I've Never Been

In the past nineteen years of my existence in this world, I've been a lot of things --- some permanently, some artificially and some I wish would either be permanently or just for the moment.

For example, I'm going to be the eldest sister, the eldest cousin, the eldest grandchild on both sides, and yes there were times that I daydreamed of having an older sister or brother, but generally, I like being the leader, by birth right.

I was also Paula Obmerga's best friend way back in second grade. Together with Aliza Reyes, Kamille Lecio, and Kirsty Garcia, we completed the dangerous group of nine-year olds called "PBA Double K" (Actually, we never really called ourselves that. My mom created it for fun...) who would kick the bags of the boys in our class as a form of revenge. We'd usually do this during recess and lunch time, so no one would know and we'd kick the hell out of those poor bags, while cursing our heads off. It was a liberating experience, although I must admit that there was a time that I thought my being a "bad girl" had caused my dad's death. Stupid, I know. Anyway, Paula and I 'broke off' our friendship when she chose Sherry and Mary Joyce over me. The rest of the group just didn't stick, probably because after that summer, nothing was the same for me... The Summer of 1998. It's a completely different story.

Moving on, there are somethings that I am right now, that I wish would change. The one thing I can think off now is the fact that I'd be an orphan for the rest of my life, with my dad gone. I can't change that, much as I want to. In this case, something I want turns to be not necessarily something I need, or so fate or God or whatever Higher Being there is watching over me, thinks so.

Speaking of faith, I am currently 'unsure' of mine. I believe in God; I know He exists. I just don't feel like I completely trust in Him. Too many questions, too many heartaches, I guess. Hopefully, I can get back on track, although I doubt it'll be happenning soon enough.

All these, and many more, define me and my being, either for forever or just for the meantime. But one big thing, at least from where I see it, that I've never been, is to be someone's girlfriend, in the true sense of the word.

Heck I don't even know what it truly means, or entails. The duties of a good girlfriend and all that. I don't know the feeling, although I've been hurt, before.

I like to think that Ranel Keyser wasn't a mistake, although I did think of him that way, because of the hurt. I was like a walking rock, feeling hollow and empty and in daze. I wasn't enjoying the moment, and that was just not me. My dad's sudden death had taught me never to take the moment for granted, ever. But because of the embarrasment, the disappointment, of not being cared for in return was too much for my young heart, I was just... nothing. Sometimes I wonder how I got through it. I really don't remember. Nevertheless, I thank God I'm through with that.

There's no real reason why I'm still single. I just don't see the point on crying over something I really do not want, not just for the sake of having it, so I can say that I had. I didn't wait this long to just get a fling, or a meaningless relationship. I deserve better.

I want to think that all these time, all these waiting had been for my own good and for that person who'd be my first love. I'd like to believe that relationships, the serious kind, is not a matter of completing someone, rather complementing that person's, er, shortcomings. Or maybe the words should be 'missing features', things that he might not be so good in, and vice versa. It's important for me to remember that I have been a complete person before I met him, so if I do lose him, I wouldn't be losing myself as well. I know, it's idealistic of me, Miss No BF since Birth, but then again, at least I know what I want, right? And think it means a lot of sense.

I've been waiting my whole life for him, and I surely can and would wait to get the quality guy that I know is waiting for me as I am for him. It really isn't about the quantity, but the effort that you give into the relationship that you have. Like for instance, I have a number of friends that I completely trust with my life. They may be few, but at least I know what I have with them is long lasting. At least I hope so.

Yes, I've never been someone's girlfriend. But that doesn't mean I will never be.

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Welcome to the Christian World Carlito Flores, my first ever inaanak!

Make your Ninang proud!

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I saw him today. He looked good. Diane and Mae, my new, ahem, kumares, were all for his older cousin, so I had him for myself. Wonder if he's single? I wonder if he remembers our childish games in the canteen during lunch. I wonder if I was that obvious that I had crush on him, and what that knowledge made him feel... Too many questions, so little time...

To my former service mate, my street mate, my kinakapatid (I think)...

To WP, my lifelong crush.

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"One More Chance" starring Bea Alonzo and John Lloyd Cruz, NOW SHOWING!
Para sa mga in love, na in- love at gusto ma in love... RATE: 3 laughs, 4 hearts = 5 stars

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!!

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DISCLAIMER: The names mentioned in this article are of real people in my life. Their existence had made me who I am today, so if there were some negativity in my choice of words, I apologize. I mean no negativity on their being and I am actually thankful for them.