someone having a jumpy English, or Kalabaw English as some refer to it. At least they are giving effort in speaking in the second languange. Hindi mo man maiiwasan maghalo ng Filipino at English, pero huwag mo naman sadyain dahil lang iniisip mo na cute ka, kasi hindi.

*****

I deleted all my accounts in TeenTalk, partly because both of them had been stagnant since I signed up and partly because I do not feel like I still belong in that bracket. Sure I'm only nineteen, but the topics that I would like to talk about aren't something "kids" (i.e. ages 12- 17) would be interested in or know anything about, for that matter.

So now I'm signing up in GIRLTalk, which is in femalenetwork.com. My UN is simply my first name. Hopefully I'd get to meet cyberbuddies in this new forum of mine.

+ A little bit history: I've been a TeenTalker since I was 14. Been on and off in posting. I also have an inactive account in witchmag.com.ph. I can't delete it since I can't remember the password and I have no time in getting to it. Oh well. +

******

Mom and I had a disagreement earlier. There are times that I just can't stand her and her not-so-smart questions. I'm not goint to divulge the whole conversation, I'm just going to say that it ended up me walking off and not getting my breakfast. I've eaten now, with Mimi, Aileen and their co-majors. I'll be off home by 1 PM so I have like 30mins left. She hasn't texted me and I'm not planning to text her either. And that's that.

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I feel like I'm a stranger amongst my former co-majors. I feel out of sync with them, like we didn't have a complete year together. I'm more comfortable with Mimi and the other Science majors. I guess I'm just feeling this because I am again stuck with no plan in the future. All my plans are for the long-term: graduating, passing the board, getting a job, teaching for at least five yrs in a high school, taking my masteral to become a professor and so on. What I'm going to do next semester, I have no idea.

******

Okay so its raining outside according to RX. I'm listening to radio on my cellphone, while blogging my afternoon away in the Internet Station in UST Lib. I think the reason why my fingers hurt because I write and type so much...

******

My brother has been absent for two days, second day today. He'd been suffering from headache and sore throat since Wednesday. I'm not sure how this would affect his ROTC training (he's a 2nd lt already) and he's need to get Math101 this semester. Well see.

******

I'm going to post my life story. Wala lang, gusto ko lang.

I borrowed Coraline by Neil Gaiman. Started reading it yesterday, but was too busy taking care of my brother. Will write my review soon.

The Road to Hell

2007-11-07T13:42:00.000+08:00

Your sin has been measured. You have committed many sins, but Pride is the mortal sin that has done you in. Just below, discover your full sinful breakdown and learn what it is about you that codemns you to hell.

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very High
Lust:	High
Pride:	Very High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

*****

Okay so I'm not sure how this would help me become a better person, but hey its fun. Pinoyblogger.com has a lot of blogs that has a lot of add ons. Since my blog looks a tad bit boring, maybe add ons can make it more... interesting. Haha.

*****

Better get going.

At Last

2007-11-07T13:00:00.000+08:00

At Last I am back to school, in safe confines of my, ahem, second home. Pardon me from sounding cheesy, but I just feel so me again. For a few months this year I felt like I was losing my sense of identity but being a student had always made me feel in control.

At Last my blog is in full force again. A new cool lay out that I had modified. One day I'd be able to make my own template but for the meantime, my thanks to BlogSkins.com for hosting talented template creators.

At Last I am doing something I really really want to do.

*****
I'm just waiting for the library assistants to call on me and tell me that I've exceeded my one-hour privelage. They rarely do that here in the Social Science department, unless there's a lot of students piling up to use the PC. Wala namang nakapila but you never know.

Fang Mi, Aileen and some of their co-majors accompanied me to an early lunch, late breakfast today at Ate Eva's. I had tapa, but I guess its not enough because I feel hungry again. I've been in the library for three hours now, my class ending at ten. I don't want to go home yet, since I wouldn't have school tomorrow anyway. The plan was to go to ICT tomorrow to get my interview, but Chelle, who I saw today with my former co-majors (They are bound to graduate earlier than me since I am going to be still, a year late.) told me it's better to get my clearance first. So off to Libis tomorrow, I guess. We'll see.

I'm done with the first HW I've had since I stopped last semester, in PGC. Thankfully, Mimi's bf has a copy of the textbook my professor will be using, so I can borrow that. Saves me some bucks.

I'm thinking of getting Taco Bell... better let my hunger spread out more, so that burrito wouldn't make me feel like I'm about to burst. I'm not sure if I have the budget though. I'm trying to go back to the 100/day system I'd been used too since high school. Gonna be a bit difficult though.

Truth be told I am missing my job. I miss the surprises, the great feeling of being able to help person who's on the other side of the globe. But I'm glad its all over. I hated the feeling of not wanting to get up even after I had 8 hours of sleep or more. I only had less than 6 hours today but I was so eager to get up and go to school. See the difference? And I do not miss the feeling of counting every passing minute of my "freedom". Thank God I'm done with that.

*****
School is the same, yet its different. A number of times in my life I've felt like this, like the familiar is still the same yet some parts of it isn't that familiar anymore. I'm not yet so sure if that's a good thing. But then again, mom always says that change makes it more colorful, more enjoyable. Again, we'll see.

I've already met some of my new classmates in the two subjects I took. In SCL 3 the prof was a no show, so I chatted up PE major Jo (who was the one who actually approached me) and the shifter boys, Jelo and Rico. Jelo, I remembered, was my classmate in Social Dance. He was really good. He's from CFAD, now a BSE freshman, planning to major in English. Rico was from Commerce, planning to major in Science. Hopefully, being an irregular student would make it easier with them around...

In the other class Mimi introduced me to her PE friend Danielle. I think she's shy. I did meet Andrew, a FT sophomore. I also found out that my former EJ ka- department Ivana, is in the same class. So at least I'm not all alone.

*****
I need to talk to Chelle. Some things need to be explained to me...

*****
I think blogger.com just shut down... Oh now. Sayang naman itong post na ito!

I hate myself.

2007-11-06T17:00:00.000+08:00

Actually I hate Firefox. I hate that they have tabs so when you accidentally close a whole page, who also close all the other applications that you've been working on for over two hours now! Argh!
For some reason my blog template now, wouldn't work. I love it but it wouldn't open so I went to blogskins.com, which is great, and I'm taking the highest rated one since its cool. I' already modified it and now I need to do it all over again because of this stupid program.

I've been out of the house renting PC for over three hours now, I think. Mama and Papa are at home, snoozing. I had to spend the early part of today with them, making me realize that they are old. Ha.

I now only have 30 minutes to save myself. Maybe I can just upload the template code here and do all this again tomorrow in the UST Library, where Internet is free. Hmm. Maybe I should've thought of that earlier. Oh well. Need to email mom my resume.

Later.

Five Minutes

2007-11-01T07:22:00.000+08:00

Now I rarely write two entries on the same day, but today has proved to be too long. I'm still at work, with five minutes left with my lunch break. I didn't eat lunch since I'm not starving and since I was planning to get some shut eye, which I didn't do and haven't done for over 12 hours now. I so so wish I'm anywhere else but here. But no choice. I need to stay here for two more days after this shift. Admittedly I am contemplating not going in this Saturday, once everything is settled with my paperwork. We'll see.

*****

Been reading J. Moore's novel. It's keeping me awake, at the same time sleepy.

*****

I need to talk to TL. I just haven't gotten the chance. Note to self: Check account balance later to see if I can treat my teammates tomorrow. Most of them would be going on off on Saturday.

*****

My eyes are already dropping...

Keyword: Hopefully

2007-11-01T00:44:00.000+08:00

It's quarter to 1 in the morning and I'm already at the office. I came in a early than usual para hindi na atakihin ng katam... katamaran. I plan to get some shut eye after posting even for just two hours. Hopefully there'd be a VTO or something since it is Halloween in the US.

Anyways, my stupid Outlook isn't working, being bombarded with over a hundred emails which isn't actually surprising since I've been absent for six days straight. I really need to check my email to get updated since I still have until Saturday to get my butt to work. After that, F-R-E-E-D-O-M!

Things to do before Saturday:

Write farewell email for wavemates, teammates et al.
Get work clearance. *Would have to ask TL how to go about that.
Enjoy my last days of being an RCI Guide. Hopefully in these last days I can be at least a little bit productive, if not for me but for my team's sake. We can always hope...

I am really looking forward in ending my stay here in eTelecare. I loved it while it lasted, but I'm done. Wala ng makakapag-alis sa akin ng mga alaala ko sa kumpanyang ito, but I miss school so much to the point that I am hating my job, which isn't how I want to end my stay here. The people I've met, the things I've learned, the mere experience of being a call center agent --- these have all been a great, GREAT gift that no one can ever take away from me... Now, forgive me from sounding sappy. I'm just not that good in ending chapters. Particularly short-lived ones.

After Saturday, I wouldn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to get ready for work. I wouldn't have to be eating "lunch" when normal people are just about to get their breakfast. Being nocturnal has been 'fun', but I found out that it just isn't for me. Now, I might get another call center job, but only this time it'll only be for part time. Since I only have 2 subjects this semester (since my beloved grandfather only gave me 10T to get myself enrolled) I have time to get a job, or two, depending on my luck and attitude. Wish me luck...

School starts Nov. 6 but since my classes are only MWF, 8-10 AM, I have a really long awaiting me after my last shift ends. Hay.. bliss.

*****
I miss Dawn and Toni. I wish they were still here. We were the tight trio from the beginning. They made my sudden transition from being a studious pupil into a full time working girl much much easier, and a heck of an adventure. I haven't seen Toni since we had our lunch in Fazoli's. (Note: Mom and I ate late dinner there earlier. Too bad they were out of the Bacon Cheeseburger pizza, the one that I wanted mom to taste. Oh well.)

Dawn and I had a serious talk the last Friday she came in. Then, I was urging her to come to work for her trial, but I guess even then I knew that she wouldn't be coming in. I have no idea what her plans are. Our situations are very different.

These two people I plan to keep in touch with for sure.

*****

It's precisely 1.06 AM. I'm sleepy. Been reading the novel I impulsively bought from NBS. Jane Moore's "Love @ First Site". Would have to remember to write a review when I'm done.

Two more days of this and I'm out. Better make it memorable, at least.

Going AWOL

2007-10-25T12:49:00.000+08:00

I'm in my mom's office right now in the Philippine Ports Authority head office. The people here are snoozing off the after, and I'm taking the chance to get some free blogging time. I didn't go to work today, obviously. I practically begged mom not to make me go. But she said that since this is my first job, it would be much better if I made a polite exit. So I called TL and asked her if I can go about getting an immidiate resignation. My job will be over and done with by November 1, All Soul's Day. I'm not sure if I'd still be going to work then, since the enrollment will be on the 30 to the 31st of this month. Boji's will be this Sunday, the 29th. Papa would be withdrawing a huge chunk of cash this weekend..
*****
Speaking of my beloved grandfather, he erupted today when the paperwork about the house couldn't be found. Mom says he was just acting it; nevertheless, it made me a bit jumpy. I am not used to a man yelling. Boji can be harsh sometimes, but when we fight, I'm usually the one who is shouting. And mom, well, she's the only parent I was able to see really angry. And it wasn't a good sight.
Mom cried out of frustration. She isn't feeling well, having helped Boji get the stuff he needs for their event today. Table setting something? He's about to be inducted as an officer... The trainees are now just three (starting from the original 27 hopefuls) and my baby brother is acting as their leader. He celebrated his birthday yesterday with the nonstop downpour and a long list of to-do.
I'm just glad he's taking on his responsibilities much more focused.
*****
I'd be going to UST after this, after I wake mom up. I need to process my returning this sem, then I'd have to go home and get some sleep so I can go to work tomorrow and present the letter of resignation to TL. I'd go from there I guess.
*****
Five more days and I'd be free from my first job... However productive and helpful it had been, financially and socially-speaking, I'm glad I'm done... Schoolwork! I'm back!!!

Jumble

2007-10-24T12:05:00.000+08:00

A lot of stuff needs to be written and I only have a limited amount of time. It feels as if I'm on a major turning point in my young life again. I guess I am just being my dramatic self. But really, there's a lot of changes that is about to happen. And weirdly enough, these changes will bring me back to what was normal for me, before I ever started earning money and being an "adult".

But before I go on let me start from the beginning... (My writer's soul just can't go on telling a story without being organized with the deets.)

Fang Mi, Aileen and I met up last Monday in SM San Lazaro and went on to watch "Stardust" starring Claire Danes, Robert DeNiro, Michelle Pfieffer and newcomer Charlie Cox who is btw, so hot. I've read the original book version written by Neil Gaiman, and I loved how magical it was and yet it was realistic. It was human and adult even if it was filled with magic. I'm grateful that stories like it still exist --- makes me remember that getting old doesn't have to be synonymous to losing faith in magic and fairytales. I highly recommend the movie, whether or not you've read the book (although it would be better to read it first then watch it, but it's up to you...)

As usual, the time I've spent with my friends seemed just too short. I missed them, I missed schoolwork, I missed school life.. and I hated my job.

I just couldn't bear it so I confided with my brother (who is actually celebrating his 17th birthday today!) and he suggested that I should just go back. So I talked with mom and my grandparents, who'd be the major source of money for my and Boj's tuition fee and now I've just gotten back from UST. I'd be going back tomorrow after work for more info on going about enrolling a semester late. It'd be a challenge to be an irregular student, but at least I'm only irregular because I stopped to help in the finances. I take pride that in the last six months I've been productive.

I already told my TL about my plans of ending my eTelecare days. My contract ends November 8, and I'm resigning November 10. Problem is, school starts November 5, so I have no idea how I'd manage them both. Oh well. One step at a time. I'm already absent today. I'd probably be absent next Tuesday for enrollment. Hay.

*****

Even if I know it'll be a lot of work, I'm excited to go back to "normal". I can't wait. I'm actually tempted on going AWOL like Toni and Dawn, who didn't show up yesterday for her trial. Hay. But I already told my TL that I don't want a bad record with eTel. Besides if I'm going to take a part time job while in school, I'd also be using the six months experience I had with eTel as a reference. So I would have to juggle school and work for the next few more days.

*****

Aside from all these life decisions, I found out the answer of this big ugly question I had since my dad died. It surprised me and at the same time made me realize that God never meant to hurt me. In fact, He had protected me. I just wished I knew. I just wished I could've taken care of my dad as well...

Cryptic enough? ;p

*****

I'm gonna go and play with my profile in Friendster again. Probably would visit Neopets as well. Take care.

*****

I wonder why people seem to be changing as they grow older... for example, before she never liked getting her picture taken... and now I see her with her new best friend, and even if I'm happy for her (truly I am), I can't help but get hurt... and wonder... *sigh

The Old and the New

2007-10-21T17:28:00.000+08:00

I was contemplating on deleting my blog in Blogspot, but then I realized that I've been using it since December last year, so it would just be a waste of cyber "space" to just delete it. So I'm still undecided if I'm going to keep both accounts and paste the same posts on both. Hmmm.
The reason why I never liked Friendster blogs is because there's no freedom in making it your own. And I didn't learn the basics of HTML for nothing, y'know! Also, before when I had to go to UST library to get my daily dose of Internet use, Friendster is blocked. So I could only blog using the usual blog sites. LJ never worked for me. Too many steps before the main blogging part. Blogdrive, before was just boring. They have new things there now. Xanga was also boring, but the rings were fun. Diaryland is for kids, although it is cute. So Blogspot or Blogger was the best option. It is the longest running blog that I had, even if I haven't posted on it for more than a month now, having set up my blog in Friendster.
It doesn't matter to me if my blog's being read or not. This is my stress-buster, not my way of getting attention. I can get that easily, haha. Seriously, I just don't know if I can maintain both blogs at the same time. And now that I've just played with my Blogger template, I'm leaning into keeping that one instead.
Oh well. Abangan ang susunod na kabanata.
******
I went to work last night from 11 PM to 6 AM to help out in the Workstation Warlah decorations. 5K's at stake and TL Mitch is hoping we could win so we could use it for a team outing or something. I think we're the most creative team, and everyone would agree that we deserve an A for the effort. I love that I'm getting the chance to be creative. I'm sooo bored with my job. Once again I'm caught in the web of something I need (ie MONEY) and something I want (ie GO BACK TO SCHOOL, among other things). Anyways, final touches should be made by tonight, which is why I was willing to give up one of my nights off. On Tuesday, the OMs would be doing the judging and TL would pull me out of the phone (yey!) to do the presentation. Oh, and btw, our new team name is MAUI. I made grass skirts for dolls and tress from cups and straws. It should be from recycleable materials, although many teams opted to buy theirs... Hmm.
Now, Tuesday would be a BIG Day. Aside from the Warlah Judging, it is also Dawn's judgment day. A little dramatic there I know, but I'm scared for her --- and for me. If they (whoever they will be) decide not to give Dawn a second chance, she'd be gone. And I wouldn't have anyone left. Toni already went on AWOL after just two months. I'm not sure if I can stay for 6 more months alone. Cross fingers.
Lastly, Tuesday might be the early birthday celebration for my brother's 17th birthday. Dunno what's gonna happen. *shrugs.

I'm also going to UST tomorrow. Yey!
*****
Less than an hour more for me. I'm gonna play with my profile now, and I think I'm gonna watch Britney's performance in VMA. Delayed info...
*****
I don't go to church but I would like to pray for the souls of the departed on the 1019's bombing of G2. I've never even been there. God lead their souls, and also the ones they have left behind....

Undeserving

2007-09-06T09:08:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure what it is but I seem to be getting all the things I want this month. *even if God knows I don't deserve it...

I finally got my hair straightened out/ rebonded last Sunday. It was by far the best way to spend my first night off. It was a thousand bucks, but oh so worth it. Now my hair's soft and smooth.
I also got to buy myself a new cellphone. The fact that its only a N2310 and that it doesn't have a camera doesn't matter because I got to buy myself something from the money and the hours I've been giving to work this past four months. Makes me feel that even if I hate my job, at least I'm being productive.
I got the shift schedule I wanted. So now no more evening shift for me because I'd be @ work from Tuesday-Saturday, 3AM - 12 PM! Oooh yeah!

Now all I have to do is let the next two months go by, save up so I can buy a DVD player, start my own bank account and save up for my return to school next year. Believe it or not its easier said than done.

Am at work right now and you don't know how much I was anywhere but here. I miss going to school. If ever my TL approaches me and tells me I'm being terminated because I've been not so good as an agent or as a guide, production and attitude wise, I'll walk out of this company with a smile because finally I'm freed. Don't get me wrong, I'm nice on the phone, but c'mon! Being in a call center is NOT my lifelong dream. It is NOT what I want to do for the rest of my life. So I'm just using this experience and for the positive effect it has on my finances. But other than that, no more.

+++++

Am on break now. TL isn't here so I'm not stressed out. You know, its not actually being on the phone and having to speak in my second language to strangers in the other side of the globe all day that pisses me off. Its the fact that I know that every small act is being monitored and I'm being watched. The production goals, the expectations --- its stressful and it makes the fun of being able to book vacations a big fat ARGH!

+++++

I'm so not doing good this week. I'm not in the mood. I know I'd regret it. Oh well.

+++++

Cheerdance will be next Saturday! Go SDT!

High School Musical 2 primier's Sunday!

PBB Season 3 and Teen Edition Season 2 auditions starts Sunday as well... who knows, I may be famous this time next year... It's free to dream..

+++++

Off to get hot choco!

Four Day Weekend

2007-08-31T07:43:00.000+08:00

@ Work right now. No calls, thank God. Funny how boring it can be to answer the phone for eight hours, five days a week.
+++
Signed up for a reschedule next week, so I'd be enjoying my four day weekend right after today's shift up until Tuesday... Thinking about it makes me all gooey. I can finally go swimming, set up my bank account, fix my pre-employment requirements, fix my room and my closet and get some sleep!
Sweeet!
+++
Not in the mood to blog... on last break... ;]

Am Sleepy

2007-08-28T02:57:00.001+08:00

Am at work now, Tuesday shift about to start in 3 minutes. Need to produce years today! Regret watching Jack Black's "Nacho Libre". Should have slept instead. But really wanted to hang around with my brother. Oh well, two more VCDs to watch till Thursday.
+++
Commish is IN at last!
+++
VTO!!!!
+++
Last one minute... Later.

On Break

2007-08-26T23:33:00.000+08:00

I'm at work now, on my first break. Already have two cfs, one pending sb. No years yet. Sorry if you don't get the Speedway register. It's a call center thing. :]

+++

After finishing my PC renting time, I went to check my ATM only to find that the commish hasn't been deposited yet. Now I found out that it won't come until Aug 29, which they keep saying to be a Tuesday, when I see that its a Wednesday. Would have to ask my TL about that...

Still have 1000 left, but would really, really need the commish ASAP. Mom needs to pay Boji's tuition by Tuesday. Hopefully, it will rain money... *one can always dream...

+++

Eight minutes into my break... Would have to get 3 more cfs, 3 more sbs and at least 5 yrs to get coaching today, and then go on VTO perhaps, if its avail. I don't really feel like going home, becauase I really want to get my stats back up. It sadly went into a nosedive last week, which would make it my first ever decrease in production after two months of taking in calls. :[

+++

Anyways, I was finally able to rent "The Notebook" VCD from ACA. Absolutely love Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. "The Notebook" is by far the most romantic movie I've ever watched. I also got to watch "She's the Man" starring Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum (who played Jason Lyle in the flick "Coach Carter", I realized today). Over all my weekend was great.

+++

UST won over NU earlier. Sweet! Next will be a rematch with ADMU, scheduled 4PM on Thursday. Won't missed that for sure.

Remembered I needed to check when would the Cheerdance be... Might be able to watch it live for the first time! Ha!

+++

Last two minutes of break... Wish me a productive shift! :]

Thankful

2007-08-25T17:23:00.000+08:00

I had the best time yesterday. After shift, I decided its better to go with Dawn and my other workmates to Cubao and take a ride from there to UST, even if it was early. Told mom I'd do some checking around in Gateway to pass some time, even debating on catching a movie or not. Glad I decided against it.
+++
Mom texted me that she needs me to process my brother's promisory note for Prelims starting Wednesday. I wasn't sure if they'd allow me but since I had two hours to make do, I relented. It turned out that Boji would have to process it by Tuesday morning, which can be a problem because mom can only raise 5T and we need to pay 6250. I'll try to give my share... Its commission day today anyway, so the money might me in the ATM already. Or it might come by Monday. We'll see.
+++
I had to make a detour to my brother's building because I forgot to put the birthday cards I had prepared for Chelle and Aileen. My God, Boji's building is so tall. I never particularly liked the Medicine building, it being so tall and humongous. Anyway, in payment for his bringing the cards, I brought cinnamon roll from Goldilocks, but my beloved brother said he needed cash, so I gave him additional 100.
+++
By then I was getting worried that I won't have enough money to pay for our celebration. So I withdrew 5H from my ATM and met up with my friends at the Educ Pav. We had KFC Fully Loaded meals, and three packs of french fries. I was willing to splurge because it was my celebration.
I got a bag from Mimi, a wrislet and earring from Gef, a new planner and earrings from Aileen. *I lost my old planner which is why I'm absolutely loving Aileen's gift. BTW, Boji also had a gift in a form of a simple letter that turned me into mush...
Chelle and Lloyd were also present. Javi was AWOL *hmp*, and Oliver sadly couldn't come because he had duty as a scholar.
+++
We had a great time, eating, talking. Afterwards, Lloyd had to go to a meeting, being the UST Pax Romana president. Gef and Aileen also had to go home, while Mimi had to go to her tutoring job. Chelle and I decided to take the Recto route, since it looked like it was about to rain. We got into talking about school and how hard it is for her. I know she can get through whatever she's going through now... I did. And now I'm stronger for it.
+++
I thought when I got off the LRT Katipunan station that its going to be a long way home, then I turned my head and there was my best friend Mika, with her younger sister Alex. Again a lot of talking ang sharing. I missed Mika. We've known each other since we were in Kindergarten. She had been the one constant friend I had all these years.
+++
When I got home, I couldn't help but smile at the idea of having all these people as my friends. To think that seven years ago I was contemplating suicide after feeling like I'm so alone.
I'm so done with that...
And yet, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Anna.
+++
I guess what hurts is that even if I know I have all this friends, the fact is, I lost one before because of pride and jealousy. And I could never be able to get her back because... well, because.
+++
So the lesson today: BE THANKFUL OF THE PRESENT. Time travel is still a far-off fictional dream, so cherish what you've got NOW!
+++
Peace out!
+++

Officially ended my account in TeenTalk and WitchmagPH.

Till next time.

On Being a Grown Up

2007-08-24T11:02:00.000+08:00

One word friends --- it's excruciating. To be a grown up means A LOT of things, while meaning one single thing all at the same time. Being a "grown up" means being biologically ready to well, procreate. Being a "grown up" would also being being responsible to what you, well, create. Being a "grown up" also means being ready to take challenges that will, eventually, help you progress in the future. It would also mean that you have to face the consequences of your actions if ever you fail.

It's all excruciatingly challenging, the freedom and the restraints of being a full-fledge, ahem, woman.

Not that I'm complaining. I take pride that at 18/ 19 I'm earning my own money. It's just that there are times that I miss being the kid. I miss not having to do anything else than complain about school projects and quizzes and worrying about my baon for the day, if its enough for me to get home... I miss it and then I get this weird feeling of, OMG, contentment. Because, truth be told, I like where I am now. I wouldn't stay if I didn't. And it makes me scared that being content, familiarizing with the ropes of this world I am now in, because of a sudden change of plans last summer, that I might not be able to go back to my original destination.

Well, where I thought I was supposed to be in the end anyway.

When I think about being a teacher, I get all warm and homey and safe. I know its what I'm meant to be. Financially speaking, yeah, this job is very, very productive. Yet I just don't get that feeling of triumph in it. Not yet.

I guess thinking that I might, in the long run, get there is what's scaring me. I'm not sure that if I do get there, would that mean that I'm not going to that other road I've always thought that is for me?

Complications... nothing but complications, Beryl. Way to go have yourself a headache!

♥

It's Friday thank God and I'm on VTO. Third time this week which, I am hoping, would save me from having such a low production this week.

♥

I'm going to UST later this afternoon to treat Rochelle, Gefreliz, Fang Mi, Aileen, Javi, and Lloyd and Oliver (if they come) to lunch at KFC, as a belated celebration of my 19th birthday last Monday, and as an advance celebration of Ai's 19th tomorrow and Chelle's 20th on Sunday. Hoping to get destressed when I see my friends. The last time I was there, I got all teary-eyed for missing school. Perhaps this is what I need to get a better perspective on what I truly want to do with my life... *cross fingers*

♥

It's funny. When I was 12 I was so sure what I will do... I'm going to meet the boy of my dreams whose name is Brandon and he'll be perfect... He and I will graduate and get our jobs and get married and he will propose to me by the beach and he'll be my first everything...

Now, at 19, I'm not sure if Brandon still exists, if he ever truly did... I'm not sure if I'll ever graduate and get a real job, one that I would love... I'm not sure if anyone, if not Brandon, would ever see me... All I know is that I'm filled with questions... Wondering when will I get them answered...

♥

Bought Witch 63 yesterday!

It's Php95 already!

OMG!

Love Irma and Joel though... ;p

2007-07-20T07:25:00.000+08:00

Last five minutes of my lunch break. Am slowly trying to accept that my job is pretty boring. Money is just not the best source of motivation. Money is very easy in this line of work, you just have to be very good in selling and in speaking in English. My once strong confidence in the language has been repeatedly questioned, by myself, because some Americans can be either so slow to understand my 'accent' or just doesn't want to listen at all. Racist, the rotten pack of them.

I would have to admit, as I check the clock on my PC to see that I now have 3 minutes left before I go back to the phone, that for the first two weeks of work, I felt inferior. Its stupid I know, so now I'm trying to see it in a different way.

A new perspective is all I need.

And production, to get commission.

************

Its Friday, Toni's 22nd birthday, and the last day of this weeks shift. Looooove it. Would enjoy my weekend to the max, mostly sleeping.

***********

Really want to watch a movie! Not yet sure if I'm to use my ticket though. HP5 anyone?

***********

Last minute of freedom. Later.

2007-07-07T03:44:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired....

I'm at work right now and I couldn't begin to tell you how much I wish I wasn't here...

I'd rather be anywhere than here, but here I am alright, giving away my Saturday off to get a movie ticket and earn. I'm so not delivering to my potentials. It sucks. I just can't seem to find the drive to work. It just doesn't make sense to work for money. There's to pride in it. No motivational whatever; nothing. But I'm tied to this because of my contract and because I've got nothing else better to do anyway.

I miss school. Soooo much.

******

Shift starts 4:30 and ends 11 AM. What sucks is I can't help but wish the time to pass by, which means I'm not enjoying every minute I have alive. I want to engulf myself at home, in the protection of mom and my brother and not be bothered by expectations and questions and responsibilities and spiffs and all those adult stuff I never even knew existed.

PFFT!

I guess being a working girl isn't as a great and glamorous as it once sound... I want to be a school girl again...

2007-06-18T04:28:00.000+08:00

On forced petics mode, even if I'd rather take in calls. Indy wouldn't allow us though; since it's Sunday, kaunti lang ang calls, and we already have to share the call flow with other offices. Besides, the coaches are busy with the other wave's 1st SA. So, here I am. Being paid for doing nothing.

It sucks, actually.

We started taking in calls last Thursday, right after the memorable SA4 (at least memorable for me, he3) . Now I have 2 CFs and a pending SB. I would've gotten 3 CFs if only that old lady from the second day didn't cancel... oh well.

*****

Bad news of the week: Mr. Achacoso is married. Hay! Mananatili na lamang akong isang taga-hanga... Hay!

*****

I'm feeling a bit insecure today. Dunno why really. I never really cared if someone else is tagged as the "prettiest". Looks has always been the least in my list of achievements; I'd rather be known as the smartest any day. But I guess it's just normal, when you lose another crush. Oh well... I'd just have to deal.

*****

Planned to go to UST today, but moved on Friday. I thought walang pasok ngayon. Mali pala. ;

*****

Finished reading Cecelia Ahern's If You Could See Me Now and am giving it a 5 star rating. Was teary eyed all the way to the end, even if I never really had an imaginary friend. I often talk to myself, when I feel bad. I try to imagine that I'm actually speaking to the people or person concerned. I still do that sometimes. I guess that's my way of having 'invisible friends', as Ivan wanted to be referred to... ;p

*****

Gotta go. Baka mahuli pa. Di ko alam anong gagawin na namin...

2007-06-13T02:54:00.000+08:00

Post Independence Day post....

Not as cheerful as I was yesterday. Left Mimi's book in the training room and asked Jen thru text to get it for me. Am not sure if she got the message, and if she did, if she got the book. This always happens to me when it comes to Mimi's books. When I borrowed Rosie Dunne a few years back, I accidentally left it in my paperback, which I left in the Council office. It was Paskuhan and I forgot to get my things, so when I got back, the office was locked already. Christmas break past me by without a book to read. Rosie Dunne stayed with me up until freshman year ended.

Now I misplaced her other book, If you could see me now. It's not only the fact that I lost it, its also the fact that it isn't mine. Now am cranky because I don't know where my book is. I wish Jenny gets here soon so I can know if I have more reason to worry...

******

I cried twice tonight. Same old reasons. Dad. College. Life. It was my way of trying to put myself to sleep, so now am sleepy and we'd have another SA. According to Si, its going to be the hardest of all.

*****

I really need to find something that can cheer me up. :

2007-06-12T10:48:00.000+08:00

I got my wish!!!

Soooooooo HAPPY today!!!

I got a perfect score in the SA and a Very Good in the SD we just had today...

"AM BATTING A THOUSAND TODAY... THAT'S WHAT 11 HOURS OF SLEEP CAN DO FOR YOU!!! ;P"

2007-06-12T03:04:00.000+08:00

Work again. Apparently, Elaine fell into deep sleep yesterday and forgot all about us. She was that tired, which is understandable. We'd have our 3rd SA later on, and I'm about 75% ready. Would have to practice again after this entry.

*****

Mom and I had a little argument earlier. Hinahatid pa rin niya kasi ako papasok, since it's still dark outside. 3AM call time ko so maraming lasing sa kalsada. Y'know! ;p

Anyway, we argued about her correcting me in my using kaya at the end of the sentence. We both have that as our pet peeve, but I wasn't in the mood in being critical. It just felt like she wasn't listening to what I was saying, but rather on how I was saying it, which made me feel disregarded. Oh well.

*****
Loving veoh.com! Have One Last Cry playing by Brian McKnight. He3

*****

Elaine and Dane, one of the coaches, had the demo call already. Sana mauna na ako para di na nakakakaba... Want to perfect this, if possible. ;p

*****

Later. Drawlots na.

2007-06-11T12:06:00.000+08:00

Shift just ended. Waiting for Dawn. Watching Naruto AMV over at veoh.com. So cool. LOL

2007-06-11T07:55:00.000+08:00

No SA today. Coaches out 6AM. Had charades to pass time while waiting for Elaine. Almost lost it, if not for Eos acting out Poltergeist and Pearl finally getting it. Worth 5 pts, so it was a draw. First time Dawn didn't lose... LOL... Elaine has new lesson later. Live calls start Wednesday. So scared. So excited. Not making sense, am I? Bear with me. Just saw Marc's pic in the RCI mag. So cute.. Been so long since I had a crush on someone... ;p

Khayzee and I share locker. Hafta bring lock tomorrow. Could finally leave things here... Less hassle. ;>

Less than 2 weeks more in training. Graduation on the 23rd. Can't wait. Pay day Friday. Tiange here we come! Ha3...

2007-06-11T01:06:00.000+08:00

I decided to have a complete make-over with the blog lay-out. Nakaka-antok na kasi yung gray. I found this template from createblog.com. Pretty cute, huh?!

Into week four of the five week training... Am at work right now actually. Two hours early, which just shows how anxious I am. (Or how stupid. I could've catch some sleep, instead of maximizing my free internet usage here in the pantry. Oh well.)

We'd have our 3rd SA later. Another role play. I'm almost sure that I can pass it. My goal is to at least perfect one SA, or if that's really asking for the impossible, at least an SD.

******

Tito Mike and his family left early yesterday morning. Ni hindi na nga kami nagkausap. For whatever reason, it always seemed as if the wives of my uncles have the upper hand. Now, mom's pretty dominating, and yeah, I never actually saw how she and dad communicated (having him in the States for most of my formative years, and his sudden passing while away from us), but I always felt that she and dad were on even ground. Hindi yung nagpapa-under ang isa sa kanila. I don't think dad would let him be undermined, the way Tito Mike was when Tita Alelie was around.

I wasn't able to speak to Noah, which is kinda sad. He's my first stranger for a cousin, and I'm afraid that the other cousins I have on the father side, would all wound up as strangers. Siguro kasi ganoon din ako sa mga magulang nila. It always felt as if, after dad died, that my connection to his family died as well... Great efforts are to be taken just so I can update them with the events in my life. And its hard, considering that they should be the people whom I can ask about dad, before he died.

But I guess a part in me isn't ready to let them in, because I see them as the people responsible for my father's sudden departure. They didn't take care of him...

*****

Am currently reading Cecilia Ahern's "If You Could See Me Now". I love it. The idea's so fresh, so exciting. I like the feeling that I am slowly being absorbed by a story without having my reality swamped by someone else's imagination. For once, after a long time, I am reading not to escape... but to seek out something new...

Whoa! How's that for poetic!? ;p

*****

Off to customize my friendster account. Later.

Writer's Block

2007-06-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult to write, when I have a lot to write about. For one, I passed both the Skills Assessments we had this week. I got 74/85 in the written SA3 and a 96/100 in the roleplay SA1. SAs are pretty difficult, and trainees are only given at least 3 times to fail (ie 3 strikes and you're out). I don't want to fail of course. I've never been good in failing.

Coach Marc is here reviewing us for the SA2 later today. Our trainer, Elaine, is still out sick. I've got no complains though; Marc is very cute. Dawn already told everyone I had a crush on him, but now everyone thinks she also likes Marc. It's all very high school-ish. I'm keeping my mouth shut because the work environment is different from what I am familiar with, so am trying to be mature. Dawn couldn't believe it when I told her that I am perkier than she is. I've been very un-Beryl here, which isn't all that hard. I guess having my wisdom tooth had affected my way of thinking and manners.

Marc's being manipulated by our bossy wavemate Jane, which isn't really new. She's very manipulative, demanding and its her nature to be that way. At first I found it a bit annoying, but now, I'm amused by it. I can be manipulative too if I want to be. And besides, no one can manipulate you without your consent. Wavemate Jenny, however, is very annoyed at her. I told her that if you don't like someone, you shouldn't put too much energy on disliking her. It just doesn't make sense. Besides, the person with the resentment carries the heavier baggage. Believe me, I know.

Elaine just arrived. She's been sick for the past two days. I have to finish this post fast. She gave us 25-minute break, because she plans to maximize the time today. I'd have to finish answering the workbook later. Wonder how am I going to do that, with Tito Mike, Tita Alelie and my stranger for a cousin Noah staying with us this weekend.

They arrived earlier today, while I was taking a nap. I don't really know how I am going to act around them. Emailing them is one thing; having actual conversations with them is very different. It's like we're talking, but not about the things we should talk about. That's how its always been with me and my paternal relatives, ever since dad died... But that's a story I prefer not to get deep into... It just makes me feel really down. And who wants to be down, right?

*****

Am watching One Tree Hill over at veoh.com. Season 3. Loving it.

I'm so glad I brought my binder with me. I was thinking that maybe Elaine wouldn't be in again, but I realize I can do the workbook here.

*****

Well, later.

A Stupid Question requires a Stupid Answer *ayt?

2007-06-06T05:33:00.000+08:00

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. To actualizeits potential.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion. We werejustified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine there is no chicken, it's easy if you try...

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: "That's one small crossing for a chicken, one giantleap for chicken-kind. "

GOETHE: Es irrt das Huhn, solang es die Straße übergeht.

HAMLET: To cross, or not to cross, that is the question: - Whether'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer; The slings and arrows ofoutrageous side; Or to take arms against a road of troubles,

DAVID COPPERFIELD: I made the chicken disappear and reappear on theother side.

ISAAC NEWTON: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens inmotion tend to cross the road.

KARL POPPER: To disprove the hypothesis that chickens could not crossroads.

DARTH VADER: To get to the Dark Side.

OPRAH WINFREY: He was reacting to a repressed traumatic caponisationin his childhood which he will now share with us in detail.

ARTHUR, KING OF BRITONS: To seek the Holy Grail.

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to crossthe road of his own free will.

OBI-WAN KENOBI: Because the force was with it.

YODA: Wants to cross the chicken because

LUDWIG VON BEETHOVEN: What? Speak up.

JOHN LOCKE: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

GREGOR MENDEL: To get various strains of roads.

NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Roadgazes also across you.

GEORGE ORWELL:Because the government had fooled him into thinking thathe was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really onlyserving their interests.

THE POPE: That is only for God to know

RASTAFARIAN: There were grass on the other side mon.

SAPPHO: Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fairthan all of Hellas' fine armies.

JEAN PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

OJ SIMPSON: You'd run too, if you had just killed two people and triedto frame an inoccent man

BF SKINNER: The external influences which had pervaded its sensoriumfrom birth caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would bedriven to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of itsown free will.

STALIN: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

MAE WEST: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickenswill be free to cross roads without having their motives called intoquestion.

LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded intothe objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into beingwhich caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How manymore chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

DANA SCULLY: It was a simply bio-mechanical reflex that is commonlyfound in chickens

ZENO: To prove it could never reach the other side.

RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, thechicken did NOT cross the road.

RENE DESCARTES: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaminganyway.

CHARLES DICKENS: Tis a far, far better road than chicken has e'er crossedbefore.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who careswhy? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chickencrossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: It was running to catch the Edinburgh train atVictoria Station at 3:15, my dear Watson. Observe the patina of duston the dropped feathers, bespeaking long hours in a library, surelyreading about Scotland. Remark the Baker Street boys' report that itwas humming "Bonnie Lassie" while waiting to cross. Note the ticketstub marked Edinburgh. Of course, we both know the only train toEdinburgh leaves at 3:15 from Victoria...

DAVID HUME: Out of custom and habit.

CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestaltnecessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historicaljuncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrencesinto being.DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with atoad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've notbeen told!

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will belistening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarmingstory of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on toaccomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defendto the death its right to do it.

JACK NICHOLSON: 'Cause it (Bleep!) wanted to. That's the (Bleep!) reason.

TS ELIOT: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

LEDA: Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed as a chicken? He'sinto that kind of thing, you know.

JOHN MILTON: To justify the ways of God to men.

THE SPHINX: You tell me.

JULIUS CAESAR: To come, to see, to conquer. It came, it saw, it conquered.

JACQUES DERRIDA: What is the *difference* ? The chicken was merelydeferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get theidea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross theroad?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have beennaturally selected and evolved over time in such a way that they arenow genetically endowed with the capabilities required to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the roadmoved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking

EPICURUS: For fun.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

ROBERT FROST: To cross the road less traveled by.

BILL CLINTON : I did not, repeat, did not have sexual relations with thechicken.

JOSE RIZAL: It crossed the road so that it sees the dawning of lightin ourMotherland.

MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO : Aha! I know it! That chicken crossed theroad to provoke me. I move to permanently hold in contempt thatchicken. I requestfor a restraining order, your honor, so that the chicken would not be ableto cross the road again!

RAMON REVILLA: I concur, your honor. You see, may timbangan ako ngmanok sa bahay. Doon ko nga nalaman na 96 grams ang 1000 na bills ng1000 pesos to make 1 million pesos. See 96 grams? 96 grams talaga!Malapit yun sa isang kilo...eh sa 96 grams talaga eh...Pero huwag nyoakong tanungin kung ilang kilo ang manok na nagcross ng road.

BAYANI AGBAYANI: Para mag-ocho-ocho!

KRIS AQUINO: It may be many things, but it's still a chicken.

MELANIE MARQUEZ: Don't judge the chicken 'coz he is not a book.

*from TeenTalk post by pach.

4 Hours Sleep

2007-06-05T21:45:00.000+08:00

I only four hours of sleep and I cherished every minute of it!

Shift ended 7 AM yesterday, with only a quarter of the class getting their SDs finished. We had our SA early in the evening. I swear, its the worst when you try to review your answers based on others' answers, when neither of you know if you're correct or not. So I'm just going to let go of the SA and wait for the results. Feeling ko naman pasado ako e... *crossfingers.

We'd have the SD4 tonight. Haven't practiced yet, after this post na lang. LOL

After the shift, Toni, Dawn and I went to Carriedo to get our NBI Clearance. Toni already had his so he only had to renew. My God, ink is so IN there! Hahaha!

About two hours or so we were done. (My NBI picture would forever haunt me, BTW.) I went ot UST afterwards to meet up with Mimi and Aileen. We had lunch at the San Mig Food Shop within campus and mom also arrived with my LOA, so I got to file that. Only had to have it marked recieved at the dean's office, and am off. I was planning to get my clearance as well, but there were going to release it at 1:30 PM pa, so I decided to go back na lang sa Thursday.

Lumagpas pa ang LRT ko kanina dahil nakatulog na ako sa antok. I was moving in daze, not really aware of my actions. When I got home, I showered, fixed my stuff for tonight and went zzzing...

Boj woke me up by 8PM and now I am here. Mom still had to take me; she's very protective that way, which is okay.

*****

Mimi lent me two new Cecilia Ahern books. I would never be able to read any of books if I wasn't friends with Mimi --- their super expensive! I can't wait for the release of the movie version of C.A.'s "PS I love You" starring Hilary Swank. I love that book, the story's really great.

This makes me think about the free movie night this month. We can now partake in this, thank God! Wonder what the film would be... I'm betting it'd be Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, but that might just be wishful thinking... LOL

*****

We'd start by 11 PM. Have 45 minutes to review... Wish me luck okay!?

Short Hair

2007-06-04T21:07:00.000+08:00

Its times like this that I wish I have a camera phone to call my own!

I had my hair cut super short last Saturday, right after Dawn, Toni and I got off work. It wasn't supposed to be this short, but I told the stylist I want it short, manageable and sophisticated. It's kinda difficult to get used to, especially since I've always wanted to have my hair long, being a short-haired kid all my life.

But considering the numerous changes I've been going through this past month, I guess having short hair can be considered a mature act on my part, no matter how farfetched it may sound. I guess its kind of funny to compare maturity and lenght of hair, but what the heck? I'm feeling crazy tonight.

Am at work btw. My officemates are now reviewing for our very first SA. Toni has my reviewer. I swear, I'm going to regret not catching some sleep earlier. Oh well, at least I got updated with One Tree Hill and Saturday Night Lights. *I caught an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. The f***ing ending was hanging and now I don't know if I'd ever see how it ended. Argh!

*****

Another sad news: NO ONE'S VISITING MY WHO'S WHO THREAD IN TTALK!!! HUHUHU!!!

*****

Question: What would you do if you win 130M from the lottery? I wonder what that person from Cebu would do with the sudden downpour of money that God or whatever Higher Being out there, had given him/her?

Siguro kung ako iyon, iyak-tawa ako ng isang buong linggo. Buwan pa nga siguro e.

*****

Gotta go and review. Wish me luck!

The Return of the Comeback

2007-06-02T12:04:00.000+08:00

I'm back to Teentalk!

UN: beryllium

So happy with this that I'm linking my Who's Who thread here. CLICK

Last day of work for the week.
Plan to get my haircut.
Got my pay, finally.
Asked for new card.
PROMISETOMEMORIZETHEPINTHISTIME!!!

Off to post, even if shift's over.

Stressed Out!

2007-06-01T09:47:00.000+08:00

I'm soooooo stressed out! I've just finished my third skill developer and it is, by far, the hardest SD I ever had. And that says a lot, considering I only had three. The stressful thing about is that I know what to do, only I can't do it correctly. Yet. Am not giving up thought. Not yet, anyway. (Joke!)

It's just that I wasn't able to enjoy the SD, unlike how I enjoyed it in the first two times. I felt out of control and crazy, my heart beating so fast and I feel hot and cold all at the same time. It's really hard to define, the sensation of being put to test, but all I can say is that I didn't like it. Not with this SD anyway.

(BTW, SDs are basically role play practices wherein the coaches will try our knowledge in navigating and communicating with the customers aka RCI members at the same time. I really like it, because you don't go dumb with the process. But its soooo freaking stressful!!! One wrong click and if you don't know where to go, you might just make a big and unresolvable mistake.)

This is the only SD I wasn't able to build rapport. I actually feel as if I went head-first down my table of progress and that only adds to the stress.

As if it isn't enough, I have a big problem with my ATM card. I don't remember the pin I typed yesterday after changing the pin given by the bank. I was too sleepy to think that I need to remember my pin. So I would have to go to the bank later, to fix it and be able to withdraw all the money. I'd be moving it into my other account and giving 3T to mom. I also want to have my haircut shorter and hassle free, which I know I'd regret but what the heck! Am stressed.

At least, with all this stress with work, I've got no more energy in stressing about other things... The silver lining in the big, ugly, gray cloud looming over my head...

Petics Galore!!!

2007-05-31T00:25:00.000+08:00

You are pretty emo. You understand the deep thought-provoking stylings of Brand New and can appreciate the words "The quiet things that no one ever knows". You probably have thick weezer glasses as well as a messenger bag to carry all your music and unsent love notes in. Last but not least, you have tight, tight pants.

AreYouEmo.com

Change

2007-05-30T23:12:00.000+08:00

For whatever reason, I feel as if I need some major makeover. It's been a month since I started working and it really feels... empowering. I found out that I already got my pay in my account and that also feels really good. Even if I know that money is merely a thing, it feels great to be secure because I have it.

I deleted my previous account in Teentalk, and created a new one --- beryllium. I'm hoping that this time aroudn I can get true friends in the forum, and still be able to have some mature gabbing sessions with teens my age. As much as possible, I want to enjoy my being a "kid". Working has taught me a lot of them, and one of them is that when you start being part of the work force, it would make you someone responsible of your own doings, of your own life.

That's scary. Especially if you do it so suddenly, take that turn and turn back from the road you were SOOOO sure was what you wanted. Then you'd try to at least make yourself believe that at the end of this cross road you'd be able to find your way back to that road you wanted.

But what happens if you don't?

The answer may sound simple --- you look for a new road. But saying it is far easier than actually doing it.

And off ago ranting about my life. Drama overload anyone?

******

We're not doing anything right now, just watching some old DVD, although no one is actually watching it. Everyone's taking the chance to use the free Internet. Have I mentioned that I love this job? LOL

******

I got a lot of compliments today because of how I look, but still I feel as if I'm looking and waiting for something that not only can not be found, but does not actually exist... :'c

Beauty Queens and Politics

2007-05-30T00:25:00.000+08:00

I watched Miss Universe 2007 yesterday partly in ABS- CBN 2, partly in Starworld 48. The latter had announced the winner in advance, but that's only because of the endless commercial breaks in the previous. I really thought Miss Korea looked fantastic, and I really liked Ms. Tennessee Rachel Smith AKA Miss USA. But I guess Miss Japan deserved it; she was really confident and all that (although I am, up to now, still trying to understand the connection to her answer from the winning question).

I'm glad that Ms. Philippines won Ms. Photogenic. She looked really hot. Overall, I'm proud to say that I am Asian; Ms. China also banked Ms. Congeniality (although am not so sure if she knows what that really means) so Asian women really made a mark partly.

It's just sad that the Mexicans booed Ms. USA just because of that stupid immigration law. I guess I can understand where they are coming from, but I don't believe that Ms. Universe Pageant is the right place to voice out their opinions. The pageant is for the upholding of the beautiful aspects of different and differing nations, with the women as their representatives. It is not Ms. USA's fault if her country's lawmakers are making life hellish for the people who contribute to their society.

Just a thought anyway.

******

Am at work right now, and should be logging out by now. I've given eight hours of work already, but I want to hear my feedbacks from the coach. I believe my SD2 is better than my first, although I still forgot some important points.

I'm kinda sleepy right now... never been one to pull an all-nighter... It's also a bit disappointing that I'm not getting lucky with the guys I want to get to know and I'm kind of jealous because a friend is getting what I want... Story of my life.

I'm so tired. Would've to go home afterwards, and maybe go to Sta. Lucia before I go to work later at 10PM again.

*****

Going Home

2007-05-28T14:06:00.000+08:00

I watched Jordin win American Idol 2007. Got a bit teary eyed for her, even if I was all for Blake. Hopefully, they both become successful artists.

*****

Still at work. Just got off my shift. Mom wants me to be home before 3 PM. I've already practicing renewing and all that. Tomorrow's shift starts 10 PM so hurray for the 30 % night diff. I can go and process my requirements in the morning, at last. Pay day is on Thursday, which is a bit of a disappointment because I was expecting it to be on Wednesday. The money Tito Ed sent came in handy and just in time. Mom only gave me 70 pesos today. She doesn't know Tito Ed has been sending money and this is the third time I got it. It's the first time I got it from Boj. Usually he sends 2T, but Boj said he only got 1T. Oh well. I can buy WITCH 60 at last.

*****

Worried over my ear. Not sure how much would the sassy Borrough's Medical Clinic will take from me.

*****

Off to home now.

*****

To buy:

Post its for chi cheats.
WITCH 60
black ball pen

Role Play

2007-05-25T18:09:00.000+08:00

"Thank you for calling RCI. This is Beryl. May I have your nine digit account number please?"

NOSEBLEED --- that's the best Pinoy colloqual term that fits the program I am trying to learn and get eventually. My new friend Toni and I are currently having our practice roleplay; I'm the member and he's the guide (NOTE: We don't call ourselves agents. Sophistication issues). Later on we'd change place. We'll have our first SA next week, so I have to be sure I pass that. Or else.

I'd rather get in this account, no matter how complicated it is, because at least I wouldn't go dumb here. The program is actually the one complicated; there's a lot of things to remember. I just have to make sure that I can carry a good conversation while doing something else. Multi-tasking and all that.

I'm having a hard time communicating with my other Wave mates partly because of the age gap thing and partly because of my ear thing. There's a clog of some sort inside my ear and it's like there's a muffler inside my ears. I hate it but there's nothing I can do about it yet. So in a way I am also playing a role totally opposite of myself: the submissive me that I've long ago buried together with all the high school drama I successfully lived through, Thank God!

It's too bad that I'm like this right now. Just when I have this person who I really would want to get to know, and I can't because BECAUSE I CAN'T FREAKING HEAR!!!

Then again its not like he, or anyone else, would be interested in me... be it the submissive me or the other me...

Theme Song?

2007-05-22T19:10:00.000+08:00

This song fits me right now... Too bad the person I'd be seeing this to remains the faceless dream guy...

********************************

Way Back Into Love Lyrics

Ive been living with a shadow over head
Ive been sleepin with a cloud above my bed
Ive been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just cant seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just incase I ever need them again someday
Ive been setting aside time,to clear a little space in the cornners of my mind

CHORUS
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
ohh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
Ive been searching but I just dont see the signs
I know that its out there
Theres got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody to get me through the night
I could use some direction, and I'm open to your suggestions

CHORUS
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart again
I guess Im hopin you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I dont know if its real
or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart to you
Im hopin you'll show me what to do
and if you help me to start again
you know that I'll be there for u in the end

**********************************

Impacted Cerumen

2007-05-22T13:29:00.000+08:00

OMG!!! I would have to spend money just so I can keep my job... just because of my stupid earwax who'd dried up and stayed inside my ears even when they should come out! ARGH!

Working girl petics... looooove it!!!

Treading on Dangerous Waters

2007-05-18T17:12:00.000+08:00

I don't know why it is so difficult for me to find my place within my waive mates. BTW, that's what we call each other instead of "classmates" because, duh, we ain't in a class. I'm part of Waive 18. (The number is starting to become the number of the year for me...)

The call center industry, as far as I am concerned, is the most complex of all. (This coming from a girl who has no other work experience except from "freelance tutoring" that lasted from 3 days to a week + one day.) From age gaps to varying "ways of living", the 25 people I'm bound to be (stuck) with within the next five weeks (starting Monday) are so diverse its overwhelming. And of them, I know and like only 2. And that's only because only Toni and Dawn are the people I don't feel scared to be with.

Don't even ask me why I'm scared to be with people. I don't know what I would say. Perhaps, and this is a really big perhaps, I am just tired of spilling my guts to people after all the days of trying to sell myself to employers.

Aside from wallowing in self-pity for not having an existing love life, and being scared to be with people so diverse and different from me, I am also busy with stopping myself from thinking of the things I can buy with my money come payday. It's a dangerous thing --- to "count your chickens before they hatch" --- and once again, I am scared.

I need to stop doing all of the three. I don't know where I should start but I'll get there.

Wherever there is.

2007-05-14T11:45:00.000+08:00

******ADVERTISEMENT*****

If anyone of you happen to be interested or knows someone who is interested in joining the Best Employer of the Year 2005,
that is eTelecare Global Solutions,
you may contact me thru my mobile #: 09152589952
or thru my email: beryljoselle20@yahoo.com.
Just send in your name, age, address and contact informations.
I guarantee you a great experience in the best call center company in town.

World class. Worldwide.

**************************

At Work

2007-05-12T15:31:00.000+08:00

I've learned these past few weeks that life can never be lived in a straight line, at least not in the way I thought it would be. I've decided to take action for me, and now the freedom simultaneously makes me feel liberated and scared.

***

Mom has been so great, as she had been all my life. Tomorrow's Mothers' Day and it's also her birthday. Although I am working now, I still wouldn't be able to buy her anything. I plan to make amends at the end of the month by giving her half of my first paycheck. Hopefully it'd be enough to let her know that I am very thankful for her being my mother, and my best friend, and the one person who sees me in all the complex aspects of my being (and loves me anyway!)

****

Gotta go now.

Alterations and Altercations

2007-05-03T13:57:00.000+08:00

I haven't been able to post on my blog for so long. A lot has been going on in my life and it's hard to document all of it in this blog, so I go on to writing in my real diary.

Here's a quick run on what's been happening:

Rochelle helped me get a job in UST as a Student Assistant for the freshman enrollment. I was tasked to guide the lost souls in their first time to enroll in college. I swear, a lot of parents are still having problems of letting their kids be independent. It's kinda sad, and tad bit annoying. Most of them may have reason to not fully trust their kids, but come on! There in college, for crying out loud!
That job ended last Thursday and the next day I went to the Marikina Quarterly Job Fair at the Sports Complex. I went straight to the two call center companies there, had my interview, and went to check out on some other job choices. I would've like working in ACA Video Shop, since I love movies, but considering the minimum wage in that job...
I went to One Global last Saturday. After a long wait I was told that I passed the assessment stage and my training would start Monday at exactly 6 AM. There would be a two-week training, in which I still wouldn't be getting allowance or the assurance that I am hired. I didn't go. I wasn't stupid. Besides, on that Monday was my scheduled interview for e-Telecare.
I had to go all the way to Makati for e-Telecare, and I was late. I was scheduled for the 9 AM batch but had to wait for two hours to get my turn, because I didn't think the shuttle would be THAT late. Long story short, I got in there as well. Mahaba ang process ng application sa e-Telecare. After the initial interview ( which I had at the job fair) there would be the three exams, all about grammar and listening skills. Then another interview, then the role-play assessment. But I got through all that. The next day, they called me to go to Libis for my assessment in the Speedway account.
I went to Libis and made a stupid mistake which cost me a few more hours of waiting. But everything went well, all the same. I was told to wait for the call again, which has yet to be done. Am still optimistic though.
If I do get that job, I won't be enrolling this next semester. I've decided that it would be best for me to work and make way for my brother, who is starting college this year and taking up OT, which is pretty expensive.
My not enrolling is starting to look like a good idea. A lot of altercations in my class had been making school extra unappealing.

Mom and I are in the rent shop here beside Meralco. I was supposed to go to UST today, for the EJ Evaluation exam. I'm not feeling like it.

A lot of alterations are being done with my life --- it happened before nine years ago officially yesterday --- the difference now is that I'm in control with them, and not anyone else.

***** HOLLYWOOD UPDATE *****

One of my all time favorite flicks is the movie adaptation of Nicholas Spark's "The Notebook". I've watched the movie a hundred, maybe even a thousand times, even if I have yet to even see the paperback copy. And I'm actually not looking for it. I love the movie version, not only because it's such a great romantic story. I love Rachel McAdams and I love Ryan Gosling. And I'm so happy that there might be a good chance that they're about to get married. Or they might be already... I can't get hold of any information at the moment, but I still love them.

Couch Patatas

2007-04-02T11:22:00.000+08:00

I promised myself that I would not let this summer be turned to waste. A week has gone by me and now it's already April. Holy Week started yesterday, and even if I've been a Catholic schoolgirl all my life, I wasn't able to go to mass. I guess that ensures my passport to hell, eh?

Pardon my bad mood, but it's April! I've got two whole months ahead of me and even if I would want to do something fun, it would be impossible since mom's broke, as usual. Boji gets by since he has his pals from high school comes over at the house; they get to play bball or play PC games. I, meanwhile, remain the ever-alone older sister. My plans of hanging out with my childhood best friend Mika is vague. I don't even have load to text her, leaving my boring Nokia 2200 lying useless as ever.

I can't wait for Clearance day. Then Javi would be able to pay me the 500 he owes me from his Lit project and I'd be able to buy WITCH 58 at last. My high school classmate Jasmine texted me last Saturday night about the 4R outing on the 20th. I plan to go, sa Cainta lang naman eh. Jas said we'd be paying 200 for food and payment for the resort, but the fare would be kanya-kanya. I really wish this would push through. I do miss my high school mates, no matter how difficult it was when we were still together. This trip is actually motivating me to not stuff myself too much.

I'd have to admit that I'm really curious if he'd be there. It would be really weird. I'm not the same Beryl I was before. I wonder how'd they handle me... and how I'd handle myself.

Hopefully by then I'd still have money left with me. The money I'd get from Javi on the 10th would have to be saved up. Siguro WITCH lang mabibili ko then I'd keep the rest.

Clearance day on the 10th. Can't wait to see my grades. Super worried. I was actually to rent to see if my grades are already posted. Hindi pa. Matinding pilahan na naman ito sa Tuesday.

*****

Looking forward for the kissing scene tonight in Princess Hours. My favorite scene. Mom is still unaware to the fact that I already know what would happen, hehehe...

Slow Motion Version to the tune of "Insatiable" HOT!!!

Eventful Friday

2007-03-25T10:18:00.000+08:00

I posted some really nasty thoughts about my professor last Friday. I don't regret it, even if she did give our group 89 for our project and she wasn't bitchy when we were having a hard time operating the equipment we needed. I guess nakaganti na din ako in a way because she was reprimanded for using the computer laboratory all day, and was already running late for the baccalaureatte mass for the graduating seniors. I guess its not her fault she's so detailed, but it still her fault for ruining our plans for the day.

Oh well, I'm just glad I won't be seeing her till June. Hopefully she's not our professor anymore. I would like to think that Friday was the last day I'd see anymore of Vindollo.

*****

Friday became a very tiring, dramatic, eventful day. After I blogged about V, Sir Espiritu arrived with food for the special lunch we had in EJ. There were clubhouse sandwhiches, pancit bihon and putanesca, plus four bottles of different soft drinks. I regretted eating KFC Chicken Steak for lunch so suddenly, but I still had room left so I decided to stuff myself. Much later I was also stuffing myself with Aristrocat food. Bawi na lang sa excercise.

Then I recieved a text message from Genay, just in time as I was contemplating on how to throw the putanesca away. I DO NOT LIKE THE TASTE OF BLACK OLIVES. Anyway, Genay said it was an emergency so I thought baka tungkol sa project namin. With a full-stomach I run from the third floor of our college building to the second floor. I soon found out it wasn't that kind of emergency, but it was an emergency in a way.

This is what happened:

Tinanong ni Genay sa akin sino ba yung nagsabi na gumawa kami ng attendance para fair sa lahat. Si Leah iyon. Apparently, someone texted Reevan and his group that it was Rochelle who suggested that, which may sound as if we were afraid Reevan and his group would cheat the others off by going inside the lab even if it wasn't their turn yet. Late na kasi sila dumating, kasi tinatapos pa lang nila yung project nila. Now Reevan retaliated by deliberately not wishing Rochelle a good luck for their project when it was their turn. Rochelle got hurt and tampo so in true Rochelle fashion, asked Reevan why. Ayun na nga sinabi na nga nila na may nag-text and ang sabi si Chelle nga daw ang nagsabi. Rochelle was hurt, and she still is.

As for me, I don't know. I guess I'm not so affected, although I am also hurt in a way, for Chelle. It's bad enough that people like our insecure president doesn't like her and most of the class has yet to fully forgive her for what she did during the campaign period, now Reevan, her supposed friend, is also part of th0m.

I don't feel that sad kasi I know I have Mimi, Aileen and Gef, even if they're in a different section.

Hay, nakakapagod ito.

******

Message for HIM:

It's kind of weird to know that you still talk about me. I still wonder, sometimes, if you really cared for me as much as I cared for you. I guess not. I don't want to hope anymore. I've long given up on us becoming a couple, because its easier to think that you don't care, than you do. Because if you do, then a new set of questions would arise and I'd only be left feeling stupid and hurt for ever making myself believe na pwede nga, na all the times I cried because of you and for you were all worth it...

So, I don't want to think about it anymore. For the longest time my world revolved around you. I wasn't happy. Now I am. I told you before, in Friendster, that I'd always care for you, no matter how long.

But I won't wait. Not anymore.

******

Addict on Neopets!!! Summer na!!! (UN: pink_bej)

Boj HS Graduation starts 5 PM. Hopefully he'd pass in UST. Cross-fingers.

Quick Rant

2007-03-23T11:35:00.000+08:00

I hate it when my schedule gets disrupted by people who are too inconsiderate of other people's needs and wants! And right now, I am directing pure hatred on my EdTech professor, who isn't even a professor yet at all. Vindollo had really gone too far this time. If this is her way of punishing us (me) for being absent on the day she gave the torture-like portfolio project in her detested Field Study 3 course, then my opinion of her being the ultimate biatch educator has become something true and real!

I hate her.

What's worst is I can't do anything about it. It's not fair. Genay was here really early, and so was I. I had to sacrifice crucial minutes in bed because I was afraid she'd fail us (me) if we're late. We (I) didn't think she'd require us to explain our projects and all that. Now kami pa mahuhuli kahit na nauna pa kami kila ****!!! It's so UNFAIR!!!

****

I'm really looking forward for later, when I'm surrounded by Mimi, Aileen and my other friends, and no Vindollo is there to ruin the fun of being young, just because her life's a big, ugly drama. I'm really being cruel but I bet God didn't think she was equipped to be a good mother that's why she miscarried. Bad karma and all.

****

It's nice to be able to rant... thank God for the internet connection in EJ! LOL We're having special lunch here later. Too bad I've already eaten KFC Chicken Steak with Chelle and Via. I'm thinking of becoming a more active SC staffer next year.. we'll see.

The Older Sister

2007-03-22T08:42:00.000+08:00

My brother and I aren't superclose, but we get along most of the time. Today I accompanied him to his interview for the UST CRS, after a long and dramatic encounter with mom last night.

Here's the thing: I resent my brother for being so overly taken care of by our beloved mother that now it's hard for me, and for mom, to make him follow the rules. He's not a bad boy per se; he's just frustratingly lazy. He never once washed the dishes he used without my having to bribe him. And even if he does wash the dishes, he'd only wash his own. Same goes with his clothes, his things, et cetera. And my being such an individualist hinders our technically "bonding sessions" ie house cleaning. I prefer to work on my own because he wouldn't follow my system and ruin everything.

So you can imagine, that for the most part, am not a really good ate.

Be that as it may, I am trying, but it's difficult because my mom already has this idea that I am resenting my brother at all times. Which is of course, so untrue. I resent the fact that my brother has to have help every step of the way, so when mom asked me last night --- indirectly, mind you --- to go with my brother on his interview today, I --- also indirectly --- said that he could do it on his own.

I guess it was the stress or the fact that it was late and mom was tired, but she got all "If it was a friend who needed help, you wouldn't think twice" speech. (Note: I don't get it when people who are already tired get so agitated and get mad. Isn't it more tiring to get mad? Sheesh!) In the end she told me I could decide for myself, with all the drama ek-ek she just had to add. (I'm not comfortable of writing each line in this blog.)

You might be thinking that my mom's little drama stunt affected me, which is why I was with my brother. Actually it wasn't that. I did want to go with him, I just didn't want him to fully depend on me. My final Finals today starts at 10 AM and that meant I could've slept in. So I texted him last night (I was locking myself in my room) and told him if he still want me to go with him, he will be the one to wake me up. And the rest is history.

I realized something funny last night. I'm EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD! I'm of legal age and I can decide on my own. Mom said, in part of her drama moment, that I could decide for myself. My friend Mimi is asking me to tutor English to two Chinese students of her mom. I'd earn money but I would've to stay over at Mimi's house, since the students wouldn't be available till 5PM. I was going to ask for mom's permission, but not to stay over at Mimi's. Even if she's my friend I wouldn't be able to live with her. I was planning on proposing to mom if I can stay over at Yacal for the weekdays, so I wouldn't be so tired anymore and I could teach and earn money. The thing left to do now is talk to my Aunts. Hopefully they let me stay over next semester. But that's for later. I still have some questions for Mimi, which I would be able to ask tomorrow, after their final exams.

Hay. Second year is almost over. I didn't even study for the exam today. Too tired, too lazy. I bet later on I'd regret it, but what the heck.

*****

I wasn't able to meet up with Javi's Korean friend who he said looked a lot like Joo Ji-hoon. Maybe later. Hahaha.

Itchy for Change

2007-03-21T12:14:00.000+08:00

Am not totally sure if its because of the upcoming summer vacation, or because I am now 18 and my summer is bound to be more exciting now compared to my previous summers as a minor, or because I'm just totally psyched on having the summer I want no matter what but, for some reason, I am itching for change. I'm talking about major Beryl makeover, something that would make me feel more powerful, more organized, more Me.

Then again, maybe I'm just really bored with my life.

But whatever it is, I've decided to make my blog a priority this summer, even if I won't be online at all times since we don't have ready Internet connection at home, or a working PC, or a telephone line... Basically, all I'm saying is that I'd try my best to squeeze in quality blogging time during my vacation, while I'm looking for a job, saving up, watching TV (Hah! We've got Hable now! At least I can still be "in" with the movies, even if I won't be able to watch a lot of the new ones in the cinema. Austerity measures, people!), thinking of doing house chores, actually doing house chores and dozing off whenever I want to.

Now I don't know about you, but at this point of my life, those activities are pure heaven. I'm actually grinning from ear to ear as I write this, a true reflection of how appealing it would be for me to actually do nothing.

But since I still have one final examination tomorrow, and its a big one, I would have to live with the fact that I've got to study. A lot.

...

Then again, there's always later. I'm waiting for my friend Javi to text me where we'll meet up on the way home. He's going to introduce me to his Korean friend who he swears is a look-alike of my newest crush Joo Ji-hoon, Prince Gian of the Koreanoval being shown in ABS-CBN, Princess Hours (from which I am currently obssessed on). Since my mom has been bugging me all month, telling me to get myself a boyfriend (as if that's so easy!), I figured I could give it a shot. I'm just meeting up with a friend of a friend if you think about it. But you never know for sure right?

My mom's also making me text this 23-year-old Malaysian guy she met through an office mate, and it's kinda funny to see my mom pimping me to guys. I guess she was affected when I told about my, well, insecurity, for being boyfriendless all my life. Oh sure she told me I was still young, but she was affected. I could see that.

I wonder if my being single all my life is also a factor for this sudden need for major change.... Hmm...

*****

I chanced by a Shannon Elizabeth movie on HBO last night, entitled "Confessions of an American Bride". It is a chick flick but I was feeling it last night. The story revolved around Sam (played by Shannon Elizabeth), a 20-ish soon-to-be wife of her handsome prince charming named Ben (played by Eddie McClintock). Everything was OK with them; they were in love and wanted to be togethere. Then disaster struck when Sam's old college crush Luke (played by Geoff Stults, who I have to say, is HOT!) who apparently also crushed on Sam. It is a classic story of a girl choosing the One she has or the One she always wanted. I particularly liked the story because it was real, it was comedic and it was honest. If I was Sam, I would also be confused. "What if in the future, the guy I've always cared for, but couldn't care less if I lived or died, confesses his love for me, even when I'm already taken?" Unfortunately, that's not the applicable question at the moment. No, the more applicable question is "When would I ever be able to tell people that I am taken?" (I think it'd sound more pessimistic if the question was "If I'd ever be taken..." and I'm not in the mood to welcome dark thoughts.)

Oh, I also watched Brittany Murphy's The Little Black Book last week. A chick flick with a twist. I don't particularly like Britanny, but the movie was cool. Highly recommended for girls who have broken up with their boyfriend because of his ex.

*****

Well, am off to type our ESP Finals. And to play with the lay-out. And to link other people/ new friends from TeenTalk.

Man, am craving for Cerealicious! Can't wait for Friday! Freedom!!!

Twenty One Minutes

2007-03-20T17:23:00.000+08:00

I've got 21 minutes left of my 2 hours renting PC. I'm so proud of myself. I've done all my tasks, well except for the draft for Principles 2 HW (due tomorrow) and finishing the ESP finals (I'm already 75% done), but that's only because I am tired. So to relieve myself I am posting eye candy pictures of the hunky Joo Ji-Hoon of Princess Hours. YUMMY!!

Tonight's episode of Princess Hours will be the Interview part. I've already seen it in my DVD copy but its easier to understand when its in Tagalog. Hahaha!

FiNals Update: 2 Down, 2 More to go!!! And then ... VACATION!!!!

Colds, Finals and Hyprocrites

2007-03-14T14:46:00.001+08:00

Warp Back to 15 year old me:

People make me really inferior. It's like no matter how much I would want to please them, I just can't do it. It's like I'm such a big loser. Maybe I am. Even if I don't do anything to them, keeping to myself and remaining in the sidelines, galit pa din sila. I don't know what to do. I try to be please them, but it's so tiring. Sometimes I ask myself why do I even try, when it already seems as if they've made up their minds about me even if they hardly knew me. It's hard to believe that it'll be their lost, when I am here sitting all alone and lonely, while they all hang-out and have friends...

Now to the 18 year old me:

I've long ago given up trying to please people. I've learned that no matter what I do, it won't work. I'd just end up miserable and intimidated. What's aggravating with the situation is the fact that I know I'm feeling this way because I let me feel this way. An**** and the others didn't order me to feel inferior, or casted out. Maybe I am letting how they define me be how I define myself, so I decided that, when I started college, I'd be the one defining who I am. And I had done just that.

Now here I am feeling as if I'm back in high school again. Only this time, I'm part of the crowd that is making others feel inferior. What irony! The atmosphere inside the classroom is terrible. I feel so overpowered by this childish people who feel as if its my fault they feel what they feel towards me. If I make them intimidated, its not because I'm so assertive and confident of myself. It's because they are letting their selves react in such a matter. And even if you may consider my being assertive as a factor, you would still have to agree that I have no control on how they would feel towards me, the same way I had no power over the people who disliked me back in high school.

It's frustrating really, to be surrounded by hypocrites, a week before Finals and nursing very bad colds. The silver lining in all of this is the fact that I have some cash on me. "Some" being the operative word of the day.

Sigh.

I guess people are really too complex to understand. It's a shame, I really wanted to avoid these kinds of divisions. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and let them make all the noise. It's already tiring to study for the upcoming exams and frankly, I've got no time for immature college classmates.

******

I'd be spending the 23rd with Mimi, Aileen and anyone who would want to tag along with us. My co-majors planned to have an outing on the same date, place still a big question. At first I was debating on whether I should go with them and save my relationships in class but after finding out that Mimi would be going to Taiwan the next day, I decided that I'd rather be with my friends. Because of them I'm keeping my sanity, thank God, and I don't want to lose them of all people. Masyadong madrama ang mga English majors! Di na nakakatawa...

24 Hours = Not Enough

2007-03-10T13:15:00.000+08:00

I
It's weird. I see my mom and my brother everyday and yet I have this nagging feeling of homesickness. It's not surprise I guess, since whenever I am home, I'm doing tons of things that are very important, but they tend to disregard the feeling of home... It's like my body's inside my house, but my mind still wandering off to the things I have to get done for school.

I guess I just love school too much. And too much can sometimes can be a bad thing, right?

The thing is, I've been feeling really overworked and sleepless these past few days. It's as if the 24 hours I get to be alive for a day just isn't enough for me to sleep, eat, work and recreate.

I know I should be thankful for being alive, but I can't help but imagine how heavenly it would be if I could just curl up on my bed, with a good book and some snacks (that aren't necessarily healthy.. I've long since given up on caring on my figure. And I found out, the less I criticize myself about it, the better I look. Hah.), with no care in the world.

Sadly, I can't just do that, for the in following days I'd be working my ass off to finish my sophomore year with a big, blasting bang. I have to finish the requirements, review for the finals, pass the finals, and say goodbye to my being a mere second year. Next year, we'd be having our thesis and I just can't wait. (Not!)

You know what could make my year end better? If for once in my life, someone who'd care to get to know me --- the real me --- comes and sweeps me off my feet with his dashing good looks, sincerity and honesty.... Ooooh... Umaatake nanaman ang girl sa loob ko na masama pa din ang loob at wala akong boyfriend. She often comes alive whenever I'm really stressed, or tired, or envious. And right now am all three.

1:30PM na. I was supposed to meet with Genay and Barbs today, but Genay told me we'd be hanging out with Ruth, and I just don't want to see her now. At least not with Genay. If I see her now, I might just regret what I say to her, so no thanks. I'd rather hide in the comforts of the Internet that tell Ruth off. I've already scheduled it on Monday, and I hate having my schedule suddenly altered by other people.

Then again, I better go. Baka di na sapat ang baon ko for this. Naka one and a half hour na din ako ah.

Well, later.

******

Cheerleader Nation is on later at Studio 23, 6:30 PM. Looove it!
******
Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend (What could she be feeling now whenever she's being called behind the name of the Prince, like she has no identity of her own? That's a toughie, isn't it?), ruined all my fantasies on Will. Oh well. She is pretty, in a way. Can you imagine what she could be feeling at this moment? Rumors had been spreading all over UK about her and the Prince's getting married in the near future. God forbid! (Joke!) I still haven't made my mind about her. It's hard to let go of Prince William, him being the center of most of my fantasies. At first I though Kate looked older than 25, and much older than Prince William, whose only 24. I guess she's just mature for her age. Could she be willing to sacrifice her "freedom" and privacy for Will? We'll see. Until then, I'd still play my Marrying-Prince Will- and- Uniting- Europe and Asia fantasy whenever I can. And if they get married, there's always Harry. Hehehe.

Bad Girl

2007-03-09T14:03:00.000+08:00

I guess its true, that when you do one bad thing, it would eventually become a hundred of bad things and you don't know how you had let it happen. I've never been a passive person --- its not in my genes --- but this week has proven how easy it is to become accustomed in doing really bad things, like lying.

First let's define lying. Lying is any form of hiding the truth or altering the truth. Sad to say, this is just what I did.

It all started last Friday, when I went to my Tita's house in Yacal to finish Ken's and Javi's projects in Lit. I've been known as the secret project maker all through highschool, and even if I didn't intend to continue such a "career" in college (so as to avoid being a hypocritical educator who won't allow cheating yet cheats others as well) but then again, desperate times call for desperate measure, right? So anyway, I was doing just that just so I can get it out of the way for good. I haven't done MY own project, which sucks since the deadline's fast approaching and I hate to cram.

I was fine with pressuring myself and all. I knew I'd be paid appropriately in the end, so it all seemed worth it. Then my tita approached me and told me about the money her twin brother, who is a teacher in New York, had sent for me and my younger brother. Now a thousand pesos may seem really pathetic to some people, but that's like a million to me, what with a hundred pesos I get a day, which is only enough for fare back and forth from Marikina to UST, and baon. So I had a thousand pesos on me, and finals was fast approaching.

The good thing about Finals Week is that I know after all the pain and hardships and caffeneited nights, I'd be enjoying the last day of Hell Week with my friends (who happen to be in another major, which is why I miss them very much.) The bad thing about it is that I'm always worried that mom won't be able to pay my tuition fee and therefore I won't be allowed to take the finals. That won't just be utter embarrasment --- it'd disregard all the other hardships I had to survive just so I can become a teacher.

And because of this fear, I decided to hide the money for awhile. Hide as in not use it OR tell mom about it, as my tita had so blatantly reminded me. She thinks mom spends too much...

Now, ask me how much is left of it. Php 400. I had used Php 600 in a week. See how thrifty I am? And I've used up all that money even if my mom, who remains oblivious of its existence to this day (and for the rest of her life, hopefully), was still giving me my baon every night and I continue to take it even if I knew she was really short of cash.

It's like I've become a nonstop sucking snake and it makes me cringe to see how greedy I've become.

As if that isn't bad enough, I've lied one too many times this week. Here's a list:

I lied about having to go home early and not going to the PE Practice for the Finals in Social Dance three times. I made up different alibis, except on Wednesday, when I truly planned to go but my brother had to be taken to the doctor.
I lied about being on the way home at 5PM yesterday. I was so excited to watch the Princess Hours DVD I got from Ken as his payment that I lost track of time. Mom was worried I haven't texted her, but because I didn't tell her about Ken asking me to make his project, I couldn't very well tell her the truth.
I lied about finishing my Lit project. I told Chelle and Via that it'd be really long and it is, but I haven't started typing it. I told mom I'm done with it so she won't think that I used my free time staying at Yacal for nothing, even if that's the truth.
I lied to Genay just now, about not being able to get her journal from our professor because I'm in the lib already, even if I was still on my way to the lib and could very well detour by the faculty room and ask. I could've given it to Chelle and she could give it to Gen.

With all these lies its not much of a surprise why I had a really big headache last night. And mom choose last night to rant about my not helping around the house, of all nights, so I'm not in a particular good mood today.

******

RANTING SESSION

I'm not really confrontational, mind you. But if I have a point and I know I'm right, I wouldn't just let you step on me. It's stupid of you, just because your the CLASS PRESIDENT to speak to us "smart people" and make us seem as if being "smart" is a negative thing. We don't control the passive people in the class, the same you can't control us from saying our insights. Leaders should know how to listen, since we've listened to you when you were speaking.

What I hate about it all is that you just had to make a scene! You just had to go to the lowest form of confronting a person: NAGPARINIG KA! It's so elementary!!!

I was actually waiting for you to cry, then I'd be able to prove to you that you're really being immature about things. Then I'd know I won. I had laid my points and if you don't agree, so be it.

It really annoys me that you said sorry and then went out to tell other people about it. It's so fake! What saddens me is that I actually agreed to your point. But because you were feeling inferior of us "smart people", you couldn't face me and tell me the things you wanted to tell, so you made that pathetic scene.

Remember: NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. So I guess I should thank you, you've given me your consent to intimidate you...

******

I promise I'd be a good girl after this.

TeenTalking

2007-03-02T14:41:00.000+08:00

I'm getting hooked on TeenTalking again. I've been a member for more than three years now. I deleted my first UN so I can have "lyrebelle". (It was the time that I didn't like my real name, or age, or self ... you get the point). It's kind of dangerous for me to look forward to Ttalking constantly, since summer's three weeks away (making Finals A.K.A. Hell Week, two weeks away). But I digress. If my other classmates find comfort and happiness (in a college-aged kid's perspective) in computer games, I find mine in forums and of course, blogging.

*****

One of the things I dislike is when people put me in a position wherein my schedule --- my very carefully plan schedule (that utterly reflects my OC-ness) --- gets distrupted. I don't get why people who I see almost everyday can not say what they have to say and give me time to squeeze it in my schedule. I'm trying to be responsible, I really am. And as far as I am concerned, I am doing very well. But when people who are not being responsible (when they should be), my being responsible gets affected.

I tell you. If you can't be responsible for yourself, at least be responsible for others. You should be considerate of others too. I'm not one of your soldiers waiting for your command. I waited. You kept quiet. Now when I'm so busy, you'd start making orders!

Pardon me, pero I'm SO thankful you'd be gone next year. Then, perhaps, order will be restored. Hopefully.

******

Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines... I'm DEAD!!!

*****

ON STRICT BLOG LEAVE FOR A WEEK!!! WAH!!! GOD HELP ME!!!

Wounded Monster

2007-03-01T13:29:00.000+08:00

Am currently in the library again, researching for my Lit Project. Been reading all about Hitler. It's kind of empowering to know that the man who had killed a thousand people was not pure evil but rather, a man who had been wounded --- repetetively --- by the people surrounding him, that it led him to being a monster who needed someone to understand him.

Too bad no one thought of that during those times. Then again, why should they? He was a murderer. Him being a mental patient does not justify his actions, though it gives light, and hope, to me that man is not purely evil. He just becomes so because of the situations he found himself in.

I wonder if, when Hitler died, he realized he had done something so monstrous and asked for mercy? I pray for him. In a way, he was a victim of man's actions as he was the cause of man's sorrows.

*****

I need to do my researches today on the important people mentioned in Danielle Steel's novel "Wanderlust" so that I won't be pressured tomorrow when I start (and hopefully, if all goes well) finish both Javi's and Ken's projects. Would have to that in Yacal which is why I'd be once again spending the weekends with Tita Emma and the others.

******

Today I also have to write three drafts:

draft for the script for the film video for FS3
draft for the workbook for the taped workbook for FS3
draft for the poem for the audio for FS3

Utter punishment. Well, I worked out the last one by searching for a poem about Verbs on the net. I found one that you can sing with to the tune of BINGO. Hehehe. Both the first and second activities are due on the 23rd so my priority would be the taped slide. I'm too tired to get angry at Vindollo for all these projects, so I'll just use my left over energies on fulfilling my requirements.

*****

Two weeks to go for sophomore year. Gosh! Am already a junior!!! c*,)

Getting What You Want

2007-02-27T16:22:00.000+08:00

My planner is sitting right in front of me at this very moment. It is positively tauntaing me, making me remember that I should not be blogging my hours away, but rather be in the third floor and start researching for the Lit project.

Then again I fully deserve this Internet freedom. I had been able to do the speech for Lit book sharing earlier. And it was a very successful event. I also had to wait for Toni to text me regarding the slides I needed for tomorrow's reporting in EdTech. It turned out the slides (which Toni also borrowed from my former classmate Jen Yutan) wasn't returned by her irregular classmate. I was going crazy all afternoon, worrying over the report.

Earlier today, right after ESP with Dayao, Genay, Barbs and I --- the three people who had absent ourselves in Vindollo's FS3 class yesterday --- met with said professor. Long story short, V agreed to let us do the final requirement only now we will be working together. The tasks are mind-boggling, which is why I worked on researching it first before I blogged. I understand V now... but I still don't like her.

Back to the slides, as I've said, I was going crazy. Madami na akong atraso kay Vindollo and I knew she hated hearing sorry, since she'd heard it countless times na. I tried my luck in asking the librarian if there was a possibility that the lib had any slides. She directed me to EdTech, where I knew Ma'am Vizconde works. I asked Ma'am Vizconde's help and she directed me to the man in the Office Management Section of the Center. Sir Ariel made me write a letter addressed to Fr. Cabading so that I can borrow the slides. Voila!

I hurriedly texted my mom: May slides na ako! May slides na ako! May slides na... may slides na.... MAY SLIDES NA AKO!!!

I was so happy. (Obviously). It felt good to get something you worked hard for. c*,)

Well, off to third floor. I'm meeting mom in the LRT later. Hope she'd feed me... am famished!

Wish me luck on my reporting tomorrow! c*,)

Calm before the Storm

2007-02-26T14:16:00.000+08:00

I am actually very calm right now, despite the fact that it is raining on a Monday. I hate it when it rains on a Monday. Makes me feel like the whole week would be this ... dark. My day actually started good, considering that I've bought my 57th issue of WITCH. Have not missed a single issue in what? Four years! (That reminds me. Have to join the contests...)

I decided not to attend the FS3 meeting today. Genay texted me late yesterday about it and I just wasn't in the mood to think about the evil Vindollo. Tita Emma, Tito Dan, Nanay, Agnes, Aaron and I were in Tita Yolly's house yesterday, for Nikki's 1st birthday party and baby Ivan's christening. (Tita Yolly is mom's cousin, making the babies my 2nd cousins). It was fun. Agnes and I had to help Tita Emma manage the hosting, making the games. Today Agnes turns 14. OMG. I was supposed to go get the radio from them today! I totally forgot. Oh well, I've got tomorrow.

Anyhow, back to Vindollo. Since I was absent in the meeting, apparantly she'd be giving me an incomplete grade. She told the class that those who weren't present in the meeting would not be making the final requirement for FS3. How stupid is that?

I plan to report her to our guidance counselor tomorrow. Shortened classes naman e. Accreditation starts tomorrow. I also have to speak infront of my class and 1N1 for the book sharing. God help me!

Presently am working on the Lit proj. Have to do three: one for me, one for Javi and one for Ken. Mine will be about DS "Wanderlust" (my ultimate fave novel); Javi's about Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird" (don't know why I have to say pa what novel, when it's the only one HL did) and Ken's will be about Golding's "Lord of the Flies". I'd be earning cash from those and only have a few weeks to finish them. Would have to give Javi and Ken their project by next week.

Well, it's almost uwian time. Promised mom I'd finished the undies for her. Ciao for now.

Happy Camping

2007-02-21T13:49:00.000+08:00

Too many movies, too many books, too many access to any other of the mention form of media IS bad for one's mental health. Especially if one is such a sucker for profound ideas on not so profound situations, at least to some intellectuals.

I think I've just babbled in my intro, but what I'm trying to say is (yes, there is a point), my life --- everything about me, my thoughts, my opinions, the way I can live life by the day --- is heavily influenced by the books I read and the movies I watch. Much like getting fat is influenced by nonstop eating, I do not stop observing. It's so natural for me to observe as it is for me to breathe in oxygen. (See why I became a high school outcast?)

Been reading the book Rochelle lend me. It's entitled "On the Fringe" and is basically a compilation of short stories on teenage/ high school drama. Only its not about mysteries, or marital woes, or financial troubles I always rant about in this blog o' mine. It's about, BIG SURPRISE, peer pressure and its bearings.

I haven't finished it, but I'm getting really into it, especially since I know how it felt to be invisible, unworthy, unliked, unaccepted, rejected, casted out and overall, hollowed out by the people who, I learned, would eventually become no one to me. If I knew what I know now then, I would do everything differently.

And as if this book haven't made my day, I've caught "Happy Campers" on Star World last night. I missed Gilmore Girls because of it, but what the heck. GG is still on replays anyway. Of course there were a lot of cuts in the flick, but I like it nevertheless. I plan to rent a VCD of it to see it all though.

Here's a quote I got from the film: (courtesy of the every dependable IMDB.com)

Life sucks--in a good way. Falling in love, falling in hate, getting laid, getting hurt--what's one without the other? When it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you're happy. Other times, you smile just because you've survived. But hey, a smile is a smile.

How's that for being profound?!

*****

I think I sprained my left ankle today. We were finishing off the OHP report in EdTech and Ma'am Vindollo got pissed 'cause we didn't have all the materials we needed to show the techniques. Chelle kept mentioning that the reason we didn't have it is because it was expensive. Vindollo also didn't like the way the powerpoint presentation was made --- too much infos were in it and Chelle only had to read it. Chelle, who had sadly lost the elections, took this really bad. I knew Vindollo could sense it so she asked us (the group) to go meet her outside after class.

(Actually I think she truly got mad on the fact that we kept mentioning Sir Espiritu. There's a rumor that she and Sir aren't in good terms because of our class. The project problem. Personally I think she needs major personality adjustments. I think she's focusing all her depression on losing her baby to us. I know it's an evil thought, but I can't help it. I hate her. Now I have to edit, for the umpteenth time, the PPT I made for my report. Argh!!!)

But before we could even go out, I fell from the flatform hence the sprained ankle. I have no idea if I'd be able to dance on Saturday after this. We were supposed to practice today but my speakers won't work. Oh well.

Life.

******

I'd be bombarded with events to attend on Friday. The EJ Seminar from 9 - 12 (from which I am the Head Usherette). The Book Club Week Parade on 10 -11 (from which I shall be wearing a Princess Tiger Lily costume). The Ola Bayle competition (from which I just have to show myself to avoid being absent). And the EJ Grand Homecoming (from which I shall be all glamorous in semi-formal attire... Yehey free food!!!) c*,)

With all of life's troubles, I am still thankful for being alive.

(So I can prove that I can succeed over them! HEH!)

Genius

2007-02-19T14:43:00.000+08:00

"My 5th grade teacher told me, that "Genius is the ability to go from A to D without having to go through B and C." Sebastian can do that, but for me, I gotta have the B and C." - Matt Kensington from the 2000 movie "The Hollow Man"

I've never liked "The Hollow Man". The first time I encountered it, I was feeling hollow myself, a portion of my young life I hope never to remember or feel ever again. The next few times I was given a choice to watch it with either family or friends, I was just not into it. I love Kevin Bacon and all, but for some reason I never truly appreciated the idea of invisibility. I'm not necessarily invisible, yet to most people I'm still Nobody.

Anyhow, that's not why I took that quote off the flick (courtesy of IMDB). I've just got out from the opening of the EJ @ 50 Exhibit. I couldn't help but think... when I entered college all I wanted was to make sure I'd remain in UST. Money's tough, so I applied for the San Lorenzo Scholarship. Sadly, I'm not fated to be a working scholar (another facet of my young and mishap-filled life that I wish not to elaborate at the moment). Thankfully, God is still letting me live my life with all (almost) the things I shall need. When I lost the scholarship that I never really had in the first place, I decided that maybe it is time for me to put all my pent up energies into paper. So I joined the EJ.

I wasn't really sure if I'd get in, but when I learned that I did, I was sure it'll be in the PamLit section. Imagine my surprise when they told me I'd be in the Research Department, one that I didn't even consider. The general exam they make us all take was a bit judgmental --- they based my research capability by my knowledge in writing the correct APA formate in a bibliography. (I obviously know this since we were taking English 101 B then and making our research paper).

It was like a weird, and utterly devastating, rewind of high school, when out of nowhere I was made the News Editor for the Rosarian when all my high school life I've been in the Literary Department. But I digress. Better be part of an organ, that not be part of anything at all. And I decided, maybe they are telling me something about myself that I didn't know.

Maybe I was trying to be a genius, going from A to D without trying the B and C.

I gave all effort to get in the PamLit dept, not caring if I didn't pass the other departments because I was so sure of where I wanted to go. But they decided I'm better off in the RD.

Up until now I still haven't proven them right.

No article of mine reached the EJ, which is bittersweet. Bitter since I have no bragging rights (hah!). Sweet because I'm not so proud of the work I submitted.

Next year, I'd do better. Next year, I'd be more active in EJ. Next year I'd not only prioritize my acads, but also my extras. Next year... oh Lord, please let me stay in UST!

******

Updates:

Papa and Mama's gifts for Boji's graduation from high school arrived yesterday. It consist mostly of expensive men's vanity stuff, huge second-hand shirts (Americans are fat. Even Pinoy- Americans), $150 (the $50 is mine c*,) and letters.

Mama's letter was the kind of letter you'd expect from a grandmother. I plan to reply to her thru email after this entry.

Her husband's letter, however, sounded like a strangers. Then again, mama's letter was addressed to me and Boji; Papa's was to mom's. And Papa likes to feel superior on mommy, which is partly the reason why I don't really like him. Mostly I don't because I personally blame him for dad's sudden death. Him and the others.

It may sound childish but I really hate the idea that they were all there, all together, while my beloved father's health deteriorated and no one even cared. Now, no one can, because he's gone, we're here, the dream of being together never ever coming true, while they live their lives in snow and prosperity. Together. Happy.

Mom and Boj have no idea I feel this towards the people I share a surname with. Being the eldest of all grandchildren sucks.

Being the eldest who remembers her dad's laugh ever so clearly... and knowing that I'd never be able to dance with him... just painful.

Post V-Day

2007-02-15T12:34:00.000+08:00

I had survived and I am so proud of myself.

Yesterday had been one of the hardest days to live through. Of all the eighteen years I've been living, not once had I fully enjoyed the detested day for lovers, since, duh, I've never been a lover... or perhaps I've never been the lovee, if there's such a term. Whatever I am called, I did not, for obvious reasons, looked forward for V-day. I wanted it to come and go, and even liked the fact that it landed on a Wednesday, which is for me the most useless part of the week. It's just there to complete the seven days of the week, unlike Monday which officially kicks off the week or Sunday which officially ends it. (To some people Sunday may be the first day of the week, but I think that depends on how your calendar has been printed).

I am currently in the EJ office. All alone now that EIC Cyrus left. Oh yeah. Now I can do anything I want. I think I'd go and watch You Tube. Leo, a PamLit writer and the cutest guy in our quaint little org, told me the proxy that I can use to see blocked sites such as You Tube and Friendster. Helpful, that Leo.

We were made to attend the 22nd Fr. Antonio Gonzales, OP Memorial Lecture today. It wasn't much of a lost, since the speaker was really good. Dean is also celebrating her birthday today, which paved way for the mass. I wasn't in the mood to go to school today but I knew that I'd regret it if I absent myself. I always do.

So here I am, in my old, oversized uniform. I have to go home right after the EJ meeting so I can finally wash my appropriately fit uniform. Not so sure what's in store tomorrow for the Edukasiyahan. Hmm. The elections started today btw. I can already see Kalyo winning, even if 2EEM won't support Chelle. I told myself (and everyone else) that I'd be basing my vote on the person with the best platform. Since Lakas Tama didn't campaign to our class personally, I have not clear idea of their platform. I also asked for a sign last Tuesday. Ate Camille won that "sign", but I'm still not so sure.

Oh well. Have to do some more worthwhile projects. February = work month. (Maybe next year it could mean love month to me too... HOPEHOPEHOPEHOPE!)

Politics vs. Friendship

2007-02-12T14:07:00.000+08:00

My idol Maya Angelou once said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I've always thought of how smart Maya Angelou is and this quote proved just how much. Typically, it should go as a positive way of reminding people to be careful of what they'd do, but in my current case, its the other way around. And its all connected to Rochelle.

Rochelle had been my friend since first year when we had our PE (women's swimming) together during the first semester. She was part of the other BSE freshman section but we nevertheless became close. When the majors were finally arranged, she became the closest person to me in class. Her running for student council secretary alarmed me in a way, because I knew that things would be a bit difficult for her. I didn't think I would be effected that much.

February had always seemed to be the longest month for me, what with having all its 28 days jam-packed with activities and deadlines. So I was off and running for the Journal last Thursday when I saw Rochelle and her co-party members, Ate Camille (for president) and Ate Julie (for VP) were inside the classroom and were apparently explaining something to the English Majors. I was all "What's going on here?" but since the professor already arrived, I didn't get my answer. Later that afternoon, the Education Debate team, to which I was part of, had a meeting with Sir Bong. Rochelle was also a member. Too preoccuppied with the debate, I forgot to ask Rochelle what was happenning when I entered the classroom. We were all going crazy because the debate was held the next day, and Education week was fast approaching. (It actually started today.)

Anyways, we agreed to meet early Friday morning to prep up for the competition. Rochelle wasn't able to attend, and out of the blue I remembered about the "issue" in the class. Bryan filled me up. Long story short, I learned that Chelle had blindsided us (2E2) about being affiliated to their party (KALYO) by taking our registration forms and IDs in support of her party. What pissed me off were actually three things:

That Chelle lied to me.
That she lied to everyone else.
That I was too ignorant to know what was already unfolding in front of me.

I knew there were something fishy when Chelle asked for the forms. I knew I should've asked her in detail. But because of too many things in mind (EJ, requirements, assignments, projects, deadlines...), I forgot. And now I feel torn: should I defend Rochelle, she being my friend and closest confidante or confront her and decide the fate of our friendship?

I needed to think. I needed to get past the hurt and disappointment. I needed to talk to Chelle first, but for some reason I couldn't face her just as suddenly. Probably because I was still hurt and disappointed. So I decided to let it go for a while. We went through the debate competition, fought well and hard, lost but had gained a lot of things from the experience. *That reminds me, I should ask Chelle to request a certificate of participation from the TomCat. It would really look good in my resume. Hehehe* Afterwards, we got to interview the four oh-so lovable boys of Lakas Coalition. Kuya Ney (for CSC pres), Jonet (for Treasurer), papa Cachi (for Auditor) and Jules (for P.R.O.) answered all our questions in that whole hour we've interviewed them. We even got pics and autographs! Ha! (I plan to watch the Miting de Abanse on Wednesday since I've got no other plans for V-Day anyway).

Anyhow, Rochelle and I finally had the Talk on the LRT, with our guidance counselor Ma'am Carol and Javi as witnesses. I told Chelle what happened to me and how I felt. I told her that she's still my friend, and I'm still hers, but there is still a looming doubt on my part. I still feel really pissed off to the fact that she lied.

The problem now lies at the fact that my beloved co-English Majors are sooooo dramatic. And plastic. They are this close in becoming utterly judgmental, which I hate. I told Jenny, a friend and one of the people who still dislikes Rochelle for what she did, that if there will be a time that I'd have to choose whose side I'd be in, I'd remain neutral. Why?

Because either way I'd lose. If I choose Chelle, her being my friend for the longest time, it'll be like I'm being punished also, when in the first place, I'm also a victim of her lying. If I choose Jenny and the others, I'll be turning my back from Chelle, which I do not want to do. As much as I hate what she did, she's my friend and I love her. A friend loves at all times.

So where does that leave me? Where do I truly belong?

There are actually two good things that I earned from this experience:

I learned how ignorant I can be and promise not to be like that anymore.
I learned that I can forgive easily, but I won't be able to forget in a snap.

As for Chelle, well am still unsure if I'd still vote her. I know for a fact that the other English Majors won't. The miting de abanse held earlier was great. I got a lot from the candidates. But I still have to think it through...

Sigh. I got too excited in writing this, I haven't even done the researches I was supposed to do and now I got to go home. Would be riding the jeep today. Austerity measures. Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

Ranting Session: Don't try to Define me

2007-02-01T13:35:00.000+08:00

Don't try to define me. I am not definable by certain terms, for I am complex. I am this, but I can also be that. I am not limited to a particular mold of bread. I am everchanging. I won't be feeling this way tomorrow, but I could still feel it again. I maybe complicated for your taste, but this is me. This is who I am. Don't try to figure me out by just hanging around for a couple of days. Don't try to pinpoint my moods, or judge my actions. Don't even think that you know me enough to tell others when I am feeling something or not. You don't know me. I am still trying to figure things out on my own, how a person as clueless as you can figure them out for me? How can you even think that by being a supposed friend, you can be patrionizing and hypocritical?You ought to listen. Learn to listen. Because if you don't know how to listen, people would never learn how to listen to you. And because if you don't listen, you'll end up saying trash, much like what you are doing now.

I hope you'd know by now not to generalize people. We aren't like the points or standards you get to formulate in that thick skull of yours! We are humans, we change, we grow, we get so complicated, it's even annoying for us! But that's who we are. If your not like that then so be it. I am not asking you to be like that. I am merely asking you to respect who a person is, and don't even think you can change him. Even if you can, YOU HAVE GOT NO RIGHT! A person is to his own, as you are to yourself. You change yourself, because in my opinion, there are A LOT of things about you that needs adjustment. Major adjustments!

Learn to listen, and keep your mouth shut. Learn to be polite, although I personally believe that should be innate. Politeness that is insincere is merely rudeness in a completely rude form. Learn to hear other people, learn to shut up. Learn to be a man. Be a man! If that's what you really are!

I am through trying to be your friend. I am finished. I don't care anymore. After this is all over, I am backing off. I don't need someone who boxes me in an idea he has created of who I am. I don't want to call a friend who considers me a mere manequin who has tempers and tantrums, and that's all that is to her. I am not like that. You are not a true friend if you think that. Obviously, you're not. Your are a plastic friend, a person who judges others. Too bad for you. Life is hard for those who sees others' flaws, while they themselves are filled with puke, and don't even realize it. They ARE the puke of society.

And a big bad "BLECH!" to the hell of them.

\\ i M b a L a n C e //

2007-01-24T14:47:00.000+08:00

I am currently in the state of imbalance, feeling like doing something else yet doing something else that I have to do. Its not supposed to be like this. I'm SUPPOSED TO BE enjoying everyday of my life as if it is my last. That has been my mantra, my motto, my ultimate tool for finding contentment and utter happiness.

I am so excited for summer vacation. Then, I wouldn't have to worry for unpaid fees, projects with deadlines, how I look to other people, what to eat at school, if I still have enough to be able to pay the fare home, or can I sleep in or not.

But for now I have all of that and the list of to-dos are growing by the minute. The four things I had listed previously are still in the list of to-dos and additional assignments had bombarded me today:

EJ @ 50 celebration. Have to research about the events of the 1970s and how EJ had lived through it. Done with 1970-71. Tasked freshman Eeno with 1972-73 and 77-79. Punishment for being late. Ate Apple will have to do 1974-76. That is if I locate her on time. Due Monday.
Pass article (2) by Friday to RD. I don't want to pass anything since I don't want to have anything I wrote in that department. I want to be moved to Pam/Lit, just biding my time before I approach Sir Daks. Sorry Ate Lala.
Tree diagramming due tomorrow. Have to research stuff about that pa pala.
Search for other schools for my FS4. Denied pointblank from Dominican School, not so sure with ESPS. Will see tomorrow before I go to Yacal to type ESP Prelims. Almost done with it. Will have money by Friday, hopefully.
Yellow Day on Friday. Mom bought me lotsa yellow tops, thank God
Research instructional materials for edtech proj
Lit project. Easiest. Analyze Celia Ahern's "Rosie Dunne" using the Feminist Approach. Due March 16, but will do and finish it tomorrow at Tita Emma's house. Three birds at one stone. Hehehe

I don't know why the webside of Dept. of Education won't open! I can't get new schools if this freaking site won't cooperate! Argh!

March 21 starts off finals. Hopefully may pangbayad na kami then. Hay.

Grade Conscious +,+

2007-01-22T16:27:00.000+08:00

How had I let this happen to me? How had I become so conscious of what people tell about me? Had my desire for acceptance finally ruined (again) my ability to prove to MYSELF that I am fine as I am and no one needs to redesign me, not even me?

Am not making sense am I?

BACK UP: Today is THE Monday after the Prelims Week AKA Hell Week and the class finally got our test results in three of our five courses. We have two professional education courses: Educational Technology and Principles of Teaching 2. The only academic course I have now this semester is Literature 101. The latter had made my lame test results in the previous ones a tad bit more bearable, Thank God! I guess I should say that my scores aren't really that low, only low in my perspective since I had been expecting much much more from myself. I really wanted to get all 1s this sem, but am not sure anymore.

What sucks is that I've been feeling utterly pressured and bombarded with these and those expectations --- from other people and worst, from myself (so as to prove that their expectations of me are justified and I deserve it all).

How had I let myself be so wrapped up in these extrinsic and undeniably lame motivators? Why hadn't I studied for the sake of learning? WHY!!!

What do I do now huh? Do I cry and hate myself for turning into the person I detested for so long? Or do I just plunge myself into working better?

DUH.

Of course I'd hate myself first, then do the work I need to do. It can't go any other way since I'll be hating myself while I am already doing the work, so might as well get the hate part over with. Am not going to cut myself or anything. No, am just going to work harder. That's punishment enough I believe.

This is why I am still in the library at 4:36 PM. Am really going to suffer heavy traffic if I don't get my butt off this PC, but what the heck. It's free. I can do my other tasks tomorrow and on Wednesday. See them below:

DO THE ESP TAKE HOME PRELIMS. Analyze three texts. Evaluate them using the following criteria (14 in all). Compare and contrast them. Submission extended January 30. Do 2. Ken's 250 worth prelims. +,+
DELIVER FS4 LETTERS to HSC, ESPS and DC. Pray they approve.
MATTER LOAD FOR DEBATE. Afghan Drug Trade 35% done. Three more HWs to research. Bad timing. Mom's PC at ofc not usable w/o permission. Blech!!
DO EDTECH PROJ WITH GENAY. ABCs for a Beginning Teacher and Instructional Materials. Handy-dandy dictionary. Due Feb 5.

I guess with all these work I wouldn't have to remind myself that I am once again loveless on Valentines. The silver lining to my big, fluffy dark cloud...

PS. I asked my Aunt if I go use their PC tom to type the ESP prelims. 4got its my cuz bday tom. TOINKZ!

Hell (of a) Week

2007-01-18T09:18:00.000+08:00

*UPDATES:

Still unable to pay for my Prelims fees, but have been allowed to take the tests provided I see the prof once I get my permit. Mom says I might be able to pay by next week, might being the operative word of words. Story of my life. (And everyone else's for that matter... Money is really not something everyone has right now, and I'm just thankful am still in UST).
Papa texted mom last Tuesday, aggravated because we couldn't pay the land tax this month. Mom needs a huge sum of cash to do so, even with the so-called senior citizen discount. Part of the money for the said tax had been left to our neighbor who had let mom get it because we've been really in need. I actually don't remember when, but then again we've always been in need. Oh well, its not like I can do anything about it. I still can't understand Papa. He's already retired, a US citizen, a man with money and obviously, he's not going to live for too long, so why not use it, right? Now I know I sound really brutal, but forgive me. I resent my grandfather for being so damn selfish. And because, deep inside, I blame him for my dad's sudden departure... but that's for a different ranting session. Let's schedule it once of these days okey?
But back to Papa and Mama. Am not sure when but there's been news that their coming home for Boji's graduation (if they (OLOPSC) let him graduate... Boji has yet to pay his tuition fee and am not sure what kind of magic will mom pull of to do so...) I wish they won't cause it will make my (our) home life hell. I won't be able to go as I please. It wouldn't be OUR home when they're there since, duh, it is theirs.
Because of all these problems I've decided to focus my attention to other things, like school and books. Books are by far the best remedies if you want to escape your reality. I've finished reading Kathy Love's "Wanting Something More". So cool. Its supposed to be for seven days but I couldn't get my hands off it so I finished it in one sitting. Chelle wants to read it too, but she can't borrow books since she still has unpaid overdues here in the lib. Too bad, wala nang ibang Kathy Love books in the library. I chance upon it by the new books section sa Humanities. Oh well.
Speaking of Chell, we've been hanging out a lot these past four days, being in the Education Debate Team. Bry, Reevan, Chell and I will be competing against Engineering on February 16, and I'm really anxious to get it over with. Kakakaba!

Well, today's my last prelim. Tomorrow Gef wants to celebrate her 18th birthday and the last day of exams, but am not so sure if I 'll be able to go... see reasons above.

Hopefully one day I won't be writing about being poor anymore...

Limits in Friendship: Is there such a thing?

2007-01-15T14:01:00.000+08:00

My friend Rochelle is planning to run as the Student Council Secretary next year. I'm biased of course, but it'll still depend on how they (the candidates) deliver their platforms and campaign for votes. As for now I'm keeping in mind the positive traits in Rochelle that I've learned to love.

She's very firm when it comes to what she believes in, to the point that you'd (if you're as nonconfrontational as I am) feel you've lost all together.
She's far from being shy on telling how she feels. (This may lead her to being overly frank, but that's just how she is. I'd rather have her that backstabbers any day.)
She may be small for her age (19), but she lives big.
She's honest, brutally at times.
She knows when to be a friend, when to console and when to say sorry. I know this for a fact.

Many people wouldn't like her, but many would respect her too. Now I see Rochelle as a person that I can never be like. For one, even if I'm trying (and so far had been successful) in forgetting what other people may be thinking of me, it still hurts to know that I have only a few friends who'd truly miss me if I die today. (God forbid! I still have four more prelims to take... and I've yet to pay my prelim fees. Yikes!)

Rochelle is also an epitomy of the person I wish I had been way before. Someone who knows herself enough not to mind how society, or a class filled with backstabbers and plastics, want her to be.

But all these traits that make Chelle unique and lovable are being undermined by her desire to have power in the student body. Reevan talked to her after our debate training (while Bry and I are at the xerox counter) about her unconscious manner of forcing her insights on the topic regarding our Lit101 class. I was the one who first started this issue. It's basically a question of competency and value of education here in UST, in connection to their refernce materials for the offered course of World Literature. (I'm not sure what it is for, since all courses in UST are prerequisites to other courses. But I digress. I love lit. Too bad it's so undervalued here. First time I regret being a Thomasian.)

Basically, our instructor told us that the reference materials used in our class was actually a compilation made my Engineering students as a project.

TALK ABOUT UNDERVALUE!

Chelle being frank and all, got all hyped up in ranting on this insulting behavior. I myself told my prof that its not only an insult to us, but to her as an instructor (and not a very good one at that, sorry). How can she, as an educator, manage to use a non-academic text as an academic text and rely on it from the start to end of the semester, without feeling subjugated? If she had any professional self- respect, she would not tolerate such a thing?

Chelle had other points however, and because it was already the end of the period, almost, I wasn't fully listening. It wasn't all new to me to hear her get carried away. I know her to be very vocal, which makes us good friends because I tend to keep my mouth shut on certain topics. (Except if I'm speaking to Mimi or Ai, two people I know I can trust with anything).

Reevan told Rochelle to be careful in her manner of presenting her points, given her desire to run. I think Reevan was just trying to help, but in the process, he had put Chelle in the ugly position of questioning herself, her every move.

I sure know how that feels.

Warp back to high school: Angeli and I were on our way out of UST. I walked her home so I wouldn't be bored, and so she wouldn't be harrassed by the passing tambays of Espana. Anyhow, Angeli told me pointblank, what Kathleen (his girlfriend at that time) told her: that she (Kath) hated my existence.

Imagine my shock when I heard that, when all along I had been walking hollow and soulless in the dark walls of EHS, hurt and alone. It was like a huge sword has been stuck into my heart, ending my battle for high school acceptance.

Up to now am not sure why Angeli told me what she told me. I can't clearly remember. When bad memories like high school and losing a dad haunt your everyday existence, you just can't help but obliterate them completely from your long term memory.

Now, I am asking: Is there such a limit in friendship? Was Reevan right in his manner of telling Chelle on being more diplomatic while not diminishing her identity? Is it even possible to be anything than who you are and still be happy?

The last question I can answer: NO. Because even if you create thousands of masks, your real face will still be tear-streaked and crumpled underneath, and as one by one the masks fall off, your true face will be revealed.

And then you just might be able to smile. (Because there'll be no more rubberbands pulling on your ears...)

Aloha: Hello and Good bye

2007-01-11T13:48:00.000+08:00

Hello to: new template
Good bye to: old template

Hello to: prelims
(Almost) good bye to: 2nd year in college

Hello to: more hours of sleep and leisure
Good bye to: work

FOR SOME REASON EVERYTHING HAD CHANGED SINCE I LAST WROTE IN THIS BLOG O' MINE!

And I have the faintest idea why... Yesterday we had our successful reporting for Ed Tech, despite Tin's stressing urges of working on it. Ma'am Vindollo made her comments and suggestions, and will tell us our grade tomorrow. Since Ma'am Jimenez and Sir Daks were on a seminar, we were free. I had to dash home to be able to change clothes and rest (got to watch 8 Mile, Eminem was actually good.. hee) so I can make it to my job at Banawe before 5. I did, and Jaime was actually cooperating. I was having fun teaching her, learning from her. I hoped she learned from me as well, because her grandma was really worried she would have to repeat first grade due to her low grades.

Then disaster struck in the form of 800 pesos.

Now I know why one shouldn't count the chickens before the eggs hatch. I was so stressed with the fact that I haven't paid for my prelims which starts Monday that I started imagining where will I used the money I'd earn from tutoring Jaime, a thing I had tried to stopped myself from doing because I knew its a jinx.

So when grandma Sally asked me for a talk, I knew it wasn't anything good. For me anyway. Apparently, Jaime's teacher who was also concerned with her academic status, offered to tutor Jaime herself. I was despensable, so off I went. Grandma Sally did pay me Php 800, doubling the supposedly 400 I had earned with the four sessions we had. I still don't know if I'm sad or not. For one thing, it was only 100 for a session, one that I had to work hard for, wait for, and lose sleep from. For another, it was an experience, a way to know if teaching truly is my calling (and it is!), and besides, I'll miss Jaime. She was my first ever student. Well, aside from Alyssa and Medrick.

Oh well.

Without the tutoring, I now have NO OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME, NO OTHER SOURCE OF PROBLEMS making me remember that I am a pathetic, boyfriendless eighteen year old, trying to trick people into thinking that I am awesome.

What a life.

Loveless and Lonely

2007-01-05T13:48:00.000+08:00

I promised myself not to let the fact that I am 18 and still a relative virgin to the fact that I have not, in any part of my life, participated in a serious, committed relationship with the opposite sex, get in the way of my making 2007 my year.

Sadly, I am unable to fulfill this promise.

Yesterday I was with my classmates at the mall, ready to watch Juda Anne Santos' MMFFP film "Kasal, Kasalo, Kasali" from which she won Best Actress, and I couldn't stop but watch my friend Lianne and her long-term bf Jay be all sweet to each other. I'm not jealous because I like Jay or anything -- I hardly know the guy -- its just that I feel inferior, knowing that I am as clueless in the rules of dating as a Martian would be if he's thrown on planet Venus.

And that sucks.

It not only makes me feel all alone and lonely, it also makes me really feel ugly, unlovable and unworthy. It's getting really harder to cheer myself up, to believe that somewhere out there HE is there waiting for me as I am waiting for him.

I'm now taking a test at Tickle.com, "Why are you still single?". Let's see what it could tell me, and maybe, just maybe, it could help me get a new perspective. I still have two hours to waste, since I have to go to Banawe for the my first tutorial session before 5 PM.

You're single because you don't want to commit

Why Are You Still Single?
Brought to you by Tickle

Once the blush of first love wears off with your partners, do you get a little
antsy? You probably crave excitement in all realms of your life, and you need a
relationship to keep you filled with possibilities. Let us guess: Someone has
probably told you that you haven't quite grown up yet, that you're still holding
out for the perfect "whatevers" (job, car, home, date) in your life to come a
knockin'. Or perhaps you're just having a difficult time accepting that your
comfortable little place in this world is always growing, always evolving — and
that means you have to be willing to accept big life changes, too. Not that
there's anything wrong with that. After all, you're probably a lot of fun to be
around and may be the life of the party.But when it comes to settling down, you
leave without looking back twice. Now's the time to ask yourself: Why? What's
holding you back? Maybe you don't want someone to get to know you fully? Perhaps
by saying "yes" to someone, you're afraid you'll lose yourself, or the
possibility of something better coming along. Just remember that the best
relationships are those that never stop growing. That's something you can
identify with, right? So keep that in mind next time you find someone you're
really comfortable with. You never know, it may prove even more exciting once
you really get to know each other, teensy flaws and all.

I'm not so sure if I fully agree with this result. I mean, for one thing, I considered my unrequited concern for he who shall not be named in this blog as my ex, even if, obviously, we weren't a couple. I couldn't think of anyone else to consider my ex, since, duh, I never had a bf, much less a nonbf.

I'm babbling. This is sooooo lame. I'm hating myself for doing this, but I'm in such a desperate position. I'm frequently asking myself if perhaps, it might be better if I just forget about the idea of a one true love waiting for me, and go on believing that the sad truth is, I'll grow, live and die on my own.

I think its because I have intimacy problems, even with guy friends. I mean, Oliver and Lloyd are the only guy friends I have. I had a crush on both of them, only Lloyd doesn't know that (and I rather die than admit it). I talk to them occassionally, when I bump into them with Mimi and Aileen. Our scheds are pretty tight so we don't always see each other, but we text. I was really annoyed at Lloyd when he opted to hang out with that random girl during the Paskuhan, but I tried not to let it be so obvious. It's not like I was hurt or anything. The only guy who had truly hurt me, was him. And up to now, I'm still hurting because, sad to admit, I still love him.

Which is why I am so angry at myself.

It feels as if I still love him because if I don't, I feel all empty and alone. So in a way, I'm just using him as a stopgap, an escape route from the sad reality that I am alone. I don't want to love him anymore. The more I do, the more I prevent myself from growing past him, past high school, past the sad, ugly poems inspired by a fourteen year old's infatuation.

But its not so easy as it is said.

He has a girlfriend, one that I despise even if I hardly know her. She's older, also an English major like me. They often hang around the lobby. I haven't seen them this year yet... maybe they broke up.

I saw him today. Our eyes caught and his looked as it had all those years ago -- deep, secretive, like he wanted to say something but couldn't/ wouldn't-- and I could breathe for five seconds. Then Via was teasing me so I snapped out of it and Chelle pulled him away to ask him something.

It hurts that after all these years I still care for him. It's insulting and aggravating, and downright embarassing to admit, even to myself, that I am loving a guy who I don't know well enough, and I had been for more than four years.

Maybe I am afraid. Maybe the experience I had with him had made me overprotective of my own heart. Via was teasing me to Reevan today, and I had to accompany him to buy us some snacks. I couldn't think of a thing to say to him and he seemed really awkward about it. I feel insecure. It doesn't show because I had always been such a good pretender. I can't stop myself, its like second nature to pretend. Other people are too blind to realize it. My introverted nature and individualistic ideas had blocked me from many people, but thankfully I still have some who I can truly count on. Even if I can count them using only my fingers, on one hand, they are still wonderful gifts of God.

Shucks, I'm being overdramatic again.

On another topic, I've been reading Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones". Its really good. I wanted to borrow Mitch Albom's "The Five People You'll Meet in Heaven" but I couldn't find it so I took this one instead. It was fated, I guess, because the more I read it, the less I remember my other problems and get to focus on Susie's.

I'm also hooked with Princess Hours. Its the first time that I'm dying to see how it'll all end. Too bad UST EdTech blocked YouTube.com and I couldn't watch it here... Oh well. I really want to see it so I won't have to sleep late and wait for the next episode. I'd just rent PC for it, once Tita Loi pays me for the tutorial sessions I gave her 11- year old son Medrick and his friend Alyssa. (I'd also be paying Boji, for the money I borrowed to watch KKK yesterday. It's a good thing my brother had money and that he was in his good mood.)

Well that's about it. I've overstayed again. Oh well. Off to read Chesca's blog. I love reading her life -- it makes me thankful that I have mine as mine. If you get that...

A Good Way of Starting the New Year

2007-01-02T12:44:00.000+08:00

I shouldn't be here blogging, but forgive me, I'm tired. Just finished checking off the two important tasks I had planned on finishing today --- the day before regular classes returns, THE last day of Christmas vacation --- because I was too psyched with the upcoming celebrations that I had, stupidly, let my other responsibilities be forgotten for the moment.
Now it's 2007 and I had done the LTS requirements, emailing the Adobe file that I have to write on before I pass it tomorrow. I also have to tutor Medrick (and Alyssa, if she'd come) in Science later, for their MASAT Entrance test this Saturday. Today is day 3, the last day of our sessions, and I'd soon be jumping for joy with the money I had EARNED! Have I really written that? I had EARNED MONEY! It's not much, but hey, it is still money that I HAD EARNED thru MY ha
Anyways, 11 minutes more and I'm off. Better make the most out of it.
The other task I had successfully completed today is the ESP HW. Hopefully Prof. Dayao would like it...
Classes returns tomorrow. I'm really worried with my FS 4. Am still unsure if Kotska would allow my requests, so I made a new letter for Infant, just in case. I have to give more effort in the other subjects, in case Sir Daks wouldn't consider my being a model student and make true the 3 being enough for me comment. Yikes! I could handle a 2 but not a 3. It already sucks that I have to work with a 2 hovering on me, when I wanted to avoid a 2 this semester. Oh well. Sana lang I would still be in the DL, even with the ugly 2.
Well, am off for now.
******
Got to watch Disney's "High School Musical" last night. Finally. I'm so late with the gossips that it seemed like a gift from heaven. Zac Efron is really good looking, I realized. Hahaha...

The Optimist Creed

2006-12-21T15:11:00.000+08:00

Promise Yourself

Also known as The Optimist's Creed

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them. ~ To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only of the best, and expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

~ C.D. Larson

******

2006 have come and gone by me and my family. Lots of things happened to us, as a family and as individuals, some good, some bad and some indifferent events that led us --- me--- to where I am now.

Isn't it amazing how time moves so fast as we grow into the man and woman we are destined to be? That no matter what we do, what we choose, we'd still be bound to get to our final destination because it has been decided on by some higher being?

To some people that idea creeps them out, like they were being cheated of free will. But to me, the idea is refreshing. It drives me to enjoy every moment of my life, good or bad or in between, because destinies can be altered. It can be reconstructed, reshaped and thru the process (which is the most important part), we learn. I should know, my life has been full of ugly stops and shocking turns, and yet, here I am. Still determined to grow forward, to be a better me.

2007. I don't really have much expectations for this new year. So long as my family and friends are safe and happy, I'd be fine.

Bring it on!